#cause it certainly ain't your jobs i know that

[101maverick]

Hi! Saw your newest post, so thought I might as well try to help with your writers block :)

How about headcanons of the bat boys dating a broke reader? Alternatively, batboys x bimbo!reader?

Hope this helps you get out of your slump, enjoy the rest of your day and take your time if you ain't up for it :]

A/n: Tysm for the request! Hope you enjoy :)

Dick Grayson

Being resident in Bludhaven, he's financially independent and certainly not rich. He refuses to depend on Bruce.

This means he hasn't got any trust fund money to give you, but he'd definitely help you out any way he can

He'd buy you practical gifts as well as normal ones whenever he's got the chance, and if you're living together the way you divide the living costs would definitely be proportional to your spending power

Dick isn't rich but he's not broke either: the average annual salary for cops in the us is roughly $66.000, but he owns the two-bedroom apartment you live in so the only thing you guys need to pay is taxes and bills, no rent to worry about. You're also not at home for most of the day, seeing as he works as a cop and you have your own job that takes up a good chunk of your day, so the electricity bill isn't very high.

I personally think Reader would not enjoy not having to pay for anything seeing as the money comes out of Dick's own pocket, so she'd at the very least insist on paying for groceries and helping out more in the house with laundry, dishes, cleaning et cetera, to even out the responsibilities as much as possible

He'd support you as much as possible if you're getting a degree, he'd be like your own personal cheerleader, and after you get it he'd organise this huge surprise graduation party for you and then help you get a job in the field of your degree

like if you became a lawyer he'd hook you up with some judges/attorneys he knows aren't corrupt and get you a job in their law firm (paid intern of course, after having worked so hard you want to make it yourself in the world)

I think you two would have tons of fun at the thrift! You wouldn't feel bad about him insisting to spend his money, and you would have the best time just perusing the racks and laughing at all the insane stuff you find plus trying on some genuinely nice clothes

One thing he splurges on though is making sure you have a state-of-the-art home gym, in fact that is why he buys your building's basement and equips it with every work-out machine under the sun plus a trapeze and equipment to practice a ton of other dynamic sports of the sort

————————————

Jason Todd

He's a crime lord so it's safe to say this dude is filthy rich

He obviously doesn't show it though and apart from having a lot of it as an emergency fund for when he needs to defend himself in gang wars I believe he anonymously donates the rest to charities

I go with the canon of Jason being catholic so I believe he gives to the Church, but it could obviously be something else like one of the many Wayne foundations (cause as much as he holds a grudge against his father he knows he's obviously not corrupt and actually helps people)

apart from this he definitely still has a lot of money

He'd refuse to see you struggle financially

He's been through that, he knows how awful it is and does not hear no for an answer when he goes to hand you insane amounts of cash

If you live together then he makes sure to get a nice apartment in the respectable parts of town, blending in with the rest of the neighbourhood to make sure the location is safe and as untraceable as possible

He handles everything and refuses to even let you pay for groceries, insisting that you concentrate on your studies and not worry about having to sustain yourself

To him you guys being a team means that you hold each other up any way you can, and you already support him immensely just by being by his side and loving him, so to him this is just doing his part and supporting you (on top of loving you like crazy of course)

One thing he'd do is make sure your house has enough space to host an insane amount of books though

On this topic I think he'd absolutely spoil you with book hauls, just taking you to every book store you can find and buying piles and piles of books

I'm talking those beautiful gold-leaf covered editions of centuries-old classics, and it doesn't matter if you already have the stories per-se in your library cause it's the edition that matters in this case, ya know?

Like sometimes you want to feel regal and distinguished reading the gold-lined hardcover Commedia, sometimes you want to feel quirky with your penguin edition Jane Eyre, other times you just want to embrace your inner sewer rat and read Macbeth from the shitty mass-produced paperbacks and Jason acknowledges and embraces it

————————————

Tim Drake

Tim, like Jason, is also filthy rich, in virtue of being the owner of Drake Industries and the representative C.E.O. for Bruce at Wayne Enterprises

You'd both live in his Nest, and given the horrendous amount of electricity it consumes it's all already paid for by his company so no need to worry about that

He would only accept "payment" for everything he does for you in the form of you making sure he goes to sleep at decent amounts of time when he's elbow-deep in a case (and tons of love, obviously)

Like Jason, he'd just hands you wads of cash

EXCEPT! He does it for the most mundane stuff. Timothy Jackson Drake is a nepo baby, no way around that. Sure, while he spent his time stalking Batman and Robin through the rougher parts of Gotham he learnt street-safety 101, but he always carried anything he needed for those nightly strolls in his backpack, and he never really learned the real value of money. "$2.70 for a small bottle of water? Sounds reasonable!" is his thought process to this day.

You two would often have these moments of 'culture shock', with Tim slowly discovering how much things should cost every time you two go out to run errands together and you discovering about the insane things the rich buy and do just because Tim decided to recount some childhood stories/told you about some stuff socialites did ad a gala

Since I think Tim's love language is quality time I think he'd take you on these absurd trips whenever possible, that to you are to absurd places but to him it's a very normal trip because "my parents always went there twice a year? It's an extremely normal vacation spot?" Meanwhile it's the Maldives or a private island in Greece or something

This being Tim you also HAVE to have a state-of-the-art phone, with tons of features you will never need to use since you're a civilian but it makes him more at ease, knowing that if the need arises you have the ability to disarm a bomb with the click of a button on your display

————————————

Damian Wayne-Al Ghul

Oh he'd absolutely refuse to have you living anywhere but a castle

It'd take convincing for him to have you living in anything less than a penthouse in the diamond district

He's not against the idea of you working, but he doesn't think that it's necessary for you to slave away at a minimum-wage job while you could be spending all your time in luxury while studying for your degree

After you get your degree he'd help you find a job at one of the most important places for your specialisation, pulling the needed strings just to make sure your resume isn't overlooked (nothing more, he's of the idea that his partner should be strong, plus he believes you to be extremely capable and so thinks that pulling strings to get you the job would be a disservice and an offence to you)

Absolutely spoils you with gifts, and by that I mean: clothes, jewellery, if you like cars he'll buy you a carpark, anything you look at for more than two seconds he'll buy

Damian's way of showing love is through gestures, so you rejecting his gifts would hurt him and he'd take it to mean that you are rejecting him/are unsatisfied with him

Like with Tim, you both would have "Culture shocks" over stuff like the worth of money, lifestyle and stuff like that

Because Damian is basically a royal (or at the very least was raised like one, I don't know what's happened to the LoA in current canon) I think he'd lowkey try to get you an armed guard for when you need to go out as a sign of love lol

"Damian I've been feeling watched while going out as of late" "Don't worry Beloved, that's just the armed guard" "Oh ok-I'm sorry what?!"

Things like anniversaries, birthdays and big events are celebrated in the most lavish settings but in a private way still, like he'll absolutely spoil you and take you to visit this super famous castle for your birthday, matter of fact he'll rent it out for the occasion

For real he does this because when you're alone he can be himself and he loves doing that when you're both experiencing something that makes you happy-- But! Those are head canons for another time hehe >:)

————————————

Bruce Wayne

I believe he's the only one in the bat family who knows the worth of money while having being rich his entire life (ya know, having to use all the disguises he does and going undercover as a normal person a lot of the time)

He definitely offers you a job at Wayne Enterprises, and if you accept he agrees to keeping your relationship under wraps so that no one will start saying that you 'sleep with him for the job'

On that topic if the relationship ever goes public and people start saying that, he will fire them without hesitation

And if it's business partners joking with him about it, he won't stop dealing with them for the sole purpose of covertly crippling their reputation so badly they'll have no choice but to sell their companies to him

You obviously live with him at the Manor, and he insists that everything be paid for by himself only (ya know, richest man in New Jersey and probably the world soooo....)

Bruce is really bad with his emotions, he tends to really repress them whenever he deems them something he's not 'worthy' of feeling or whenever he perceives he has failed at something or failed someone, so the mere fact he confessed his feelings towards you and that he doesn't shun your love is a huge step forward for him. This doesn't mean that he's good at expressing his emotions when he doesn't repress them though, especially not with words.

This is why his main love languages are gift-giving and acts of service, because he shows his love through actions.

Gift-giving as an important love language for him happens because he's very busy both during the day and the night, so sometimes your schedules just don't align or he even has to go off-world with the Justice League and stuff, so he 'makes up' those missed acts of service with lavish gifts

Usually this could be seen as 'throwing money at the problem and hoping it fixes itself' but the thing is that Bruce's gifts are pretty much always spontaneous. He's out and about in his public persona or patrolling as batman, and he sees a storefront with something that reminds him of you or that he thinks you would like. The next logical step is obviously buying it for you as soon as possible and getting it to the manor. Because Bruce is really bad at showing it but the people he loves are always at the forefront of his mind (when he's not being an asshole and repressing his emotions as if the fate of humankind depended on his ability to give his family the cold shoulder and communicating only in grunts and sighs)

———————————— A/n: this was so fun! I love writing head canons because there is no pressure with story flow and how much description and feeling you're putting into it, it's very similar to sharing your thoughts with a friend and that's what endears the format to me so much :) Hope you enjoyed! If you like my work, please consider reblogging and checking out my other works through the master list in my pinned post<3 Love you all🩷

Total word count: 2009

[octuscle]

My professor gave me a zero on my essay for no reason! I did the work! When I asked him why he said that it was because I was a jock and jocks always fail his class. It’s time for payback!

Seriously, what do you expect from a professor of German studies named Dr. Kurt-Heinrich Schulte Obermeier? He's a Westphalian lateral thinker with Prussian discipline oozing from his every pore. Immaculate hairstyle, perfectly fitting suits, first-class pressed shirts. Handkerchief and tie always coordinated with great taste. A luminary in matters of German post-war literature. And an asshole as a professor.

I am a natural scientist. Sort of. According to my self-image as a support staff member. I'm of the opinion that the world isn't a worse place with one less Germanist in it. If he spends his time on meaningful things instead of Günther Grass.

When he wakes up the next morning, he feels fresh and rested. Dr. Kurt Obermeier is one of the youngest research assistants to have ever worked at your university. He is cool. He knows he's clever. But he's a good tutor and even if he's always dressed a bit stuffy, you can have fun with him. Rather atypical for a German studies student, you can even meet him in the sports bar in the evening. When the German soccer league is on.

Curt Meier is a WASP like no other. Although half of him is not Anglo-Saxon but German. That's why he decided to study business administration and German studies. Out of pure interest. He doesn't need to earn any money anyway, he lives off his parents' money. And he lives off the occasional modeling job. Curt is New England incarnate. Cultured, educated. And in his beauty, he is unfortunately also a little boring. But what do you expect from someone who plays cricket?

Yo, dude! Check it out, this Curtis Meyers guy, man, he's like, totally not fitting in at the uni, you know? Button-down shirts? Rugby shirts? That ain't his vibe at all. He's all about football jerseys, bro. But honestly, he only throws those on when he has to. In German studies? Forget about it. The professor thinks he's gotta dress fancy? Ridiculous, man! If they kicked him out for that, he'd be damn happy. He only picked this damn major 'cause he thought it was gonna be all about Thor and Wotan and all those badass demigods, you feel me? They're awesome. But Rilke and Heine? Hell no. And their language, man! Who the hell came up with that? Must've had a sunstroke that day, dude. Oh, and what's up with the sun? Time to link up with the boys and toss some balls on the field...

Mike Curtis hated university, man. Those snobby dudes there were just dumbasses and annoying as hell. Too dumb to take out the trash properly. Too lazy to clean up their own mess. Keeping the campus clean was a crappy job. He especially hated that German Studies building. Full of stuck-up know-it-alls. All a bunch of weaklings. Supposedly Mike had some German great-grandfather or something. What a load of crap! What kind of dumbass has two last names? Anyway, Mike supposedly got his German looks from him. Also bullshit! That was all sweat and hard work in the gym. Mike didn't inherit nothing. He earned everything he got. And he was damn proud of it!

Mike is not a jock in the strict sense of the word. But certainly more than Professor Dr. Schulte Obermeier. I don't think you have anything more to fear from him, Bro. As long as you separate the garbage properly.

[frostbitemutt]

some Jack marston hcs? Low honor more specifically 👀

Oh dear. But, Yes. Yes I will. This is low honor. Don't expect anything less than awful 💀.

Yandere! Low honor! Jack Marston hcs

Warnings: gender neutral darling, yandere trope, forced "relationship", obsession, stalking, harassment, unwanted crude flirting, perverted comments, non-consensual kissing and touching mentioned (nothing explicit), breaking and entering, kidnapping, violence, murder, sadism

Main traits:

|perverted/possessive/violent/sadistic|

✘ John Jack Marston Jr. Better to just call him Jack. A raunchy 19 year old trying to imitate his less than a saint father. On track to being an outlaw... yeah.. you're pretty fucked. He's an absolute little shithead.

✘ I'm going to assume you're a local townsfolk, maybe a store clerk, farmer, or maybe you're just his neighbor. You'll know when you've caught his eye. He makes it more than clear. Hounding you around town. Cat-calling you.

✘ His comments are perverted "They tell me I'm at my sexual peak sweetheart..", "Come on, just one kiss.", "are you are aroused as I am?".. and other comments. Very much to your dismay. Dosen't matter your gender. The perversion dosen't stop at words. If you don't have your curtains shut.. you may have to deal with a peeping Tom. His hands wander where they shouldn't, attempting to grab at you, pull you in close enough for him to kiss.

