#cause it certainly ain't your jobs i know that

[101maverick]

Hi! Saw your newest post, so thought I might as well try to help with your writers block :)

How about headcanons of the bat boys dating a broke reader? Alternatively, batboys x bimbo!reader?

Hope this helps you get out of your slump, enjoy the rest of your day and take your time if you ain't up for it :]

A/n: Tysm for the request! Hope you enjoy :)

Dick Grayson

Being resident in Bludhaven, he's financially independent and certainly not rich. He refuses to depend on Bruce.

This means he hasn't got any trust fund money to give you, but he'd definitely help you out any way he can

He'd buy you practical gifts as well as normal ones whenever he's got the chance, and if you're living together the way you divide the living costs would definitely be proportional to your spending power

Dick isn't rich but he's not broke either: the average annual salary for cops in the us is roughly $66.000, but he owns the two-bedroom apartment you live in so the only thing you guys need to pay is taxes and bills, no rent to worry about. You're also not at home for most of the day, seeing as he works as a cop and you have your own job that takes up a good chunk of your day, so the electricity bill isn't very high.

I personally think Reader would not enjoy not having to pay for anything seeing as the money comes out of Dick's own pocket, so she'd at the very least insist on paying for groceries and helping out more in the house with laundry, dishes, cleaning et cetera, to even out the responsibilities as much as possible

He'd support you as much as possible if you're getting a degree, he'd be like your own personal cheerleader, and after you get it he'd organise this huge surprise graduation party for you and then help you get a job in the field of your degree

like if you became a lawyer he'd hook you up with some judges/attorneys he knows aren't corrupt and get you a job in their law firm (paid intern of course, after having worked so hard you want to make it yourself in the world)

I think you two would have tons of fun at the thrift! You wouldn't feel bad about him insisting to spend his money, and you would have the best time just perusing the racks and laughing at all the insane stuff you find plus trying on some genuinely nice clothes

One thing he splurges on though is making sure you have a state-of-the-art home gym, in fact that is why he buys your building's basement and equips it with every work-out machine under the sun plus a trapeze and equipment to practice a ton of other dynamic sports of the sort

————————————

Jason Todd

He's a crime lord so it's safe to say this dude is filthy rich

He obviously doesn't show it though and apart from having a lot of it as an emergency fund for when he needs to defend himself in gang wars I believe he anonymously donates the rest to charities

I go with the canon of Jason being catholic so I believe he gives to the Church, but it could obviously be something else like one of the many Wayne foundations (cause as much as he holds a grudge against his father he knows he's obviously not corrupt and actually helps people)

apart from this he definitely still has a lot of money

He'd refuse to see you struggle financially

He's been through that, he knows how awful it is and does not hear no for an answer when he goes to hand you insane amounts of cash

If you live together then he makes sure to get a nice apartment in the respectable parts of town, blending in with the rest of the neighbourhood to make sure the location is safe and as untraceable as possible

He handles everything and refuses to even let you pay for groceries, insisting that you concentrate on your studies and not worry about having to sustain yourself

To him you guys being a team means that you hold each other up any way you can, and you already support him immensely just by being by his side and loving him, so to him this is just doing his part and supporting you (on top of loving you like crazy of course)

One thing he'd do is make sure your house has enough space to host an insane amount of books though

On this topic I think he'd absolutely spoil you with book hauls, just taking you to every book store you can find and buying piles and piles of books

I'm talking those beautiful gold-leaf covered editions of centuries-old classics, and it doesn't matter if you already have the stories per-se in your library cause it's the edition that matters in this case, ya know?