✘ He's possessive of you. You're not in a relationship. Hell you're not even friendly with him. You're definitely less than that. He still feels you're his regardless of the fact you hate his ass. No other man or woman needs to be looking or touching up on you. That's his job. Not theirs. He won't stand by and let someone else harrass you either. To him it's only okay when he does it. Hypocrite. Threatening, dueling, and shooting people left and right.

✘ Just like his daddy, he's violent. Wouldn't John be proud? Probably not. I already mentioned him shooting randos down. Your friends? They're found with a ludicrous amount of bullet holes. Lover? Yeah their head got blow clean off with a shotgun, sorry. You ain't off the hook either. He'll tackle you to the ground and manhandle you in a fit of anger. He'll shout real loud too. Sudden and explosive is how his temper runs.

✘ Sadism is something that shines through a bit in Jack. Now he's not going out of his way to harm or hit you most of the time, unless he's feeling petty. Maybe he'll give you a mildly harsh kick to your side. However that dosent mean he isn't at all. Your tears, your screams, your sobs, and your insults...make him feel all funny inside as he'd put it. Yuck. He'll laugh and snort at you most of the time. Mocking you and your fear. Maybe even make some pig noises at you to add some salt to the wound. Calling out "Sooie!".

✘ You swear, you wake up at least once a week to a weird noise in your home. Window or door suddenly cracked open, not even cracked, more like wide open. Yet you can't find no one. Oh, yeah, mutiple items go missing too. Lots of clothes. Toothbrush. Notebooks if you got any. Were there always boot prints in your carpet? Your bed feel oddly warm? Nope. It was Jack. Who else.

✘ Escape is certainly.. difficult when he goes to kidnap you. He abuses the fuck out of his lasso. Running away on foot? Lasso. On horse? Get the fuck over here. Lasso. Move more than 30 feet from him? Lasso. That point he's doing it cause he thinks it's funny. Unfortunate for you. Not to downplay the fear that comes with it. Thinking you're free, only to be yanked off your horse and hogtied to the back of his.

✘ It's all much worse when he has you isolated, in his home. No police you can snitch to, bystanders to chase him off, or neighbors of yours to questioning him snooping about. He's dosen't bother restraining himself, he was barely before. Sloppily kissing you, hands grasping wherever he can, shoving you against the nearest solid surface. It's vile.

✘ You'll have to endure more of his tantrums than ever. Grumbling when you refuse to talk to him, because why would you want to? Pouting and stomping his foot when you push him away from you. Going on rants when you won't stop crying. His mood changes day from day. Luckily after a bit you might be able to read his face and tell when he's about to to blow a fuse. You can brace yourself for his delusional complaining.

✘ Don't loose all hope. Escape is possible. Now I'm not going to say Jack's stupid, he isn't. However we're still talking about a 19 year old. (I'm almost 19 I can throw shade). He doesn't have a plethora experience like his dad or an older outlaw. He's a new adult on a violent power trip. If he leaves the house, check the locks, he might have forgotten one. Try to knock him unconscious in his sleep or.. more permanent if you're absolutely certain you can. That's the more risky option. If you can act well enough, you can possibly convince him to let you outside with him. If he does? Book it.

[jacks347]

I MISSED THE NEW BVZ PREMIERE (THANKS JOB)

So now y'all get my live reaction! (I've never done one of these before, this is gonna be fun)

SPOILERS AHEAD IF YOU HAVEN'T WATCHED IT

Intro is great as always, I love this song so much

Here we go~

WHO?? WHAT??

OFF TO A STRONG START

"Lack of cooperation" My guy it's Albus, that's literally his entire thing

On your family?? YOU LEAVE FAITH OUT OF THIS (and Kerano and Devlin)

OH??

HI DEVLIN WHAT

That design is so good, Glowbat you wonder

Plot twist #1, I expect many more

We're not even 5 minutes in, this post is going to be a fucking Bible-

Does Devlin have freckles?? Did he always have freckles?? Beautiful

Oh Devlin got sassy during the break I like :P

Of course he calls for his brother, the strongest person he knows how sweet <3

Miracle of faith, in more ways than one

Oo, that sounds painful

~DINNER BREAK~

ALBUS! LANGUAGE!

Ooo scary protective Albus

"My brothers. My battalion." Oh-

Aaaaand there's the Albus we know and love XD

"Fuck you and your hat!" Pfft you leave Devlin's fedora alone XD

Oh, back to our regularly scheduled program

Waiter I'm afraid you got some capitalism in my cowboy fantasy

GIMME CROSSBOW I WANT A CROSSBOW

I don't even think Albus knows where Albus went, he just heard his brother calling and left

Ewwwww TMI Albus

LIGHTSABER?? WHO LET ALBUS PICK UP A LIGHTSABER

Oo who's at the door? And why do I not trust it-

Oh it's just Devlin-

Uh oh, Albus has to explain his family~

Hi Mahatma! I still don't entirely trust you!

Why am I playing organizing Tetris-

...oops

"Can I ask you something?" I mean you just did so-

"Do you ever feel...powerless?" Well ain't this a pleasant conversation

"Like you can't save the people you care about" WELL AIN'T THIS A PLEASANT CONVERSATION

Look at Hipswitch showing off his detective skills! I'm so proud

Oh? What's on that ship??

Oh god not more new characters-

The mafia's back that's not good-

Why is the mafia fighting the Triad I'M SCARED

THE MAFIA SHOT DOWN THE PALADIN SHIPS?? WHY?? I DON'T LIKE WHERE THIS IS GOING

Another point to the man that can't even fuckin read that he's just a tad bit stupid :P

Boys, boys! You're both pretty stop yelling XD

"Interesting" is certainly a word for it Doc, wait until you hear about the woman they're both in love with-

"Caused any distress" ...do you hear yourself Devlin?

...awkward silence...

Paladins of Cindergorn eh? Looks like we are gonna learn about Faith today

Devlin being a smartypants, Hipswitch giving the most sass I've ever heard in a single sentence, this is great

Ewww I hated everything about that metaphor

"Something doesn't feel quite right" Of course it doesn't because nothing here is ever simple

WHY IS DEVLIN CHANGING COLORS??

"Is there anything else you can actually swallow?" ...Doc that is the wrong person to ask

"Oh...eugh" 10/10 Love that reaction XD

Poor Devlin, he spent enough time single-handedly running a ship-

When did Albus attempt to learn to cook?? And why??

"Don't worry about me" Faith's healer senses are tingling

"I saw you get goosebumps, did I scare you?" Honey considering how this story is going I don't think it was fear-

HIPSWITCH THIS IS NOT THE POSITION YOU WANT TO BE IN WHEN DEVLIN GETS BACK

Oh the secondhand embarrassment is crawling up my spine and it hasn't even happened yet

Please God get off of him before I explode-

And we're safe thank god

"You don't trust him at all, do you?" Would you if you were in my position?

This is really just the backstory episode isn't it

Albus, the hired gun where his last job got him killed, wasn't too keen on being a bounty hunter until he saw the paycheck. Okay that stings a little-

"I'm sure they're fine" *Cut to them being very not fine*

Devlin proudly proclaiming he can't read, 10/10 tension diffused

"We won't tell a soul, right partner?" Sir I couldn't even if I wanted to my mouth is literally just for decoration at this point (don't take that out of context-)

Destroy a sacred scripture surrounded by Paladins of Cindergorn, a certain priestess just felt her eye twitch

Yes Doc, show off that psychology degree you worked so hard for (hi I'm a psych student so it's also the degree *I'm* working so hard for)

"Is Devlin a father?" He's not just a stepdad, he's a dad who stepped up 💪 (that was so bad forgive me-)

Devlin...what did you do...

Okay I do not trust any of what just happened, what are you after Devlin?

Oh god the mafia's back

DOGS?? OH GOD PLEASE NO

NOT DOC!! ALBUS SOUNDS SO WORRIED

Show em what you're made of Albus

Don't talk to Albus like he doesn't know what being trained from birth to be someone's dog is like-

Devlin's going through it again, someone save the poor boy from his flashbacks

Y'know, Redacted being the one getting killed instead of doing the killing is rather cathartic in a bittersweet kind of way

Time to rewrite history! Again!

"What exactly can he do?" Great question, I'll tell you when I find out

Oh great, GB's back on his villain shit what piece of lore are we getting today

I don't trust that music, what's about to happen and is it a sand worm like this is Star Wars (we already had a lightsaber it wouldn't shock me)

I KNEW IT!! ASK ME HOW I KNEW GO ON ASK

WHO IS THE MAN IN THE MASK I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS

"I have someone for this kind of thing" Yes go visit your wife and her special bandage technique :D

"Is it a hooker?" "No! It's not a hooker!" He sounded so offended for her, I love that

:O Let someone else fix you up?? And betray wife?? Wait no Wife is Gienne (hello GB Twitch chat :P)

Where's Faith I saw the cast list where is she

WHAT DO YOU WANT YOU BIRD NOSE FREAK

:D KERANO BABY

Oh that art is adorable

SHE CALLS HIM DAD MY HEART IS GONNA EXPLODE

Oop there's Faith-

And Kerano calls her Mom ughhhhh I'm not gonna make it y'all

"It's been x amount of time" Kerano I love you

"Death is too good for him" Yikes

"That's a relief!" "It is?" Pfft-

Faith went from furious to worried in 2 seconds hearing about Albus, that's our girl

"You didn't tell him about your father's death" HEH?? HONEY YOU DIDN'T TELL *ME* ABOUT HIS FATHER'S DEATH WTF I THOUGHT WE WERE IN THIS TOGETHER FAITH

Oh poor Devlin :(

"I miss him, Faith" Is that the first time we've ever heard Devlin call her by her name? Back in BW he always just called her Sister

Awww hug him for me Faith

Oh yeah, Faith is the only who can actually read-

"Something called Operation Sub Delta" ...what

Oh my god don't read it Faith please god don't read it

And she's reading it-

"You just want an excuse to see him again" Oh look, he's reading the thoughts of the fandom (YES WE WANT ALBUS TO SEE HIS WIFE AGAIN SO SUE US)

"I've actually met someone" EXCUSE ME?? DEVLIN YOU HOE WHO IS IT??

"Look at my choice in men" Ah so she realizes it XD

Come on Faith, connect the dots, I know you're smart enough

And she's done it

Who is Agent and what the hell is happening

Uh oh-

They have the files of the subjects that Devlin doesn't

Which means they can use Albus like their own weapon by probing his training like Kravatas did

Oh I really don't like where this is going

WHAT??

THAT'S THE END??

YOU CAN'T JUST END IT ON THAT WHAT THE HELL

Oh my god this series really loves throwing me for loops doesn't it

OKAY ENDING THOUGHTS

Absolute 100000/10 episode GB you madlad you've done it again

Was completely worth the wait, love seeing the whole cast together again including our new players!

The art is flawless, I expected nothing less of Glowbat

Keep doing what you do you mad genius GB, I'll be holding my breath for the next one (try not to kill me I can't do another 4 months-)

[gracegrove]

TW 70s era use of the word "queer"

Neil Hargrove doing a very working-class thing by volun-telling Billy that he will be spending his summer as a 14-year-old doing hard manual labor on a job site with some random ass uncle he didn't even know he had until one morning over dry Cheerios.

Neil drops him off at Uncle Matt's in Anaheim with a backpack and a duffel bag. See ya in September. "Don't cause your uncle any trouble," he warned with a thick grip on the shoulder before he took off for the interstate.

Billy stared at the man with hard eyes, his arms crossed in defiance. "You're not my real Uncle..."

The man chortled, ash sprinkling from the thick cigar chomped in his teeth. "Ya think so, tough guy?" He chuckled some more, waving for Billy to come inside.

Uncle Matt was a large man, as wide as he was tall. The furniture groaned when he sat down, casually kicking off his work boots and shrugging out of his suspenders as he picked up the can of beer from the side table.

"So Willy..." "It's Billy." Uncle Matt gave him a toothy grin. "Billy," he corrected, "Ya ever work a day in yer life?"

Billy sat on the corner of the couch, as the man took a long sip from his Coors. "Kinda. I mow lawns n' stuff."

Matt chuckled, "Ya ain't gonna be mowing no fucking lawns here! This is gonna be hardass work kid. Best get some sleep now..."

Billy rolled his eyes and headed off to the bedroom he was given.

After the first month, Billy and Uncle Matt fell into a routine. Matt's wind-up alarm clock was grating and shrill enough to wake Billy before Matt got two extra snores in at sunrise. The pair shared toast, eggs, and Folger's instant before heading out to the job site.

Billy's hands had gotten rough and calloused. Blistered and scabbed over more times than he could count.

"Hey Billy!" Matt called out over the ending shift horn. Billy slung the hammer in his grip onto the loop of his jeans and began climbing down the ladder. "Yah?"

"We're gonna have some company over tonight for dinner. My bookkeeper, Dan. So play nice." Billy smiled wryly. "I always play nice."

Things seemed a bit odd when dinnertime began rolling around. Uncle Matt was combing and carefully parting his hair in the mirror and was that the stench of aftershave on his beard?

Also for the first time in his life, Billy discovered what a tablecloth looked like as Matt carefully smoothed it across the dining room table. Billy crinkled his nose in suspicion, "Dan's a woman."

Matt barked out a laughed. "You're a hoot kid! Wait till Dan hears that!"

The doorbell rang and Matt stood up straight, smoothing his shirt. "Billy, can you set the plates out while I get the door?" Billy squinted at him, as the man hurried out of the room.

Peeking his head around the corner Billy snuck a glance at their guest.

Dan was not what Billy was expecting and he certainly wasn't a woman either. Dan was an average man of average height. He had shaggy brown hair and a thick mustache to boot. His face was set with round thick-rimmed glasses. What was so special about Dan that they had to have dinner with him?

The men hugged at the door, the embrace uncharacteristic of how Billy believed men should act around each other. They regarded each other warmly. "I'm so glad you came," Matt said quietly. "Me too. I've missed you."

Scurrying back, Billy quickly set the table and sat down, his heart thundering. He suddenly felt like he shouldn't be here. Like he was now a part of a horrible secret.

"Billy, this is Dan." Matt introduced as they entered the room. Billy awkwardly rose from his chair, weakly shaking his hand. "H-hey."

"Why don't you two have a seat and I'll fetch the chow, huh?" Matt said happily, a hand on Dan's shoulder.

"Oh, I'll help!" Billy forcibly stated, rushing into the kitchen.

Matt raised an eyebrow, "Ok..."

In the kitchen, Billy was nervously wringing his hands around a hot pad as Matt entered. "Are you a queer?" he blurted out, regretting it in an instant.

Matt set down the crockery he had set to take in. "I am Billy. Does that make you uncomfortable?"

Billy twisted the hot pad back and forth in his hands, "I... – I don't know. It's like..." He was struggling, his nose scrunching and his eyes watering up. "You're... you're not supposed to."

Uncle Matt ripped a paper towel off the rack and handed it to Billy. "It's okay tough guy, you don't gotta figure it all out right now. If you wanna have dinner in your room you can."

Billy shook his head, blowing his nose loudly. "But you made all this, and... you're real nice, and... –"

"... a damned queer." Matt added with a deadpan delivery. "Just don't tell your father, he'd have a heart attack."

Billy laughed.

"Now c'mon. Chow's gettin' cold."

[homosexualisopod]

idk what else to say in here.

Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful

sort, which could only be broken by Love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a

terrible fire breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful

prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower

for her true love and true love's first kiss. Like that's ever going to happen. What a loony. Shrek

Beware Stay out I think he's in here. All right. Lets get it! Hold on. Do you know what that thing can

do to you? Yeah. He'll groan into your bones for his brains. Well actually that would be a giant. Now

Ogres, huh, they are much worse. They'll make a soup from your freshly peeled skin. They'll chew

your livers, squeeze the jelly from your eyes. Actually, it's quite good on toast. Back, back beast,

back! I warned you! Right. This is the part, where you run away. Yeah! And stay out. Wanted.

Fairytale creatures. Right, this one is full. Take it away. Give me that. Your fine days are over. -25

pieces of silver for the witch. Next. -Come on. Sit down there! And be quiet! This cage is so small.

You wouldn't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please, give me another chance.

Oh, shut up! Next. What do we got? This little wooden puppet. I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy. Five

shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. No! Please, don't let them do it! Next. What do you

got? Well, I've got a talking donkey! Right. Well that's good for ten schillings, if you can prove it. Oh,

go ahead fella. Well? He's just a li..., just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. You

boneheaded donkey! That's it. I have heard enough. Guards! No, no, he talks, he does! I can talk. I

love to talk. I've talked to... Get her out of my sight! -No, no, I swear! Hey, I can fly. -He can fly! -He

can fly! He can talk! -That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey! You might have seen house

fly, maybe even a superfly. But I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Seize him! Get him! This way!

Hurry! You there. Ogre. -I. By the order of lord Farquaad. I am authorized to place you both under

arrest. And transport you to designated resettlement facility. Oh really? You and what army? Can I

say something to you? Listen, you were really, really something, back there. Incredible. Are you

talking to... ...me? Yes, I was talking to you. Can I just tell you that you were really great back there

with those guards. They thought that was all over there. And then you showed up and BAM. There

was tripping on over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.

Oh, that's great. Really. Man, it's good to be free. Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom

with your own friends? But I... I don't have any friends. And I'm not going out there by myself. Hey

wait a minute. I have a great idea... I'll stick with you. You and me in green fighting machine.

Together we'll scare the spin if anybody crosses us. Oh, a, that was really scary. Maybe you don't

mine me saying. If that don't work, your breath will certainly do the job done, 'cause... you

definitively need some tic-tac or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man you've ??? my note!

Just like the time... ...and then I ate some rotten berries. Man I had some strong gases leaking out of

my but that day. Why are you following me? I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone, there is no one

here, beside me. My problems have all gone. There's no one to derive me. But you got to have

free ... -Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder, you don't have any friends. Wow! Only a true friend

would be that truly honest. Listen! Little donkey. Take a look at me! What am I? A... ...really tall? No!

I'm an Ogre. You know, grab your torch and pitchforks. Doesn't that bother you? Nope. Really?

-Really really. Oh? Man, I like you. What's your name? A..., Shrek. Shrek?! But do you know, what I

like about you, Shrek? You've got that kind of: "I don't care what nobody thinks of me" thing. I like

that, I respect that, Shrek. You're all right. Uh, look at that. Who would wanna live in a place like

that? That would be my home. Oh, it is lovely. Just beautiful. You know you're quite a decorator. It's

amazing what you did with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess,

you don't entertain much, do you? I like my privacy. You know I do to. That's another thing, we have

in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You try to give them a hint and they

won't leave. And then there's that big occurred silence, you know? Can I stay with you? -What? Can

I stay with you, please. Of course! -Really? No. -Please! I don't want to go back there. You don't

how is like to be concerned like a freak. Well..., maybe you do. But that's why we have to stick

together! You got to let me stay! Please! Please! OK, OK. -But one night only. -Huh, thank you! A,

what are you do... No! This is going to be fun. We can stay up late, swap the manly stories. And in

the morning... I'm making waffles. Where do I sleep? Outside! Oh, a, I guess that's cool. You know, I

don't know you and you don't know me... ... so I guess, outside is best for me. Here I go. Good

night. I do like that half door. I'm a donkey all alone outside. Sit by myself outside, I guess. I'm all

alone, there's no one here beside me. -I thought, I told you to stay outside. -I am outside. Well

James. This is far from the farm, but what choice do we have? It's not... What a lovely bed. -Got

you! I found some cheese. Awful stuff. -Is that you Gordon? -How did you know? Enough! What are

You need to be euthanized I think

[evolutionsvoid]

When environments go bad, people typically think that the wildlife vanishes completely. If a pond gets polluted, or a bunch of the vegetation in a forest dies, then surely nothing is going to stick around! Indeed, it is true that upsets in ecosystems can cause numerous species to vanish from them. It is certainly a sign, and a bad one at that. Like amphibians disappearing from your local lake or marsh. When the frogs stop singing, something ain't right. However, there are also instances where new life entering the picture can be an equally bad sign. "But Chlora!" some of you may say "Isn't having new species come into an ecosystem a good thing? Isn't more life better?" To that I say: have you been reading these? Because if you are thinking that adding species to a habitat is always a plus, then I am about to launch an entire tome's worth of invasive species issues right into your face. Some creatures are simply not meant to be in places, be it lack of predators, lack of usual food source or other environmental factors. Some may be invasive, while others are simply in an area where they shouldn't be! Like, if you had a pond and suddenly saltwater fish started living in it. You would be like "hey, isn't this a fresh water body?" Well apparently not anymore!  An extreme example, yes, but I am trying to convey something here. Not sure if I am doing a great job at it. Here's another example, using the star of this entry: the Doratabo!

Before we can get into it proper, we need to know what a Doratabo is. The Doratabo is a species of fish, though not exactly in the fish form you expect. They have a long body, a large head and, most noticeably, a pair of limbs. Where one would expect fins, the Doratabo has a rather simple pair of forearms. Though there are digits at the ends of these arms, don't think that this fish is scaling cliffs or picking up swords. These arms are rather thin in comparison to the rest of their body, and even their clawed fingers aren't that sharp or tough. The most these limbs do is dig through the mud or help drag themselves along the ground. This brings me to the next noticeable feature of this species, and its the fact that you often see them out of the water! While they are indeed fish, the Doratabo has a wet hide that allows it to absorb air, like an amphibian would! Even their throats have this lining that lets them swallow air and breath without using their gills! This is good for them, because it means they can spend time outside of a particular water body and not worry about suffocating. It also lets them traverse the shores or move to better pools instead of being trapped in one place! They use this air breathing so much, that they are commonly found on mudflats, river shores and places where the waters have receded. Though they don't need water to breath, they do need moisture for their skin to take in air, so they are still reliant on places that have plenty of water or dampness. Mud is their favorite, so much so that locals would say that they are born from it. Make a mud puddle on your property, and Doratabo will magically pop out of it! But more on that later!

The muddy shores and flats are where they like to hang out, and it is also where they hunt. Their big mouths are used for swallowing up insects, crabs, snails and smaller fish. They typically look for food that is struggling in the thick mud, giving them opportunity to slither towards them and gobble them up! Though they are large, there are plenty of other creatures that would happily dine on them! To avoid predation, Doratabo hide themselves in the mud, using their earthy coloration and wrinkled hide to blend in with the environment. To add to the look, they coat themselves in the wet mud. This has the double bonus of wetting their skin for breathing and building up their camouflage! Once they are covered, they look like they are one with their surroundings, vanishing into the soggy earth whenever predators come around. Even if a beast were to locate them and attack, they will find their claws and teeth slipping off the slick hide, making it difficult to grab hold of the wriggling fish! And if things get really dire, they will lash out with their clawed fingers or try to smother their attacker in the thick mud. The latter tactic has them using their bulk to knock foes over into the muck, then push them further in until they give up or suffocate. 

To the people who live in the regions the Doratabo dwells, it isn't a huge threat to them. These fish prefer to be left alone and if threatened, they usually just burrow into the mud and hide, so attacks are rare. They aren't hunted that much either, because their meat is considered quite gross. Folks claim it is very muddy tasting and gritty, practically marinated in the muck they inhabit. Some people like it, but from the sounds of it it is a very acquired taste. So interactions between people and Doratabo are rather infrequent it would seem, until you hear the stories...

Despite their rather harmless nature and love for mud, it seems this fish has made it into quite a few tales. In fact, the people of the past labeled it as a spirit of vengeance. That seems a bit extreme, right? Well, here is where it gets interesting, and where my ramblings at the beginning finally make sense. The Doratabo was considered to be an entity that haunted forgotten rice fields, where vegetation had overgrown and mud had swallowed the crop. These muddy spirits would arise and torment the living with their howls and vile presence, until the owners of the land changed their ways and tended to their wasted fields. What on odd thing! Where on earth did they get that idea? Well I'll tell you!

I made mention before that Doratabo love mud and usually show up wherever it is in excess, right? Well, when rice fields get neglected and are left to the elements, the fields tend to get overgrown and muddy. Once this starts to happen, local Doratabo take notice, and they think these places would make lovely homes! So a few move in, trampling the vegetation and churning up the earth, making the field even more foul and mucky. As they do this, more Doratabo show up to take advantage of this new place, and eventually the whole field becomes a flat of mud and drowned rice plants. So if one neglects their rice fields, then these "men of mud" show up and start making it worse. This image is made possible through the large head and clawed arms of the Doratabo rising out of the mud, giving folks the impression of a humanoid clawing out of the muck. Their large colorful lump on their faces also makes people think of an eye, turning this angry spirit into an angry cyclops! But what of the howling? Well, when Doratabo gather in large numbers, things get heated during the mating season. Males will stand proud on the mud flats, with their colorful nose ornament on full display. They suck up air and then let it all out in long howl, which kind of sounds like a deep long burp. They make these noises to attract females and let other males know who is on top. If any challengers show up, it is some good old mud wrestling until one of them slinks off in defeat! While this is all about mating to them, folks mistake these calls for groans and moans of restless spirits. 

While in the past, they once believed these fish to be upset spirits angered by the neglected rice fields, people now recognize them as both a simple species and an important environmental cue. When water levels change, and vegetation starts choking out a water body, the Doratabo will show up for the mud and their presence will speed up the process. The waterways will grow murky and stifled, and local vegetation will get trampled until the whole area is just a muddy field. Not the end of the world, but not good for species that used to live in these pristine waters! So now people know to keep an eye out for Doratabo moving into water bodies they aren't usually in, as it is a sign that something is wrong with the environment. So it turns out that they aren't restless spirits, but they do appear to be a modern day omen!

Chlora Myron

Dryad Natural Historian

------------------------------------------------------

"Doratabo"

The season calls for some spirits or yokai! Could always stand to have a couple of those! Now lets shove it into a fish!