Like sometimes you want to feel regal and distinguished reading the gold-lined hardcover Commedia, sometimes you want to feel quirky with your penguin edition Jane Eyre, other times you just want to embrace your inner sewer rat and read Macbeth from the shitty mass-produced paperbacks and Jason acknowledges and embraces it

————————————

Tim Drake

Tim, like Jason, is also filthy rich, in virtue of being the owner of Drake Industries and the representative C.E.O. for Bruce at Wayne Enterprises

You'd both live in his Nest, and given the horrendous amount of electricity it consumes it's all already paid for by his company so no need to worry about that

He would only accept "payment" for everything he does for you in the form of you making sure he goes to sleep at decent amounts of time when he's elbow-deep in a case (and tons of love, obviously)

Like Jason, he'd just hands you wads of cash

EXCEPT! He does it for the most mundane stuff. Timothy Jackson Drake is a nepo baby, no way around that. Sure, while he spent his time stalking Batman and Robin through the rougher parts of Gotham he learnt street-safety 101, but he always carried anything he needed for those nightly strolls in his backpack, and he never really learned the real value of money. "$2.70 for a small bottle of water? Sounds reasonable!" is his thought process to this day.

You two would often have these moments of 'culture shock', with Tim slowly discovering how much things should cost every time you two go out to run errands together and you discovering about the insane things the rich buy and do just because Tim decided to recount some childhood stories/told you about some stuff socialites did ad a gala

Since I think Tim's love language is quality time I think he'd take you on these absurd trips whenever possible, that to you are to absurd places but to him it's a very normal trip because "my parents always went there twice a year? It's an extremely normal vacation spot?" Meanwhile it's the Maldives or a private island in Greece or something

This being Tim you also HAVE to have a state-of-the-art phone, with tons of features you will never need to use since you're a civilian but it makes him more at ease, knowing that if the need arises you have the ability to disarm a bomb with the click of a button on your display

————————————

Damian Wayne-Al Ghul

Oh he'd absolutely refuse to have you living anywhere but a castle

It'd take convincing for him to have you living in anything less than a penthouse in the diamond district

He's not against the idea of you working, but he doesn't think that it's necessary for you to slave away at a minimum-wage job while you could be spending all your time in luxury while studying for your degree

After you get your degree he'd help you find a job at one of the most important places for your specialisation, pulling the needed strings just to make sure your resume isn't overlooked (nothing more, he's of the idea that his partner should be strong, plus he believes you to be extremely capable and so thinks that pulling strings to get you the job would be a disservice and an offence to you)

Absolutely spoils you with gifts, and by that I mean: clothes, jewellery, if you like cars he'll buy you a carpark, anything you look at for more than two seconds he'll buy

Damian's way of showing love is through gestures, so you rejecting his gifts would hurt him and he'd take it to mean that you are rejecting him/are unsatisfied with him

Like with Tim, you both would have "Culture shocks" over stuff like the worth of money, lifestyle and stuff like that

Because Damian is basically a royal (or at the very least was raised like one, I don't know what's happened to the LoA in current canon) I think he'd lowkey try to get you an armed guard for when you need to go out as a sign of love lol

"Damian I've been feeling watched while going out as of late" "Don't worry Beloved, that's just the armed guard" "Oh ok-I'm sorry what?!"

Things like anniversaries, birthdays and big events are celebrated in the most lavish settings but in a private way still, like he'll absolutely spoil you and take you to visit this super famous castle for your birthday, matter of fact he'll rent it out for the occasion

For real he does this because when you're alone he can be himself and he loves doing that when you're both experiencing something that makes you happy-- But! Those are head canons for another time hehe >:)

————————————

Bruce Wayne

I believe he's the only one in the bat family who knows the worth of money while having being rich his entire life (ya know, having to use all the disguises he does and going undercover as a normal person a lot of the time)

He definitely offers you a job at Wayne Enterprises, and if you accept he agrees to keeping your relationship under wraps so that no one will start saying that you 'sleep with him for the job'

On that topic if the relationship ever goes public and people start saying that, he will fire them without hesitation

And if it's business partners joking with him about it, he won't stop dealing with them for the sole purpose of covertly crippling their reputation so badly they'll have no choice but to sell their companies to him

You obviously live with him at the Manor, and he insists that everything be paid for by himself only (ya know, richest man in New Jersey and probably the world soooo....)