[fyodordostoevskeys]

Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by Love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. Like that's ever going to happen. What a loony. Shrek Beware Stay out I think he's in here. All right. Lets get it! Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? Yeah. He'll groan into your bones for his brains. Well actually that would be a giant. Now Ogres, huh, they are much worse. They'll make a soup from your freshly peeled skin. They'll chew your livers, squeeze the jelly from your eyes. Actually, it's quite good on toast. Back, back beast, back! I warned you! Right. This is the part, where you run away. Yeah! And stay out. Wanted. Fairytale creatures. Right, this one is full. Take it away. Give me that. Your fine days are over. -25 pieces of silver for the witch. Next. -Come on. Sit down there! And be quiet! This cage is so small. You wouldn't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please, give me another chance. Oh, shut up! Next. What do we got? This little wooden puppet. I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy. Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. No! Please, don't let them do it! Next. What do you got? Well, I've got a talking donkey! Right. Well that's good for ten schillings, if you can prove it. Oh, go ahead fella. Well? He's just a li..., just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. You boneheaded donkey! That's it. I have heard enough. Guards! No, no, he talks, he does! I can talk. I love to talk. I've talked to... Get her out of my sight! -No, no, I swear! Hey, I can fly. -He can fly! -He can fly! He can talk! -That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey! You might have seen house fly, maybe even a superfly. But I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Seize him! Get him! This way! Hurry! You there. Ogre. -I. By the order of lord Farquaad. I am authorized to place you both under arrest. And transport you to designated resettlement facility. Oh really? You and what army? Can I say something to you? Listen, you were really, really something, back there. Incredible. Are you talking to... ...me? Yes, I was talking to you. Can I just tell you that you were really great back there with those guards. They thought that was all over there. And then you showed up and BAM. There was tripping on over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. Oh, that's great. Really. Man, it's good to be free. Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? But I... I don't have any friends. And I'm not going out there by myself. Hey wait a minute. I have a great idea... I'll stick with you. You and me in green fighting machine. Together we'll scare the spin if anybody crosses us. Oh, a, that was really scary. Maybe you don't mine me saying. If that don't work, your breath will certainly do the job done, 'cause... you definitively need some tic-tac or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man you've ??? my note! Just like the time... ...and then I ate some rotten berries. Man I had some strong gases leaking out of my but that day. Why are you following me? I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone, there is no one here, beside me. My problems have all gone. There's no one to derive me. But you got to have free ... -Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder, you don't have any friends. Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest. Listen! Little donkey. Take a look at me! What am I? A... ...really tall? No! I'm an Ogre. You know, grab your torch and pitchforks. Doesn't that bother you? Nope. Really? -Really really. Oh? Man, I like you. What's your name? A..., Shrek. Shrek?! But do you know, what I like about you, Shrek? You've got that kind of: "I don't care what nobody thinks of me" thing.

—-🐈 (the parasites got to me)

Why did I read this..

[localskoomaaddict]

um yea anyway

Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful

sort, which could only be broken by Love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a

terrible fire breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful

prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower

for her true love and true love's first kiss. Like that's ever going to happen. What a loony. Shrek

Beware Stay out I think he's in here. All right. Lets get it! Hold on. Do you know what that thing can

do to you? Yeah. He'll groan into your bones for his brains. Well actually that would be a giant. Now

Ogres, huh, they are much worse. They'll make a soup from your freshly peeled skin. They'll chew

your livers, squeeze the jelly from your eyes. Actually, it's quite good on toast. Back, back beast,

back! I warned you! Right. This is the part, where you run away. Yeah! And stay out. Wanted.

Fairytale creatures. Right, this one is full. Take it away. Give me that. Your fine days are over. -25

pieces of silver for the witch. Next. -Come on. Sit down there! And be quiet! This cage is so small.

You wouldn't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please, give me another chance.

Oh, shut up! Next. What do we got? This little wooden puppet. I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy. Five

shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. No! Please, don't let them do it! Next. What do you

got? Well, I've got a talking donkey! Right. Well that's good for ten schillings, if you can prove it. Oh,

go ahead fella. Well? He's just a li..., just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. You

boneheaded donkey! That's it. I have heard enough. Guards! No, no, he talks, he does! I can talk. I

love to talk. I've talked to... Get her out of my sight! -No, no, I swear! Hey, I can fly. -He can fly! -He

can fly! He can talk! -That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey! You might have seen house

fly, maybe even a superfly. But I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Seize him! Get him! This way!

Hurry! You there. Ogre. -I. By the order of lord Farquaad. I am authorized to place you both under

arrest. And transport you to designated resettlement facility. Oh really? You and what army? Can I

say something to you? Listen, you were really, really something, back there. Incredible. Are you

talking to... ...me? Yes, I was talking to you. Can I just tell you that you were really great back there

with those guards. They thought that was all over there. And then you showed up and BAM. There

was tripping on over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.

Oh, that's great. Really. Man, it's good to be free. Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom

with your own friends? But I... I don't have any friends. And I'm not going out there by myself. Hey

wait a minute. I have a great idea... I'll stick with you. You and me in green fighting machine.

Together we'll scare the spin if anybody crosses us. Oh, a, that was really scary. Maybe you don't

mine me saying. If that don't work, your breath will certainly do the job done, 'cause... you

definitively need some tic-tac or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man you've ??? my note!

Just like the time... ...and then I ate some rotten berries. Man I had some strong gases leaking out of

my but that day. Why are you following me? I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone, there is no one

here, beside me. My problems have all gone. There's no one to derive me. But you got to have

free ... -Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder, you don't have any friends. Wow! Only a true friend

would be that truly honest. Listen! Little donkey. Take a look at me! What am I? A... ...really tall? No!

I'm an Ogre. You know, grab your torch and pitchforks. Doesn't that bother you? Nope. Really?

-Really really. Oh? Man, I like you. What's your name? A..., Shrek. Shrek?! But do you know, what I

like about you, Shrek? You've got that kind of: "I don't care what nobody thinks of me" thing. I like

that, I respect that, Shrek. You're all right. Uh, look at that. Who would wanna live in a place like

that? That would be my home. Oh, it is lovely. Just beautiful. You know you're quite a decorator. It's

amazing what you did with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess,

you don't entertain much, do you? I like my privacy. You know I do to. That's another thing, we have

in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You try to give them a hint and they

won't leave. And then there's that big occurred silence, you know? Can I stay with you? -What? Can

I stay with you, please. Of course! -Really? No. -Please! I don't want to go back there. You don't

how is like to be concerned like a freak. Well..., maybe you do. But that's why we have to stick

together! You got to let me stay! Please! Please! OK, OK. -But one night only. -Huh, thank you! A,

what are you do... No! This is going to be fun. We can stay up late, swap the manly stories. And in

the morning... I'm making waffles. Where do I sleep? Outside! Oh, a, I guess that's cool. You know, I

don't know you and you don't know me... ... so I guess, outside is best for me. Here I go. Good

night. I do like that half door. I'm a donkey all alone outside. Sit by myself outside, I guess. I'm all

alone, there's no one here beside me. -I thought, I told you to stay outside. -I am outside. Well

James. This is far from the farm, but what choice do we have? It's not... What a lovely bed. -Got

you! I found some cheese. Awful stuff. -Is that you Gordon? -How did you know? Enough! What are

you doing in my house? Oh, no, no, no... Death prods off the table! Where would we supposed to

put her. The bed's taken. What? I live in a swamp. I've put up signs. I'm a terrifying Ogre! What do I

have to do, to get a little privacy? Oh, no! No, no! What are you doing in my swamp? All right, get

out of here. All of you. Move it! Come on, let's go. And hurry up, hurry up. No, no, not there. Not

there! Hey don't look at me. I didn't invite them. Oh gosh, no one invited us. -What? We were forced

to come here. -By who? Lord Farquaad. He ??? All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?

Oh I do. I know where he is. Does anyone else know where to find him? -Anyone at all? -Me.

-Anyone? Oh pick me, I know! Me, me. Ok, fine. Attention all fairy tale things! Do not get

comfortable. Your welcome is officially warned up. In fact. I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right

now and get all off my land and back where you came from. You. You're coming with me. All right.

That's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stubborn friends off on a world and big city

adventure. I love it. I'm on road again. Sing with me Shrek! I'm on road again... What did I say about

singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Well, can I hummer? -All right. That's enough. He's ready to talk.

Run, run, run as fast as you can, you can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man. You monster. I'm not

a monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairytale trash, poisoning my perfect world. -Now

tell me! Where are the others? -Eat me. I've tried to be fair to you, creatures. Now my patience has

reached its end! -Tell me! Or I'll... -No, no, not the buttons. Not gumdrop buttons. All right! Who's

hiding them? Ok, I'll tell you. -Do you know the muffin-man? -The muffin-man? -The muffin-man.

-Yes, I know the muffin-man. Who lives on Proully lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin-man.

-The muffin-man! -The muffin-man! -She's married to the muffin-man. My lord! We found it. Well

then, what are you waiting for? Bring it in. Magic mirror. Don't tell him anything! Evening. Mirror,

mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? Well, technically, you're not a

king. A..., felonious. -You were saying. -What I mean is a... ...you're not a king, yet. But you can

become one. All you have to do, is marry a princess. Go on. So, just sit back and relax my lord,

because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are. Bachelorette

number one is a mentally abused shading from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and

hottubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for two evil sisters. Please

welcome... Cinderella. Bachelorette number two is a kemp wearing girl from a land of fantasy.

Although she lives with seven other man, she is not easy. Just kiss hers dead frozen lips and find

out what a live wife she is. Come on. Give it up for... Show-white. And last but certainly not least.

Bachelorette number three is a fire-breathing ????, dragon guarded castle, surrounded by a hot

boiling lava. But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes Pina Coladas and getting

cut in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona. So will it be, bachelorette number one?

Bachelorette number two? Or bachelorette number three? -Two... -Three! -Two! One. No, no, no.

Three. Pick number three my lord. Ok, ok. Number three. Lord Farquaad. You've chosen... princess

Fiona. She's nice. Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone... But I probably should

mention little thing that happens at night... -I'll do it! -Yes, but after sunset... Silence! I will make this

princess Fiona my queen. And Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain! Assemble your finest

man. We're going to have a tournament! That's it, that's, right there, that's Duloc. I've told you I'll

find it. So. That must be lord Farquaad's castle. Aha, that's the place. Do you think maybe he's

compensating for something. Hey, hey wait up Shrek! -Hey, you! -No, no! Wait a second. Look, I'm

not gonna eat you. I just... It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? Hey look at this. Wow! -Let's

do that again. -No. no. All right. You're going the right way for smack bottom. Sorry about that. That

champion should have the honor, no, no... ...the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely princess

Fiona from the fireing keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first

runner up will take his place. And so on, and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I'm

willing to make. Applause. Let the tournament begin. What is that? Ugh, it's hideous. Oh, that's not

very nice. It's just a donkey. Indeed. Knights! New plan. The one, who kills the Ogre, will be named

champion. How about him. Oh, hey. Now, come on. Can't we just settle this over a pint? No? All

right then. Come on. Hey Shrek! Let me, let me! The chair! Give him the chair! Thank you. Thank

you, very much. I'm here until Thursday. Try the wheel! Shall I give the order sir? No. I have a better

idea. People of Duloc. I give you our champion! What? Congratulation, Ogre. You've won the honor

of embarking on a great and noble quest. Quest? I'm already on a quest. A quest to get my swamp

back! -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairytale creatures. Indeed. All

right Ogre, I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me and I'll give you your swamp back. Exactly

the way it was? Down to the last slime covered toast tool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone.

What kind of quest? Ok, let me get this straight! We gonna go find the dragon and rescue a princess

just so Farquaad will give you back the swamp, which you only don't have, 'cause he filled it with

full of freaks on the first place. -Is that about right? -You know what? Maybe there is a good reason,

donkeys shouldn't talk. I don't get it Shrek. Why didn't you just pull some old Ogre stuff on them?

You know, ??? . Grab his bones to make you brave. You know the whole Ogre trick. Oh, you know

what. Maybe I could have decapitated entire village and put their heads on plate. Got a knife, cut

open their spleens and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? A, no, not really, no. For

your information, there is a lot more to Ogres than people think. -Example. -Example? OK, A-a-m,

Ogres are like onions. -They stink? -Yes, no. -O, they make you cry. -No. Oh, you leave them out on

the sun and they get all brown and start ??? little wild hairs? No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres

have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. O, you both have layers. You

know not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes. Cakes have layers. I don't care

what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. You know what else everyone likes? Paffe. Have you

ever met a person and you say: "Hey, let's get some paffe" and they say I don't like paffe. Paffe is

delicious. No! You tensed, irritating, miniature peace of barden. Ogres are like onions. End of story.

Bye, bye. See you lather. Paffe is maybe the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. You

know I think I've preferred your humming. Do you have a tissue or something, 'cause I'm making a

mess. Just the word paffe has made me start slimying Why, Shrek, did you do that? Man you got to

warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was opened and everything. Believe me

donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. It's brimstone. We must be getting close. Yeah, right,

brimstone. Don't be talking ??? brimstone. I know what I smell and ??? no brimstone. And they

don't come of stone neither. Sure it's big enough, but look at the location. Oh, Shrek, remember

when you said that Ogres have layers? Oh, yeah. Well, I have a confession to make. Donkeys don't

have layers. We wear ??? sleeves. Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I

mean. -Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of highs. No, I'm just a little uncomfortable of being on a

rickety bridge over boiling lake of lava! Come on donkey, I'm right here beside you. Ok? For

emotional support. We'll just hackle this thing together one little baby step after time. -Really?

-Really really. Ok. That makes me feel so much better. Just keep moving and don't look down.

Don't look down, don't look down. Shrek! I'm looking down! I can't do this. Just let me off right now,

please. -But you're already half way. -Yeah, but I know that half is safe. Ok, fine. I don't have time

for this. You go back. Shrek, no, wait. Don't do that! Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh. This? -Yes, that!

Yes, yes. Do it. OK. -No, Shrek! -I'm doing it. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die.