Bruce is really bad with his emotions, he tends to really repress them whenever he deems them something he's not 'worthy' of feeling or whenever he perceives he has failed at something or failed someone, so the mere fact he confessed his feelings towards you and that he doesn't shun your love is a huge step forward for him. This doesn't mean that he's good at expressing his emotions when he doesn't repress them though, especially not with words.

This is why his main love languages are gift-giving and acts of service, because he shows his love through actions.

Gift-giving as an important love language for him happens because he's very busy both during the day and the night, so sometimes your schedules just don't align or he even has to go off-world with the Justice League and stuff, so he 'makes up' those missed acts of service with lavish gifts

Usually this could be seen as 'throwing money at the problem and hoping it fixes itself' but the thing is that Bruce's gifts are pretty much always spontaneous. He's out and about in his public persona or patrolling as batman, and he sees a storefront with something that reminds him of you or that he thinks you would like. The next logical step is obviously buying it for you as soon as possible and getting it to the manor. Because Bruce is really bad at showing it but the people he loves are always at the forefront of his mind (when he's not being an asshole and repressing his emotions as if the fate of humankind depended on his ability to give his family the cold shoulder and communicating only in grunts and sighs)

———————————— A/n: this was so fun! I love writing head canons because there is no pressure with story flow and how much description and feeling you're putting into it, it's very similar to sharing your thoughts with a friend and that's what endears the format to me so much :) Hope you enjoyed! If you like my work, please consider reblogging and checking out my other works through the master list in my pinned post<3 Love you all🩷

Total word count: 2009

[octuscle]

My professor gave me a zero on my essay for no reason! I did the work! When I asked him why he said that it was because I was a jock and jocks always fail his class. It’s time for payback!

Seriously, what do you expect from a professor of German studies named Dr. Kurt-Heinrich Schulte Obermeier? He's a Westphalian lateral thinker with Prussian discipline oozing from his every pore. Immaculate hairstyle, perfectly fitting suits, first-class pressed shirts. Handkerchief and tie always coordinated with great taste. A luminary in matters of German post-war literature. And an asshole as a professor.

I am a natural scientist. Sort of. According to my self-image as a support staff member. I'm of the opinion that the world isn't a worse place with one less Germanist in it. If he spends his time on meaningful things instead of Günther Grass.

When he wakes up the next morning, he feels fresh and rested. Dr. Kurt Obermeier is one of the youngest research assistants to have ever worked at your university. He is cool. He knows he's clever. But he's a good tutor and even if he's always dressed a bit stuffy, you can have fun with him. Rather atypical for a German studies student, you can even meet him in the sports bar in the evening. When the German soccer league is on.

Curt Meier is a WASP like no other. Although half of him is not Anglo-Saxon but German. That's why he decided to study business administration and German studies. Out of pure interest. He doesn't need to earn any money anyway, he lives off his parents' money. And he lives off the occasional modeling job. Curt is New England incarnate. Cultured, educated. And in his beauty, he is unfortunately also a little boring. But what do you expect from someone who plays cricket?

Yo, dude! Check it out, this Curtis Meyers guy, man, he's like, totally not fitting in at the uni, you know? Button-down shirts? Rugby shirts? That ain't his vibe at all. He's all about football jerseys, bro. But honestly, he only throws those on when he has to. In German studies? Forget about it. The professor thinks he's gotta dress fancy? Ridiculous, man! If they kicked him out for that, he'd be damn happy. He only picked this damn major 'cause he thought it was gonna be all about Thor and Wotan and all those badass demigods, you feel me? They're awesome. But Rilke and Heine? Hell no. And their language, man! Who the hell came up with that? Must've had a sunstroke that day, dude. Oh, and what's up with the sun? Time to link up with the boys and toss some balls on the field...

Mike Curtis hated university, man. Those snobby dudes there were just dumbasses and annoying as hell. Too dumb to take out the trash properly. Too lazy to clean up their own mess. Keeping the campus clean was a crappy job. He especially hated that German Studies building. Full of stuck-up know-it-alls. All a bunch of weaklings. Supposedly Mike had some German great-grandfather or something. What a load of crap! What kind of dumbass has two last names? Anyway, Mike supposedly got his German looks from him. Also bullshit! That was all sweat and hard work in the gym. Mike didn't inherit nothing. He earned everything he got. And he was damn proud of it!

Mike is not a jock in the strict sense of the word. But certainly more than Professor Dr. Schulte Obermeier. I don't think you have anything more to fear from him, Bro. As long as you separate the garbage properly.

[frostbitemutt]

some Jack marston hcs? Low honor more specifically 👀

Oh dear. But, Yes. Yes I will. This is low honor. Don't expect anything less than awful 💀.

Yandere! Low honor! Jack Marston hcs

Warnings: gender neutral darling, yandere trope, forced "relationship", obsession, stalking, harassment, unwanted crude flirting, perverted comments, non-consensual kissing and touching mentioned (nothing explicit), breaking and entering, kidnapping, violence, murder, sadism

Main traits:

|perverted/possessive/violent/sadistic|

✘ John Jack Marston Jr. Better to just call him Jack. A raunchy 19 year old trying to imitate his less than a saint father. On track to being an outlaw... yeah.. you're pretty fucked. He's an absolute little shithead.

✘ I'm going to assume you're a local townsfolk, maybe a store clerk, farmer, or maybe you're just his neighbor. You'll know when you've caught his eye. He makes it more than clear. Hounding you around town. Cat-calling you.

✘ His comments are perverted "They tell me I'm at my sexual peak sweetheart..", "Come on, just one kiss.", "are you are aroused as I am?".. and other comments. Very much to your dismay. Dosen't matter your gender. The perversion dosen't stop at words. If you don't have your curtains shut.. you may have to deal with a peeping Tom. His hands wander where they shouldn't, attempting to grab at you, pull you in close enough for him to kiss.

✘ He's possessive of you. You're not in a relationship. Hell you're not even friendly with him. You're definitely less than that. He still feels you're his regardless of the fact you hate his ass. No other man or woman needs to be looking or touching up on you. That's his job. Not theirs. He won't stand by and let someone else harrass you either. To him it's only okay when he does it. Hypocrite. Threatening, dueling, and shooting people left and right.

✘ Just like his daddy, he's violent. Wouldn't John be proud? Probably not. I already mentioned him shooting randos down. Your friends? They're found with a ludicrous amount of bullet holes. Lover? Yeah their head got blow clean off with a shotgun, sorry. You ain't off the hook either. He'll tackle you to the ground and manhandle you in a fit of anger. He'll shout real loud too. Sudden and explosive is how his temper runs.

✘ Sadism is something that shines through a bit in Jack. Now he's not going out of his way to harm or hit you most of the time, unless he's feeling petty. Maybe he'll give you a mildly harsh kick to your side. However that dosent mean he isn't at all. Your tears, your screams, your sobs, and your insults...make him feel all funny inside as he'd put it. Yuck. He'll laugh and snort at you most of the time. Mocking you and your fear. Maybe even make some pig noises at you to add some salt to the wound. Calling out "Sooie!".

✘ You swear, you wake up at least once a week to a weird noise in your home. Window or door suddenly cracked open, not even cracked, more like wide open. Yet you can't find no one. Oh, yeah, mutiple items go missing too. Lots of clothes. Toothbrush. Notebooks if you got any. Were there always boot prints in your carpet? Your bed feel oddly warm? Nope. It was Jack. Who else.

✘ Escape is certainly.. difficult when he goes to kidnap you. He abuses the fuck out of his lasso. Running away on foot? Lasso. On horse? Get the fuck over here. Lasso. Move more than 30 feet from him? Lasso. That point he's doing it cause he thinks it's funny. Unfortunate for you. Not to downplay the fear that comes with it. Thinking you're free, only to be yanked off your horse and hogtied to the back of his.

✘ It's all much worse when he has you isolated, in his home. No police you can snitch to, bystanders to chase him off, or neighbors of yours to questioning him snooping about. He's dosen't bother restraining himself, he was barely before. Sloppily kissing you, hands grasping wherever he can, shoving you against the nearest solid surface. It's vile.