That will do Donkey, that will do. Cool. So where is this fire breathing pain in the neck anyway?

Inside. Waiting for us to rescue her. I was talking about the dragon Shrek. -Are you afraid? -No, but

shhhhh. Oh, good. Me neither. Because there's nothing wrong with being afraid. Here's a...,

something responsible of the situation. Not to mention dangerous situation. And there's dragon that

breathes fire. I'm sure he's meaner than a cow or anything, but they're scare. You know what I

mean. I'm sure he's heavier than a cow... Donkey. Two things. Ok? Shut, up. Now go over there and

see if you can find any stairs. Stairs? I thought we were looking for the princess. The princess will be

up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. What makes you think she'll be there? I read it

in a book once. Cool. You handle the dragon, I'll handle the stairs. Oh, I'll find those stairs. I'll ???.

That's right. Those stairs won't know which way they go. The drafting stairs, ??? Don't mess with

me. I'm the stair master. I'm master of the stairs. I wish I had a stair right here right here now, I'd

step all over it. Well, at least we know where the princess is. -But where is the... -Dragon! Donkey,

look out! Got you. Oh, what large teeth you have. I mean, white sparkling teeth. You probably hear

this all the time from your food, but you must bleach yourself, because that is one dashing smile you

got there. And do I detect the hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're a girl

dragon. Oh, sure. I mean 'course you're a girl dragon, 'cause you're just ricking the feminine beauty

out. What's the matter with you? Do you have something in your eye? Man, I'd really love to stay,

but you know I'm a asthmatic and I don't know if we would worked out. You'd be blowing smoke

and stuff. Shrek! No, Shrek! Shrek! -Wake up! -What? Are you princess Fiona? I am. Awaiting a

knight so bold as to rescue me. Oh, that's nice. Now let's go. But wait, sir knight. This be our first

meeting. Should not be wonderful, romantic moment? Yeah. Sorry lady there's no time. Hey, what

are you doing? You know, you should sweep me out of my feet. Out through the window and down

the rope by to your valued steed. You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? Uh-um. But we

have to sing through this moment. You can residing of a poem to me. A ballad, a sonnet, a libretti.

Or something. I don't think so. Well, can I at least know a name of my champion? Shrek. So, Shrek.

I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. Thanks. -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's

not my job to do this. Now, come on! But this isn't right. ??? That's what all the other knights did.

Yeah. Right before they burst in the flame. That's not the point. Wait. Where are you going? Exit is

over there. Well, I have to save my ass. What kind of knight are you? One of a kind. ...rush into a

physical relationship. I'm not that emotionally ready for commitment of a this magnitude. That was

the word I was looking for. Magnitude. Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you

doing? Ok, ok, let's just back up a little and take this one step at the time. I mean, we really should

get to know each other first, you know what am I saying. As friends, maybe even as ??? Hey don't

do that. That's my tail. That's ma personal tail. And you're going to tear it off.... Oh, no. No! -It

talks?! -Yeah. It's getting to shut up, that's a trick. Ok, you two. Head for the exit. I'll take care of the

dragon. Ruuuuun! You did it. You rescued me. Amizing, you're wonderful. You're a ... ...a little

unorthodox I admit, but by deed is great and by heart is pure. I'm entirely in your debt. And where

would a brave knight be without his noble steed. I hope you heard that. She called me a noble

steed. She thinks I'm a steed. The battle is won. You may remove your helmet good sir knight. -Aah,

no. -Why not? I have helmet hair. Please. I wouldst look upon the face of my rescuer. Oh, no, you

wouldn't, dust. But, how will you kiss me? What? That wasn't in a job description. -Maybe it's a

perk? -No. It's destiny. You must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and besieged by a

dragon is rescued by a brave knight. And then they share true love's first kiss. With Shrek? You

think, wait... ...you think Shrek is your true love? Well, yes. You think that Shrek is your true love.

What is so funny? Let's just say, I'm not your type, ok? Of course you are. You're my rescuer. Now,

now remove your helmet. Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -I'm

not going to. -Take it off! -No! -Now! -Ok, easy. As you command your highness. You're an Ogre.

Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. Well, yes, actually. Oh no. This is all wrong. You're not

supposed to be an Ogre. Princess, I was sent to rescue you by lord Farquaad, ok? He's the one,

who wants to marry you. Well, then why didn't he come to rescue me? Good question. You should

ask him that, when we get there. But I have to be rescued by my true love. Not by some Ogre and

his pet. Well so much for noble steed. Look princess. You're not making my job any easier. Well I'm

sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me

properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. Hey, I'm no ones messenger boy, all right? -I'm a delivery

boy. -You wouldn't dare. -You coming donkey? -Put me down! Yeah, I'm right behind you. Put me

down or you will suffer the consequences. This is not dignified. Put me down. Ok, here's another

question. Let's say that a woman 'digged' you, but you don't really like her, that way. Now, how you

[eating-the-inedible]

Here's something someone put in the "anything else" box

Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by Love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. Like that's ever going to happen. What a loony. Shrek Beware Stay out I think he's in here. All right. Lets get it! Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? Yeah. He'll groan into your bones for his brains. Well actually that would be a giant. Now Ogres, huh, they are much worse. They'll make a soup from your freshly peeled skin. They'll chew your livers, squeeze the jelly from your eyes. Actually, it's quite good on toast. Back, back beast, back! I warned you! Right. This is the part, where you run away. Yeah! And stay out. Wanted. Fairytale creatures. Right, this one is full. Take it away. Give me that. Your fine days are over. -25 pieces of silver for the witch. Next. -Come on. Sit down there! And be quiet! This cage is so small. You wouldn't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please, give me another chance. Oh, shut up! Next. What do we got? This little wooden puppet. I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy. Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. No! Please, don't let them do it! Next. What do you got? Well, I've got a talking donkey! Right. Well that's good for ten schillings, if you can prove it. Oh, go ahead fella. Well? He's just a li..., just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. You boneheaded donkey! That's it. I have heard enough. Guards! No, no, he talks, he does! I can talk. I love to talk. I've talked to... Get her out of my sight! -No, no, I swear! Hey, I can fly. -He can fly! -He can fly! He can talk! -That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey! You might have seen house fly, maybe even a superfly. But I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Seize him! Get him! This way! Hurry! You there. Ogre. -I. By the order of lord Farquaad. I am authorized to place you both under arrest. And transport you to designated resettlement facility. Oh really? You and what army? Can I say something to you? Listen, you were really, really something, back there. Incredible. Are you talking to... ...me? Yes, I was talking to you. Can I just tell you that you were really great back there with those guards. They thought that was all over there. And then you showed up and BAM. There was tripping on over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. Oh, that's great. Really. Man, it's good to be free. Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? But I... I don't have any friends. And I'm not going out there by myself. Hey wait a minute. I have a great idea... I'll stick with you. You and me in green fighting machine. Together we'll scare the spin if anybody crosses us. Oh, a, that was really scary. Maybe you don't mine me saying. If that don't work, your breath will certainly do the job done, 'cause... you definitively need some tic-tac or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man you've ??? my note! Just like the time... ...and then I ate some rotten berries. Man I had some strong gases leaking out of my but that day. Why are you following me? I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone, there is no one here, beside me. My problems have all gone. There's no one to derive me. But you got to have free ... -Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder, you don't have any friends. Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest. Listen! Little donkey. Take a look at me! What am I? A... ...really tall? No! I'm an Ogre. You know, grab your torch and pitchforks. Doesn't that bother you? Nope. Really? -Really really. Oh? Man, I like you. What's your name? A..., Shrek. Shrek?! But do you know, what I like about you, Shrek?

[pjunicornart]

I got bored so I filled out a HuniePop 2 data sheet for my favorite MtR poly ship.

Yes. There are more. But for now, Neil. Below the image, I wrote out what I thought the dialogue would be after you ask him. (Including the baggage + its effects!)

Drink: "Just plain old water is fine for me. Other stuff doesn't really sit right in my stomach." Ice Cream Flavor: "Aw man, you're gonna make me choose? I love ice cream! I guess if I had to pick one I liked the most... Chocolate!" Music Genre: "Pretty much anything with loud guitars and drums. So, I'll just say rock." Movie Genre: "Call me a nerd all you want, but I love learning new things about random subjects from documentaries." Online Activity: "Eh... I don't really do much online. If I am online, I'm usually watching videos before I go to bed." Phone App: "The music player is enough for me. It plays my music to help keep me focused on my work, so it gets the job done." Type of Exercise: "I started going on night jogs a couple of months ago. It's really refreshing running through the cold night air." Outdoor Activity: "I sit on my butt and lounge in garden. I was never an outdoors-y type person..." Theme Park Ride: "I'm too much of a wuss to go on most of the rides... If my family is at a theme park, you'll find me in the lazy river." Friday Night: "I'm usually so pooped out by the end of my work week that I just flop right into bed and proceed to sleep for ten hours..." Sunday Morning: "Weekend mornings are when I get cozy and catch up on my shows." Weather: "I like the rain. It's very calming." Holiday: "Oh, um... I don't really like the holidays. Too many negative memories associated with them..." Pet: "Dogs! We have one right now! He's the only dog in the park without contacts, ha ha!" School Subject: "How the hell are you even asking me that?! Science! Duh!" Place to Shop: "When I was younger, I'd spend my free time in the school library to escape my bullies. I could spend hours in a cozy bookstore now." Trait in Partner: "I'm really happy I found someone who loves me, and accepts me for who I am. Flaws and all..." Own Body Part: "Who thinks about that kinda stuff? Besides... there's nothing special about my body anyway." Sex Position: "...um... Don't judge, but I like doggy style. But, uh... I like to, y'know... be on the bottom..." Porn Category: "Oh. Wow, okay. That is certainly a question... Well, I've never seen anything crazy... so normal? Wait, isn't that just called vanilla? Vanilla. Final answer."

Baggage Neil: "Hey... just wondering. Do you plan on sticking around?" YN: "Maybe. Why do you ask?" Neil: "I don't know... I guess I'm just making sure I don't get hurt. You know, I wasn't adopted until I was twelve. Even after all these years, I still feel like one day, they're gonna leave me. I know that couldn't be farther from the truth, believe me! But sometimes, when I'm away on business trips, I feel... alone. I don't wanna be abandoned again..." Abandonment Issues - Cornelius will drain 5% of the Total Affection goal every time you switch your focus away from him.

Neil: "Sorry if this is a little personal... but how many people have you, uh... well, y'know... How many people did you do it with?" YN: "I don't really keep track of that sort of thing... but believe me, I've been around." Neil: "Wow... I don't think I could EVER do that! Ha ha! Maybe I'm just a sap, but it takes me a while to let somebody see that side of me. Hey! No problem if that's what you wanna do! I just like to take things a little slower." Old Fashioned - For the first 15 moves of the date, Sexuality Token matches directed at Cornelius will cause him to become upset.

Neil: "I just got wind that one of the inventions we've been working on in the lab failed on them... AGAIN. Ugh, that thing has given us nothing but trouble, I swear..." YN: "Why don't you try working on something else?" Neil: "Uh uh! Don't start with me with that talk! I ain't gonna hear it. I didn't get to where I am now by giving up! I WILL make this invention work. I just have to find another solution." Stubborn - Cornelius will refuse to accept any date gifts until he has at least 40% Passion.

HUNIEPOP AND MEET THE ROBINSONS ARE MY COMFORT THINGS, OKAY?! DON'T JUDGE ME.

Franny... Michael... Lizzy...

[fangfuckingtastic]

Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by Love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. Like that's ever going to happen. What a loony. Shrek Beware Stay out I think he's in here. All right. Lets get it! Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? Yeah. He'll groan into your bones for his brains. Well actually that would be a giant. Now Ogres, huh, they are much worse. They'll make a soup from your freshly peeled skin. They'll chew your livers, squeeze the jelly from your eyes. Actually, it's quite good on toast. Back, back beast, back! I warned you! Right. This is the part, where you run away. Yeah! And stay out. Wanted. Fairytale creatures. Right, this one is full. Take it away. Give me that. Your fine days are over. -25 pieces of silver for the witch. Next. -Come on. Sit down there! And be quiet! This cage is so small. You wouldn't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please, give me another chance. Oh, shut up! Next. What do we got? This little wooden puppet. I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy. Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. No! Please, don't let them do it! Next. What do you got? Well, I've got a talking donkey! Right. Well that's good for ten schillings, if you can prove it. Oh, go ahead fella. Well? He's just a li..., just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. You boneheaded donkey! That's it. I have heard enough. Guards! No, no, he talks, he does! I can talk. I love to talk. I've talked to... Get her out of my sight! -No, no, I swear! Hey, I can fly. -He can fly! -He can fly! He can talk! -That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey! You might have seen house fly, maybe even a superfly. But I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Seize him! Get him! This way! Hurry! You there. Ogre. -I. By the order of lord Farquaad. I am authorized to place you both under arrest. And transport you to designated resettlement facility. Oh really? You and what army? Can I say something to you? Listen, you were really, really something, back there. Incredible. Are you talking to... ...me? Yes, I was talking to you. Can I just tell you that you were really great back there with those guards. They thought that was all over there. And then you showed up and BAM. There was tripping on over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. Oh, that's great. Really. Man, it's good to be free. Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? But I... I don't have any friends. And I'm not going out there by myself. Hey wait a minute. I have a great idea... I'll stick with you. You and me in green fighting machine. Together we'll scare the spin if anybody crosses us. Oh, a, that was really scary. Maybe you don't mine me saying. If that don't work, your breath will certainly do the job done, 'cause... you definitively need some tic-tac or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man you've ??? my note! Just like the time... ...and then I ate some rotten berries. Man I had some strong gases leaking out of my but that day. Why are you following me? I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone, there is no one here, beside me. My problems have all gone. There's no one to derive me. But you got to have free ... -Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder, you don't have any friends. Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest. Listen! Little donkey. Take a look at me! What am I? A... ...really tall? No! I'm an Ogre. You know, grab your torch and pitchforks. Doesn't that bother you? Nope. Really? -Really really. Oh? Man, I like you. What's your name? A..., Shrek. Shrek?! But do you know, what I like about you, Shrek? You've got that kind of: "I don't care what nobody thinks of me" thing. I like that

i'm too high for this rn

[ofpineapplesanddawns]

Maybe 23 with Aro and Peter, please?