✘ You'll have to endure more of his tantrums than ever. Grumbling when you refuse to talk to him, because why would you want to? Pouting and stomping his foot when you push him away from you. Going on rants when you won't stop crying. His mood changes day from day. Luckily after a bit you might be able to read his face and tell when he's about to to blow a fuse. You can brace yourself for his delusional complaining.

✘ Don't loose all hope. Escape is possible. Now I'm not going to say Jack's stupid, he isn't. However we're still talking about a 19 year old. (I'm almost 19 I can throw shade). He doesn't have a plethora experience like his dad or an older outlaw. He's a new adult on a violent power trip. If he leaves the house, check the locks, he might have forgotten one. Try to knock him unconscious in his sleep or.. more permanent if you're absolutely certain you can. That's the more risky option. If you can act well enough, you can possibly convince him to let you outside with him. If he does? Book it.

[jacks347]

I MISSED THE NEW BVZ PREMIERE (THANKS JOB)

So now y'all get my live reaction! (I've never done one of these before, this is gonna be fun)

SPOILERS AHEAD IF YOU HAVEN'T WATCHED IT

Intro is great as always, I love this song so much

Here we go~

WHO?? WHAT??

OFF TO A STRONG START

"Lack of cooperation" My guy it's Albus, that's literally his entire thing

On your family?? YOU LEAVE FAITH OUT OF THIS (and Kerano and Devlin)

OH??

HI DEVLIN WHAT

That design is so good, Glowbat you wonder

Plot twist #1, I expect many more

We're not even 5 minutes in, this post is going to be a fucking Bible-

Does Devlin have freckles?? Did he always have freckles?? Beautiful

Oh Devlin got sassy during the break I like :P

Of course he calls for his brother, the strongest person he knows how sweet <3

Miracle of faith, in more ways than one

Oo, that sounds painful

~DINNER BREAK~

ALBUS! LANGUAGE!

Ooo scary protective Albus

"My brothers. My battalion." Oh-

Aaaaand there's the Albus we know and love XD

"Fuck you and your hat!" Pfft you leave Devlin's fedora alone XD

Oh, back to our regularly scheduled program

Waiter I'm afraid you got some capitalism in my cowboy fantasy

GIMME CROSSBOW I WANT A CROSSBOW

I don't even think Albus knows where Albus went, he just heard his brother calling and left

Ewwwww TMI Albus

LIGHTSABER?? WHO LET ALBUS PICK UP A LIGHTSABER

Oo who's at the door? And why do I not trust it-

Oh it's just Devlin-

Uh oh, Albus has to explain his family~

Hi Mahatma! I still don't entirely trust you!

Why am I playing organizing Tetris-

...oops

"Can I ask you something?" I mean you just did so-

"Do you ever feel...powerless?" Well ain't this a pleasant conversation

"Like you can't save the people you care about" WELL AIN'T THIS A PLEASANT CONVERSATION

Look at Hipswitch showing off his detective skills! I'm so proud

Oh? What's on that ship??

Oh god not more new characters-

The mafia's back that's not good-

Why is the mafia fighting the Triad I'M SCARED

THE MAFIA SHOT DOWN THE PALADIN SHIPS?? WHY?? I DON'T LIKE WHERE THIS IS GOING

Another point to the man that can't even fuckin read that he's just a tad bit stupid :P

Boys, boys! You're both pretty stop yelling XD

"Interesting" is certainly a word for it Doc, wait until you hear about the woman they're both in love with-

"Caused any distress" ...do you hear yourself Devlin?

...awkward silence...

Paladins of Cindergorn eh? Looks like we are gonna learn about Faith today

Devlin being a smartypants, Hipswitch giving the most sass I've ever heard in a single sentence, this is great

Ewww I hated everything about that metaphor

"Something doesn't feel quite right" Of course it doesn't because nothing here is ever simple

WHY IS DEVLIN CHANGING COLORS??