Prompt 23: "you saved my life." "not a big d-" "no.you saved it."

I'm gonna go with my hunter au for this, the one where Peter is actually really good at being a hunter and Aro hires him for it.

Warning: injuries, venom-blood, blood, me taking that huge ass fight from the last movie and making it a reality cause fuck that 'it was a vision' thing, I want to see carnage!

On with the fic!

--

This was not one of Aro's better ideas, he could admit to that. Well, only to himself, he'd rather die than speak it aloud, and considering the situation he was in, there was a chance that the former would happen rather than the latter.

He was caught in the grip of those two vampires that just had to ruin everything. Really, he should have killed Bella when he had the chance, his fascination with her lack of response to any vampire gift had died the moment he met Peter, there was no real reason for her to even still be around. Damnit, he was really going to die with more regrets now, wasn't he?

He could feel nails in his skin, the burn of venom leaking from the small wounds as one of them tried to remove his head-

"Get off of him!"

Wait, was that-?!

Edward was suddenly shoved away, and that knocked Bella off. Aro dropped to his back, looking up, seeing his hunter standing there, looking a bit roughed up, blood leaking from a few scratches and scraps. Was he even developing a black eye? He was panting, in his hands a stake and a knife, both dripping with venom.

The shocking thing about Peter, more than him being here after his very loud and angry protests of this meeting being dangerous to everyone, was just how furious he looked. Aro had never seen him so angry before.

"If you know what's good for you," Peter snarled, "for your fuckin' families...! You will back the fuck off of him!"

"Did you not see what he-?" Bella started but Peter only flung the knife, just missing her foot but an inch, it went into the ground deep, Aro wondered how painful that would have been if it had hit her. She was still a new vampire, easier to kill, even if she was stronger at this stage.

"Oh yeah, I saw what the idiot had done, but let's be honest, both sides of this stupid fight were just itchin' to start decapitating each other. And if it wasn't him, it certainly was gonna be one of you doin' it!"

The young couple looked offended, conflicted, and just a bit guilty. There is blood on their hands just as there is on Aro's own from this fight. Hell, the smell of death was all around them, bodies slaughtered and burning, cries of pain and anguish everywhere, no one was winning today.

"Great way to introduce your kid to this world, guys, brilliant job." Peter scoffed.

"What does a human like you even know?" Edward asked, glowering.

"I know enough. And this 'human' isn't exactly easy to take down, your wife ain't the only one who can't be affected by powers here, she's not special." The hunter sniffed, pocketing his stake. "Let's go, Aro, before shit gets worse."

Aro frowned, looking at Peter as he rubbed at his neck, the tears were healed, though there might be scars. "You saved my life."

"Not a big d-"

"No. You saved it." Aro said, getting to his feet. "I... right, let's get going, before we lose more people."

Peter stared at him for a moment, was he aware? Had he seen any terror on Aro's face, at the very thought that he life was nearly snuffed out like a candle's flame if he hadn't arrived in that moment?

Aro would have to speak with him about it later, right now, they needed to go, before the young couple decided to continue what they started.

--

In case you're wondering, Peter was putting on a front, he was fucking downright terrified of being the only human in the middle of that huge battle and only just getting to Aro at the last second. It wasn't exactly easy avoiding all the fighting, he'll have a nice shower and a panic attack later when everything calms down.

Not sure if this event is gonna be canon to the au, but it might.

[xamassed]

⟬ @kismetkiss ⟭

Satan was honestly pretty excited after a new book he recently bought. It took time to save up from part time jobs, but eventually he was finally able to afford it despite the high price. A book from one of his favorite detective series. It was honestly all he could talk about for months now, so much so he was sure everyone was tired of hearing about it.

However, when he arrived back in his room... The book was nowhere to be seen. His room was messy, yes but he remembered leaving it specifically on his bed for when he returned.

How could it vanish....? He looked around for about half an hour before eventually coming to the conclusion that maybe it was stolen.

That book costed him a fortune so there was only one scumbag he knew who'd do something like this.

Little did Mammon know that Satan was someone who went to great lengths to get revenge on someone.

So the next time he spotted Mammon, he'd clear his throat to get his older brother's attention.

Then holding up a familiar good credit card, and a pair of scissors. All while he smiled.

"It'll start with the card, and then your car and all your other most prized possessions. You should know what I want, Mammon. Give it back." Next time he'll certainly work on putting a curse for annoying brothers to not be able to enter his room without asking first.

"Though, if you end up saying you already sold it then you know what'll happen, right?"

He was frantic, panicked, absolutely desperate. Like his younger brother, he was on a mad search for something he had lost, namely his beloved credit card. Although, he would swear to the deepest layer of the Devildom that she had been sleeping pretty in his wallet that afternoon.

"Where'd ya go, sweetheart?! Is this 'cause I said I'd use ya t'day, and I didn't? I swear, I was gonna! Ya can't stay mad at me forever!" He whined and griped, tossing every room in the House of Lamentation until — there she was, in his brother's hand.

His precious! His most valuable treasure!

And a pair of scissors, sharp edges poised precariously beside the slip of embossed plastic. Whatever excitement Mammon had felt upon seeing her dropped dramatically, glee turning to dread so fast it nearly punched a hole in his gut.

"Hey, Satan! How the hell did ya get your grubby little hands on Goldie? Give 'er back!" He growled his demand, but the ferocity behind it gradually waned as Satan spoke over him.

His card, his car and other prized possessions. That meant the rings he always wore, the wardrobe he spent years curating, the consoles he had pinched and his familiars.

He wouldn't dare. Surely, he would understand that his crows meant as much to him as cats did for the Avatar of Wrath. No one with a single functioning braincell would dare to hurt his murder.

"I don't know what you're talkin' about! Sold what?! I ain't touched anythin' of anyone's today, but it ain't like you'll believe me! No one ever freakin' does. How 'bout instead's blamin' me right away, ya go an accuse someone else?"

Then he remembered that Goldie was his hostage, and that he needed to cooperate in order to ensure that she made it out of this situation whole. Hands up, empty and meant to prove he was vulnerable. He wasn't, but he had to do what he could to convince his extremely peeved brother that he wasn't to blame.

"Look, okay. You're mad, and I get it. It sounds t'me like someone snagged somethin' of yours, and ya want it back. Cool. Totally cool. How about I help ya out? I find out who took it, and ya give me Goldie back?"

[the-firebird69]

So Trump used some stupid stuff in order to shoot his own son and appears that he's doing that and that he is fiercely mentally ill and her son is saying he didn't get to work for one reason or the other and the girl just said it's not working you can't identify why and it's probably Trump masking other people doing stuff but not letting it work because he's some sort of wind and he's Mrs latest so there is a line that's Orange it goes up the front of the concrete Pole and it's not supposed to by the way and you're not supposed to attach things to the power line equipment in the do get upset about it the other stuff is very close to the power line and it's attached the same box and it leads to the fact that the line itself might be fouled somehow and it happens it gets hit by lightning and it kind of ruins the cable it's copper and they have to replace a lot of them in the did it wrong went outside it says the connection works it's not the greatest but it does work and it should work enough about 80% usually at 50% it still works so the computer is the issue and the two don't know how to fix it they've run a few things and they're going to try and get help to fix it and our son says he can't get online and the dumb thing wants him to call for a new password which they supposedly put in and it's really frustrating A lot of people that it doesn't work and his own father is doing the stupid s*** so people are getting mad at them and really to no end it is every day and constant that they do this usually on purpose and in this case Trump is doing it on purpose and he's an a****** and it usually takes our son two or three months to get the stupid Wi-Fi working because these pricks in his way and in his face every damn day it's these lunatics messing around with him and we're getting sick of it and he's sick of it we don't want to listen to it anymore and we certainly don't want to put up with it anymore but it seems that that's the way it's going so we're sitting here watching this unfold and it's a daily occurrence and we are actually very sick of it and yeah it's been 11 minutes on the second try and it probably won't hook it probably won't work but we do understand that they also mess with that kind of thing and give people impatience for waiting for it to hook up sometimes it takes up to 20 minutes no it's usually about 5 minutes and it should be done sometimes they do that so what it looks like is somebody here put that line in and they did it to say that someone before them did it and it's Mickey mouse it doesn't look like it's Mickey mouse yet but it does look like some sort of weird disaster where he apparently appears to be tying in illegally to Florida power and light electricity and Stan said we don't want that stuff here you're going to cause a fire and he said it's not my fault I have to do it and stuff like that you won't let me use the address said the plugs right over there and yes I don't feel like stealing no he feels like stealing power and he doesn't feel like paying for it and people are going to come down on him he's advertising that everybody's doing it so this is what the guy gets as payment for messing around with our son and we are concluding here that it is not going to turn on using the Old wire and the guy apparently the guy did a decent job but his Garth says should have run a new line like he did because otherwise it won't work and it's not working right so he's going to put it back over and probably try again and it probably won't work he says and it probably won't and we're back to square one with a stupid cable which takes months to get going anywhere it goes these assholes are on it

Thor Freya

I don't care what your excuses you're messing with me so I'm messing with you and you ain't going to make it both of you are going to die and you know you're going to die

Zues Hera

Olympus

[isopodonanescalator]

Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful

sort, which could only be broken by Love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a

terrible fire breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful

prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower

for her true love and true love's first kiss. Like that's ever going to happen. What a loony. Shrek

Beware Stay out I think he's in here. All right. Lets get it! Hold on. Do you know what that thing can

do to you? Yeah. He'll groan into your bones for his brains. Well actually that would be a giant. Now

Ogres, huh, they are much worse. They'll make a soup from your freshly peeled skin. They'll chew

your livers, squeeze the jelly from your eyes. Actually, it's quite good on toast. Back, back beast,

back! I warned you! Right. This is the part, where you run away. Yeah! And stay out. Wanted.

Fairytale creatures. Right, this one is full. Take it away. Give me that. Your fine days are over. -25

pieces of silver for the witch. Next. -Come on. Sit down there! And be quiet! This cage is so small.

You wouldn't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please, give me another chance.

Oh, shut up! Next. What do we got? This little wooden puppet. I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy. Five

shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. No! Please, don't let them do it! Next. What do you

got? Well, I've got a talking donkey! Right. Well that's good for ten schillings, if you can prove it. Oh,

go ahead fella. Well? He's just a li..., just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. You

boneheaded donkey! That's it. I have heard enough. Guards! No, no, he talks, he does! I can talk. I

love to talk. I've talked to... Get her out of my sight! -No, no, I swear! Hey, I can fly. -He can fly! -He

can fly! He can talk! -That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey! You might have seen house

fly, maybe even a superfly. But I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Seize him! Get him! This way!

Hurry! You there. Ogre. -I. By the order of lord Farquaad. I am authorized to place you both under

arrest. And transport you to designated resettlement facility. Oh really? You and what army? Can I

say something to you? Listen, you were really, really something, back there. Incredible. Are you

talking to... ...me? Yes, I was talking to you. Can I just tell you that you were really great back there

with those guards. They thought that was all over there. And then you showed up and BAM. There

was tripping on over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.

Oh, that's great. Really. Man, it's good to be free. Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom

with your own friends? But I... I don't have any friends. And I'm not going out there by myself. Hey

wait a minute. I have a great idea... I'll stick with you. You and me in green fighting machine.

Together we'll scare the spin if anybody crosses us. Oh, a, that was really scary. Maybe you don't

mine me saying. If that don't work, your breath will certainly do the job done, 'cause... you

definitively need some tic-tac or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man you've ??? my note!

Just like the time... ...and then I ate some rotten berries. Man I had some strong gases leaking out of

my but that day. Why are you following me? I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone, there is no one

here, beside me. My problems have all gone. There's no one to derive me. But you got to have

free ... -Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder, you don't have any friends. Wow! Only a true friend

would be that truly honest. Listen! Little donkey. Take a look at me! What am I? A... ...really tall? No!

I'm an Ogre. You know, grab your torch and pitchforks. Doesn't that bother you? Nope. Really?