"Is there anything else you can actually swallow?" ...Doc that is the wrong person to ask

"Oh...eugh" 10/10 Love that reaction XD

Poor Devlin, he spent enough time single-handedly running a ship-

When did Albus attempt to learn to cook?? And why??

"Don't worry about me" Faith's healer senses are tingling

"I saw you get goosebumps, did I scare you?" Honey considering how this story is going I don't think it was fear-

HIPSWITCH THIS IS NOT THE POSITION YOU WANT TO BE IN WHEN DEVLIN GETS BACK

Oh the secondhand embarrassment is crawling up my spine and it hasn't even happened yet

Please God get off of him before I explode-

And we're safe thank god

"You don't trust him at all, do you?" Would you if you were in my position?

This is really just the backstory episode isn't it

Albus, the hired gun where his last job got him killed, wasn't too keen on being a bounty hunter until he saw the paycheck. Okay that stings a little-

"I'm sure they're fine" *Cut to them being very not fine*

Devlin proudly proclaiming he can't read, 10/10 tension diffused

"We won't tell a soul, right partner?" Sir I couldn't even if I wanted to my mouth is literally just for decoration at this point (don't take that out of context-)

Destroy a sacred scripture surrounded by Paladins of Cindergorn, a certain priestess just felt her eye twitch

Yes Doc, show off that psychology degree you worked so hard for (hi I'm a psych student so it's also the degree *I'm* working so hard for)

"Is Devlin a father?" He's not just a stepdad, he's a dad who stepped up 💪 (that was so bad forgive me-)

Devlin...what did you do...

Okay I do not trust any of what just happened, what are you after Devlin?

Oh god the mafia's back

DOGS?? OH GOD PLEASE NO

NOT DOC!! ALBUS SOUNDS SO WORRIED

Show em what you're made of Albus

Don't talk to Albus like he doesn't know what being trained from birth to be someone's dog is like-

Devlin's going through it again, someone save the poor boy from his flashbacks

Y'know, Redacted being the one getting killed instead of doing the killing is rather cathartic in a bittersweet kind of way

Time to rewrite history! Again!

"What exactly can he do?" Great question, I'll tell you when I find out

Oh great, GB's back on his villain shit what piece of lore are we getting today

I don't trust that music, what's about to happen and is it a sand worm like this is Star Wars (we already had a lightsaber it wouldn't shock me)

I KNEW IT!! ASK ME HOW I KNEW GO ON ASK

WHO IS THE MAN IN THE MASK I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS

"I have someone for this kind of thing" Yes go visit your wife and her special bandage technique :D

"Is it a hooker?" "No! It's not a hooker!" He sounded so offended for her, I love that

:O Let someone else fix you up?? And betray wife?? Wait no Wife is Gienne (hello GB Twitch chat :P)

Where's Faith I saw the cast list where is she

WHAT DO YOU WANT YOU BIRD NOSE FREAK

:D KERANO BABY

Oh that art is adorable

SHE CALLS HIM DAD MY HEART IS GONNA EXPLODE

Oop there's Faith-

And Kerano calls her Mom ughhhhh I'm not gonna make it y'all

"It's been x amount of time" Kerano I love you

"Death is too good for him" Yikes

"That's a relief!" "It is?" Pfft-

Faith went from furious to worried in 2 seconds hearing about Albus, that's our girl

"You didn't tell him about your father's death" HEH?? HONEY YOU DIDN'T TELL *ME* ABOUT HIS FATHER'S DEATH WTF I THOUGHT WE WERE IN THIS TOGETHER FAITH

Oh poor Devlin :(

"I miss him, Faith" Is that the first time we've ever heard Devlin call her by her name? Back in BW he always just called her Sister

Awww hug him for me Faith

Oh yeah, Faith is the only who can actually read-

"Something called Operation Sub Delta" ...what

Oh my god don't read it Faith please god don't read it

And she's reading it-

"You just want an excuse to see him again" Oh look, he's reading the thoughts of the fandom (YES WE WANT ALBUS TO SEE HIS WIFE AGAIN SO SUE US)

"I've actually met someone" EXCUSE ME?? DEVLIN YOU HOE WHO IS IT??