-Really really. Oh? Man, I like you. What's your name? A..., Shrek. Shrek?! But do you know, what I

like about you, Shrek? You've got that kind of: "I don't care what nobody thinks of me" thing. I like

that, I respect that, Shrek. You're all right. Uh, look at that. Who would wanna live in a place like

that? That would be my home. Oh, it is lovely. Just beautiful. You know you're quite a decorator. It's

amazing what you did with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess,

you don't entertain much, do you? I like my privacy. You know I do to. That's another thing, we have

in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You try to give them a hint and they

won't leave. And then there's that big occurred silence, you know? Can I stay with you? -What? Can

I stay with you, please. Of course! -Really? No. -Please! I don't want to go back there. You don't

how is like to be concerned like a freak. Well..., maybe you do. But that's why we have to stick

together! You got to let me stay! Please! Please! OK, OK. -But one night only. -Huh, thank you! A,

what are you do... No! This is going to be fun. We can stay up late, swap the manly stories. And in

the morning... I'm making waffles. Where do I sleep? Outside! Oh, a, I guess that's cool. You know, I

don't know you and you don't know me... ... so I guess, outside is best for me. Here I go. Good

night. I do like that half door. I'm a donkey all alone outside. Sit by myself outside, I guess. I'm all

alone, there's no one here beside me. -I thought, I told you to stay outside. -I am outside. Well

James. This is far from the farm, but what choice do we have? It's not... What a lovely bed. -Got

you! I found some cheese. Awful stuff. -Is that you Gordon? -How did you know? Enough! What are

you doing in my house? Oh, no, no, no... Death prods off the table! Where would we supposed to

put her. The bed's taken. What? I live in a swamp. I've put up signs. I'm a terrifying Ogre! What do I

have to do, to get a little privacy? Oh, no! No, no! What are you doing in my swamp? All right, get

out of here. All of you. Move it! Come on, let's go. And hurry up, hurry up. No, no, not there. Not

there! Hey don't look at me. I didn't invite them. Oh gosh, no one invited us. -What? We were forced

to come here. -By who? Lord Farquaad. He ??? All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?

Oh I do. I know where he is. Does anyone else know where to find him? -Anyone at all? -Me.

-Anyone? Oh pick me, I know! Me, me. Ok, fine. Attention all fairy tale things! Do not get

comfortable. Your welcome is officially warned up. In fact. I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right

now and get all off my land and back where you came from. You. You're coming with me. All right.

That's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stubborn friends off on a world and big city

adventure. I love it. I'm on road again. Sing with me Shrek! I'm on road again... What did I say about

singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Well, can I hummer? -All right. That's enough. He's ready to talk.

Run, run, run as fast as you can, you can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man. You monster. I'm not

a monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairytale trash, poisoning my perfect world. -Now

tell me! Where are the others? -Eat me. I've tried to be fair to you, creatures. Now my patience has

reached its end! -Tell me! Or I'll... -No, no, not the buttons. Not gumdrop buttons. All right! Who's

hiding them? Ok, I'll tell you. -Do you know the muffin-man? -The muffin-man? -The muffin-man.

-Yes, I know the muffin-man. Who lives on Proully lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin-man.

-The muffin-man! -The muffin-man! -She's married to the muffin-man. My lord! We found it. Well

then, what are you waiting for? Bring it in. Magic mirror. Don't tell him anything! Evening. Mirror,

mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? Well, technically, you're not a

king. A..., felonious. -You were saying. -What I mean is a... ...you're not a king, yet. But you can

become one. All you have to do, is marry a princess. Go on. So, just sit back and relax my lord,

because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are. Bachelorette

number one is a mentally abused shading from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and

hottubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for two evil sisters. Please

welcome... Cinderella. Bachelorette number two is a kemp wearing girl from a land of fantasy.

Although she lives with seven other man, she is not easy. Just kiss hers dead frozen lips and find

out what a live wife she is. Come on. Give it up for... Show-white. And last but certainly not least.

Bachelorette number three is a fire-breathing ????, dragon guarded castle, surrounded by a hot

boiling lava. But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes Pina Coladas and getting

cut in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona. So will it be, bachelorette number one?

Bachelorette number two? Or bachelorette number three? -Two... -Three! -Two! One. No, no, no.

Three. Pick number three my lord. Ok, ok. Number three. Lord Farquaad. You've chosen... princess

Fiona. She's nice. Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone... But I probably should

mention little thing that happens at night... -I'll do it! -Yes, but after sunset... Silence! I will make this

princess Fiona my queen. And Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain! Assemble your finest

man. We're going to have a tournament! That's it, that's, right there, that's Duloc. I've told you I'll

find it. So. That must be lord Farquaad's castle. Aha, that's the place. Do you think maybe he's

compensating for something. Hey, hey wait up Shrek! -Hey, you! -No, no! Wait a second. Look, I'm

not gonna eat you. I just... It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? Hey look at this. Wow! -Let's

do that again. -No. no. All right. You're going the right way for smack bottom. Sorry about that. That

champion should have the honor, no, no... ...the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely princess

Fiona from the fireing keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first

runner up will take his place. And so on, and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I'm

willing to make. Applause. Let the tournament begin. What is that? Ugh, it's hideous. Oh, that's not

very nice. It's just a donkey. Indeed. Knights! New plan. The one, who kills the Ogre, will be named

champion. How about him. Oh, hey. Now, come on. Can't we just settle this over a pint? No? All

right then. Come on. Hey Shrek! Let me, let me! The chair! Give him the chair! Thank you. Thank

you, very much. I'm here until Thursday. Try the wheel! Shall I give the order sir? No. I have a better

idea. People of Duloc. I give you our champion! What? Congratulation, Ogre. You've won the honor

of embarking on a great and noble quest. Quest? I'm already on a quest. A quest to get my swamp

back! -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairytale creatures. Indeed. All

right Ogre, I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me and I'll give you your swamp back. Exactly

the way it was? Down to the last slime covered toast tool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone.

What kind of quest? Ok, let me get this straight! We gonna go find the dragon and rescue a princess

just so Farquaad will give you back the swamp, which you only don't have, 'cause he filled it with

full of freaks on the first place. -Is that about right? -You know what? Maybe there is a good reason,

donkeys shouldn't talk. I don't get it Shrek. Why didn't you just pull some old Ogre stuff on them?

You know, ??? . Grab his bones to make you brave. You know the whole Ogre trick. Oh, you know

what. Maybe I could have decapitated entire village and put their heads on plate. Got a knife, cut

open their spleens and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? A, no, not really, no. For

your information, there is a lot more to Ogres than people think. -Example. -Example? OK, A-a-m,

Ogres are like onions. -They stink? -Yes, no. -O, they make you cry. -No. Oh, you leave them out on

the sun and they get all brown and start ??? little wild hairs? No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres

have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. O, you both have layers. You

know not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes. Cakes have layers. I don't care

what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. You know what else everyone likes? Paffe. Have you

ever met a person and you say: "Hey, let's get some paffe" and they say I don't like paffe. Paffe is

delicious. No! You tensed, irritating, miniature peace of barden. Ogres are like onions. End of story.

Bye, bye. See you lather. Paffe is maybe the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. You

know I think I've preferred your humming. Do you have a tissue or something, 'cause I'm making a

mess. Just the word paffe has made me start slimying Why, Shrek, did you do that? Man you got to

warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was opened and everything. Believe me

donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. It's brimstone. We must be getting close. Yeah, right,

brimstone. Don't be talking ??? brimstone. I know what I smell and ??? no brimstone. And they

don't come of stone neither. Sure it's big enough, but look at the location. Oh, Shrek, remember

when you said that Ogres have layers? Oh, yeah. Well, I have a confession to make. Donkeys don't

have layers. We wear ??? sleeves. Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I

mean. -Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of highs. No, I'm just a little uncomfortable of being on a

rickety bridge over boiling lake of lava! Come on donkey, I'm right here beside you. Ok? For

emotional support. We'll just hackle this thing together one little baby step after time. -Really?

-Really really. Ok. That makes me feel so much better. Just keep moving and don't look down.

Don't look down, don't look down. Shrek! I'm looking down! I can't do this. Just let me off right now,

please. -But you're already half way. -Yeah, but I know that half is safe. Ok, fine. I don't have time

for this. You go back. Shrek, no, wait. Don't do that! Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh. This? -Yes, that!

Yes, yes. Do it. OK. -No, Shrek! -I'm doing it. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die.

That will do Donkey, that will do. Cool. So where is this fire breathing pain in the neck anyway?

Inside. Waiting for us to rescue her. I was talking about the dragon Shrek. -Are you afraid? -No, but

shhhhh. Oh, good. Me neither. Because there's nothing wrong with being afraid. Here's a...,

something responsible of the situation. Not to mention dangerous situation. And there's dragon that

breathes fire. I'm sure he's meaner than a cow or anything, but they're scare. You know what I

mean. I'm sure he's heavier than a cow... Donkey. Two things. Ok? Shut, up. Now go over there and

see if you can find any stairs. Stairs? I thought we were looking for the princess. The princess will be

up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. What makes you think she'll be there? I read it

in a book once. Cool. You handle the dragon, I'll handle the stairs. Oh, I'll find those stairs. I'll ???.

That's right. Those stairs won't know which way they go. The drafting stairs, ??? Don't mess with

me. I'm the stair master. I'm master of the stairs. I wish I had a stair right here right here now, I'd

step all over it. Well, at least we know where the princess is. -But where is the... -Dragon! Donkey,

look out! Got you. Oh, what large teeth you have. I mean, white sparkling teeth. You probably hear

this all the time from your food, but you must bleach yourself, because that is one dashing smile you

got there. And do I detect the hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're a girl

dragon. Oh, sure. I mean 'course you're a girl dragon, 'cause you're just ricking the feminine beauty

out. What's the matter with you? Do you have something in your eye? Man, I'd really love to stay,

but you know I'm a asthmatic and I don't know if we would worked out. You'd be blowing smoke

and stuff. Shrek! No, Shrek! Shrek! -Wake up! -What? Are you princess Fiona? I am. Awaiting a

knight so bold as to rescue me. Oh, that's nice. Now let's go. But wait, sir knight. This be our first

meeting. Should not be wonderful, romantic moment? Yeah. Sorry lady there's no time. Hey, what

are you doing? You know, you should sweep me out of my feet. Out through the window and down

the rope by to your valued steed. You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? Uh-um. But we

have to sing through this moment. You can residing of a poem to me. A ballad, a sonnet, a libretti.

Or something. I don't think so. Well, can I at least know a name of my champion? Shrek. So, Shrek.

I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. Thanks. -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's

not my job to do this. Now, come on! But this isn't right. ??? That's what all the other knights did.

Yeah. Right before they burst in the flame. That's not the point. Wait. Where are you going? Exit is

over there. Well, I have to save my ass. What kind of knight are you? One of a kind. ...rush into a

physical relationship. I'm not that emotionally ready for commitment of a this magnitude. That was

the word I was looking for. Magnitude. Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you

doing? Ok, ok, let's just back up a little and take this one step at the time. I mean, we really should

get to know each other first, you know what am I saying. As friends, maybe even as ??? Hey don't

do that. That's my tail. That's ma personal tail. And you're going to tear it off.... Oh, no. No! -It

talks?! -Yeah. It's getting to shut up, that's a trick. Ok, you two. Head for the exit. I'll take care of the

dragon. Ruuuuun! You did it. You rescued me. Amizing, you're wonderful. You're a ... ...a little

unorthodox I admit, but by deed is great and by heart is pure. I'm entirely in your debt. And where

would a brave knight be without his noble steed. I hope you heard that. She called me a noble

steed. She thinks I'm a steed. The battle is won. You may remove your helmet good sir knight. -Aah,

no. -Why not? I have helmet hair. Please. I wouldst look upon the face of my rescuer. Oh, no, you

wouldn't, dust. But, how will you kiss me? What? That wasn't in a job description. -Maybe it's a

perk? -No. It's destiny. You must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and besieged by a

dragon is rescued by a brave knight. And then they share true love's first kiss. With Shrek? You

think, wait... ...you think Shrek is your true love? Well, yes. You think that Shrek is your true love.

What is so funny? Let's just say, I'm not your type, ok? Of course you are. You're my rescuer. Now,

now remove your helmet. Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -I'm

not going to. -Take it off! -No! -Now! -Ok, easy. As you command your highness. You're an Ogre.

Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. Well, yes, actually. Oh no. This is all wrong. You're not

supposed to be an Ogre. Princess, I was sent to rescue you by lord Farquaad, ok? He's the one,

who wants to marry you. Well, then why didn't he come to rescue me? Good question. You should

ask him that, when we get there. But I have to be rescued by my true love. Not by some Ogre and

his pet. Well so much for noble steed. Look princess. You're not making my job any easier. Well I'm

sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me

properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. Hey, I'm no ones messenger boy, all right? -I'm a delivery

boy. -You wouldn't dare. -You coming donkey? -Put me down! Yeah, I'm right behind you. Put me

down or you will suffer the consequences. This is not dignified. Put me down. Ok, here's another

question. Let's say that a woman 'digged' you, but you don't really like her, that way. Now, how you

let her down real easy, so her feelings aren't hurt? But you don't get burned to a crisp neither. How

do you do this? Just tell her, she's not your true love. Everyone knows it what happens when you

find... Hey! The sooner we get to Duloc, the better. Oh, yeah. You gonna love it there princess. It's

beautiful. And what of my groom to be, lord Farquaad. What's he like? Well, let me put it this way,

princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. Oh no, Shrek. There are those who think

little of him. Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You know, you're just jealous that you can never measure

up to a great ruler like lord Farquaad. Yeah. Well maybe you're right princess. But I'd like you do

that measuring when you see him tomorrow Tomorrow? It will take that long? -Shouldn't we stop to

make camp? -No. That would take longer. We can keep going. But there are robbers in the woods.

Whoa, time out Shrek. Camp is definitely something that sounds good. Hey. Come on. I'm scarier

than anything we're gonna see in this forest. I need to find somewhere to camp, now! Hey, over

here. Shrek, we can do better than that. Now, I don't think this is decent for princess. No, no, it's

perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. Homey touches? Like what? A door. Well, gentleman I'll

be d..., good night. Do you want me to come in and read you a bedtime story, 'cause I will... I said

good night! Shrek! What are you doing? I just..., you know... Oh, come on, I was just kidding. And

that one, that's Throwback. The only Ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. Hey, can

you tell my future form these stars? Well, the stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories.

Look. There's Blodna, the "Flatulent" You can guess what he is famous for. All right. Now I know

you're making this up. No. Look. There he is and there's the group of hunters running away from his

stag. Man, there ain't nothing, but a bunch of little dots. You know donkey, sometimes things are

more than they appear. Forget it. Hey Shrek. What are you gonna do when we get our swamp back,

anyway? -Our swamp? -You know. When we're through rescuing the princess and all that stuff.

We? Donkey, there is no we. There's no our. There's just me and my swamp. And the first thing I'm

gonna do, is build a ten foot wall around my land. You cut me deep Shrek, you cut me real deep just

now. You know, what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. No,

do you think? -Are you hiding something? -Never mind Donkey. Oh, this is another one of those

onion things, isn't it? No. This is one of those drop it and leave it alone things. -Why don't you want

to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Oh, Why you block? -I'm not blocking. -Oh yes

you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who are you trying to keep out? Just tell me that Shrek. Who?

Everyone, ok? -Oh, now we're getting somewhere. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. Hey, what's your

problem Shrek? What do you got against the whole world anyway? Look. I'm not the one with the

problem, ok? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and

go: AAA... Help! Run! A big stupid ugly Ogre. They judge me, before they even know me. That's why

I'm better off alone. You know what? When we met, I didn't think you're just a big stupid, ugly Ogre.

Yeah, I know. So, a... Are there any donkeys up there? Well, there's a Cabby. The small and

annoying. Ok, ok. I see him, now. Big shining one, right there. That one, over there? That's the

moon. Again. Show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. Perfect. Yeah.

You know I like like that. Oh come on baby... -Donkey. Wake up. -What? -Wake up. Morning. How

do you like your eggs? -Good morning princess. -What's all this about? You know, we kind of got of

to a bad start yesterday and I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.

Thanks. Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out

than in I always say. But that's no way to behave in front of a princess. -Thanks. -She's as nasty as

you are. You know. You're not exactly what I've expected. Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people

before you get to know them. Princess! What are you doing? ???mon shery, for I am your saviour.

And I am rescuing you from this green...beast. Hey! That's my princess. Go find your own. Please,

monster. Can't you see I'm a little busy here? Look, pal. I don't know who you think you are. Oh, of

course. How rude that was. Please, let me introduce myself. Oh marry men! Man, that was

annoying. Oh, you little... Shall we? ???all the forin??? Whoa, hold on, now. Where did that come

from? -What? -That. Back there. That was amazing. Where did you learn that? Well, when one lives

alone one has to learn these things in case there's a... There is an arrow in your butt. What? Oh,

would you look at that. Oh, no... This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt.

-Shrek's hurt? Shrek's hurt! -Oh, no. Shrek's going to die. -Donkey, I'm ok. You can't do this to me

Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep your legs elevated. Turn your head ???. -Does anyone

know how to handle... -Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into woods and find me

a blue flower with red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Ok, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue

flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. And if you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -Donkey!

-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For

getting rid of the Donkey. Now, you hold still and I'll yank this thing out. -Hey! Easy with the yanking.

-I'm sorry, but it has to come out. No, no. It's tender. What you're doing here is the opposite...

-Don't move. -Ok, look. Time out. -Would you... Ok. What do you propose we do? Blue flower, red

thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't

colorblind. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Hold on, Shrek. I'm coming! Not good.

Ok, ok, I can lose it. It's just about it. Nothing happened. We were just a... Look if you want to be

alone, all you had to do is ask, ok? Oh, come on. That's the last thing on my mind. The princess

here was just... Au! Hey, what's that? Is that... There it is, princess. -Your future awaits you. -That's

Duloc? Yeah. I know. You'll shrink things lord Farquaad is compensating for something, which I

think needs, he has a I guess we better move on. Sure, but Shrek... -I'm worried about Donkey.

-What? I mean. Look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -Well,

that's what they always say. And the next thing you know you're on your back. -Dead! -You know

she's right. You look awful. -Do you want to sit down? -You know, I'll make you up some tea. Well, I

won't say nothing, but I've got this twinge in my neck. And if I turn my neck like this, look. Au, see?

-He's hungry. I'll find us some dinner. -I'll get the firewood. Hey, where are you going? Oh man, I

can't feel my thumbs. I don't have any thumbs!!! I think I need a hug. This is good. This is really

good. -What is this? -Wheat rat. -Rotisserie style. -No kidding. -Oh, this is delicious. -Well, they also

great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean wheat rat stew. I guess I'll be dining a

little different late tomorrow night. Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook

all kinds of stuff for you. Swamp toast, soup fish, eye tartar. You name it. I'd like that. -Ah... ,

princess? -Yes, Shrek? I'm a.... I was wondering. Are you... a... Are you gonna eat that? Man, isn't

this romantic. Just look at that sunset. Sunset?! Oh, no. It's late. It's very late. -What? -Wait a

minute. I see what's going on here. You're afraid of the dark. Aren't you? Yes, yes. That's it. That's,

I'm terrified. You know I'll better go inside. But don't feel bad, princess. I used to be afraid of the

dark too. Until... Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. -Good night. -Good night. Ahh. Now I

really see what's going on here. Oh, what are you talking about. Hey I don't wanna even hear. Look,

I'm an animal and I got instincts. And I know that you two are digging on each other. I can feel it.

Oh, you're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell

the fairemones. Just go in there and tell her how you feel. There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I

did tell her that... well you know. I'm not saying that I do, 'cause I don't. She's a princess and

I'm... ...an Ogre. Yeah, an Ogre. -Hey, where are you going? -To get more firewood. Princess.

Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? Princess? It's very spooky in here and are we playing little

games. -No, no. -Help! Shrek! Shrek! -No. -Shrek! -It's ok. It's ok. -What did you do with the

princess? -Donkey, shhh. I'm the princess. -It's me, in this body. -Oh my god. You ate the princess.

-Can you hear me? -Donkey! Listen, keep breathing. I'll get you out of there! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

This is me. Princess? What happened to you? You're a... different. -I'm ugly, ok? -Yeah. Was it

something that you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats were a bad idea. -You are what you eat, I

say. -No. I've been this way as long as I can remember. What do you mean? Look, I've never seen

you like this before. It only happens when the sun goes down. By night one way, by day another.

This shall be the norm until you find true love's first kiss. Then, take love's true form... -Oh, that's

beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's the spell. When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell

on me. Every night I become this. This horrible ugly beast. I was placed in a tower to await the day

when my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry lord Farquaad tomorrow, before the

sun sets and he sees me, like this? All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not

that ugly. Wait, wait, I'll not lie, you are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24/7.

But Donkey, I'm a princess. And this is not how a princess is meant to look. Princess. How about if

you don't marry Farquaad? I have to. Only my true love's kiss can brake the spell. But you know,

you're kind of an Ogre. And Shrek... Well you've got a lot in common. Shrek? Princess, I... How is it

going first of all? Good? Good for me to. I'm ok. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's

pretty. And, well, I don't really like it, but I thought you may like it, because you're pretty. But I like

you anyway. A.... I'm in trouble. Ok, here we go. Who could ever love a piece so hideous and ugly?

Princess and ugly don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek, but only chance to live

happily ever after is to marry my true love. Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's

the only way to break the spell. Well, at least you've got tell Shrek the truth. No, no. You can't

breathe the word. No one must ever know. What's the point of being unable to talk? You got to

keep secrets. Promise you won't tell. Promise! You know, before this is over, I'm going to need

whole lot of serious therapies. All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. Look at my eye

twitching. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. I tell him not. I tell him! Shrek! Shrek! There's something I

want ... Shrek. Are you all right? Perfect. Never been better. I... There's something I have to tell you.

You don't have to tell me anything, princess. I heard enough last night. -You've heard what I said?

-Every word. I thought you'd understand? Oh, I understand! Like you said, who could love a

hideous, ugly beast! -I thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah, well, it does. Ah, right on time.

Princess. I brought you a little something. What I missed? What I missed? -Princess Fiona. -As

promised. Now hand it over. Very well, Ogre. The deed to your swamp. Cleared out as agreed. Take

it and go. Before I change my mind. Forgive me princess for startling you, but you startled me. For

I've never seen such a radiant beauty before. -I am lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no...

forgive me my lord for I was just saying short... farewell. Oh. That is so sweet. You don't have to

raise good manners on the Ogre. -It's not like it has feelings. -No. You're right. It doesn't. Princess

Fiona, beautiful fair flawless Fiona, I ask your hand in marriage. Will you be the perfect bride for the

perfect groom? Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make... Excellent! I'll start the plans for

tomorrow we wedd... No! I mean I... Why wait? Let's get married today. Before sunset. Oh, anxious

are we? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do. There is the camera, the cake,

the band, the guests... Captain! Round up some guests. Farewell Ogre. Shrek, what are you doing?

You let her get away. -Yeah, so what. -Shrek. There's something about her that you don't know. -I

talked to her last night. She's... -Yeah I know you talked to her last night. You're great pal, aren't

you? Now, if you two are such good friend, why didn't you follow her home? -Shrek. I want to go

with you. -I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone. My swamp, me and

nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! -But. I

thought... -Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong. Shrek. Donkey? What are you doing? I was

thinking of all the people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. Well, yeah. But the wall

supposed to go around my swamp. Not through it. It is around your half. See? That's your half and

this is my half. Oh, your half? Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get

half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head -Back off! -No. You

back off! -This is my swamp. -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go! -Stubborn jackass. -Smelly

Ogre. Fine! Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you, yet. -Well, I'm through with you!

-Well, you know. You were always me, me, me. Well, guess what? Now it's my turn! So you just

shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me, you insult me, you don't appreciate anything that I

do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad,

how come you came back? Because that's what friend do. They forgive each other! Oh, yeah.

You're right Donkey. I forgive you for stabbing me in the back! You're so wrapped up in layers,

onion boy. You're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away. -See? There you are, doing it again. Just

like you did it to Fiona. And all she ever do, was like you. Maybe even love you. Love me? She said I

was ugly! A hideous creature. -I heard that you two were talking. -She wasn't talking about you. She

was talking about... ...somebody else. She wasn't talking about me? Well then, who was she talking

about? No way, I'm not saying anything. You won't listen to me, right? Right? -Donkey. -No! Ok,

look. I'm sorry, all right? I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big stupid, ugly Ogre. Can you forgive me?

-Hey, that's the friends are for, right? -Right. -Friends? -Friends. So? What did Fiona said about

me? Why are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her. The wedding! We'll never make it in

time! Never fear! For where there is a will, there is a way. And I have I way. Donkey? -I guess this is

just my act of magnetism. -Oh, come here, you. All right. All right. Don't get all started. No one likes

kissass. All right, hop on. Hold on tight. I hadn't have a chance to install seat belts, yet. People of

Duloc. We gather here today to bear witness to reunion of our new king... Excuse me. Could you

just skip ahead to "I do's"? Go on. Go ahead and have some fun, if we need you, I'll whistle. How

about that? Shrek, wait, wait a minute. You want to do this right, don't you? -What are you talking

about? -It's the line, it's the line you got to wait for. The priest is going to say: "Speak now or forever

hold your peace". And that's where you say: "I object". -I don't have time for this. -Wait, wait. What

are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? -Yes. -You want to hold her!

-Yes. -Please her! -Yes! Then you got to, got to try a little tender love. -The chicks love that romantic

crap. -All right. Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? We got to check it out. And as so by the

power of these two... What do you see? -I now pronounce you... -There they go! -...he all ready said

it. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. I object! Shrek? Oh, now what does he want? Hi, everyone. Having a

good time, aren't you? I love Duloc, first of all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's

rude enough being alive, when no one wants you. But showing up uninvited to a wedding... -Fiona! I

need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? Well it's a little late for that. So if you'll excuse me.

-But you can't marry him! -And why not? Because, because he's just marrying you so he can be

king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true love. -What do you know about

true love? -Well, I ...I'm in... Oh, this is precious. The Ogre has fallen in love with the princess.

Laugh. Shrek. Is this true? Who cares. It's preposterious. Fiona, my love, we gonna kiss away for

our happily ever after. Now kiss me! By night one way, by day another. I wanted to show you before.

Well. That explains a lot. Oh. It's disgusting. Guards, guards. I order you to get them out of my sight.

-Now! Get them! Get them, both! -No! This marriage is minding, and that makes me king. See? See?

-Shrek! -No. -Don't just stand there, you dogs. -Get out of my way. No! Shrek! -And as for you my

wife. -Fiona! I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I will have order. I will

have potential. I will have... All right, nobody move! I got a dragon here and I'm not afraid to use it.

I'm a donkey on the edge! Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? Go ahead Shrek. -Fiona?

-Yes, Shrek? I love you. Really? Really, really. I love you too. A time for true love's first kiss... Fiona?

Fiona? Are you all right? Yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. But you are

beautiful. I was hoping this would be a happy ending. God bless us, everyone.

holy fuck how did you do that