"Look at my choice in men" Ah so she realizes it XD

Come on Faith, connect the dots, I know you're smart enough

And she's done it

Who is Agent and what the hell is happening

Uh oh-

They have the files of the subjects that Devlin doesn't

Which means they can use Albus like their own weapon by probing his training like Kravatas did

Oh I really don't like where this is going

WHAT??

THAT'S THE END??

YOU CAN'T JUST END IT ON THAT WHAT THE HELL

Oh my god this series really loves throwing me for loops doesn't it

OKAY ENDING THOUGHTS

Absolute 100000/10 episode GB you madlad you've done it again

Was completely worth the wait, love seeing the whole cast together again including our new players!

The art is flawless, I expected nothing less of Glowbat

Keep doing what you do you mad genius GB, I'll be holding my breath for the next one (try not to kill me I can't do another 4 months-)

[gracegrove]

TW 70s era use of the word "queer"

Neil Hargrove doing a very working-class thing by volun-telling Billy that he will be spending his summer as a 14-year-old doing hard manual labor on a job site with some random ass uncle he didn't even know he had until one morning over dry Cheerios.

Neil drops him off at Uncle Matt's in Anaheim with a backpack and a duffel bag. See ya in September. "Don't cause your uncle any trouble," he warned with a thick grip on the shoulder before he took off for the interstate.

Billy stared at the man with hard eyes, his arms crossed in defiance. "You're not my real Uncle..."

The man chortled, ash sprinkling from the thick cigar chomped in his teeth. "Ya think so, tough guy?" He chuckled some more, waving for Billy to come inside.

Uncle Matt was a large man, as wide as he was tall. The furniture groaned when he sat down, casually kicking off his work boots and shrugging out of his suspenders as he picked up the can of beer from the side table.

"So Willy..." "It's Billy." Uncle Matt gave him a toothy grin. "Billy," he corrected, "Ya ever work a day in yer life?"

Billy sat on the corner of the couch, as the man took a long sip from his Coors. "Kinda. I mow lawns n' stuff."

Matt chuckled, "Ya ain't gonna be mowing no fucking lawns here! This is gonna be hardass work kid. Best get some sleep now..."

Billy rolled his eyes and headed off to the bedroom he was given.

After the first month, Billy and Uncle Matt fell into a routine. Matt's wind-up alarm clock was grating and shrill enough to wake Billy before Matt got two extra snores in at sunrise. The pair shared toast, eggs, and Folger's instant before heading out to the job site.

Billy's hands had gotten rough and calloused. Blistered and scabbed over more times than he could count.

"Hey Billy!" Matt called out over the ending shift horn. Billy slung the hammer in his grip onto the loop of his jeans and began climbing down the ladder. "Yah?"

"We're gonna have some company over tonight for dinner. My bookkeeper, Dan. So play nice." Billy smiled wryly. "I always play nice."

Things seemed a bit odd when dinnertime began rolling around. Uncle Matt was combing and carefully parting his hair in the mirror and was that the stench of aftershave on his beard?

Also for the first time in his life, Billy discovered what a tablecloth looked like as Matt carefully smoothed it across the dining room table. Billy crinkled his nose in suspicion, "Dan's a woman."

Matt barked out a laughed. "You're a hoot kid! Wait till Dan hears that!"

The doorbell rang and Matt stood up straight, smoothing his shirt. "Billy, can you set the plates out while I get the door?" Billy squinted at him, as the man hurried out of the room.

Peeking his head around the corner Billy snuck a glance at their guest.

Dan was not what Billy was expecting and he certainly wasn't a woman either. Dan was an average man of average height. He had shaggy brown hair and a thick mustache to boot. His face was set with round thick-rimmed glasses. What was so special about Dan that they had to have dinner with him?

The men hugged at the door, the embrace uncharacteristic of how Billy believed men should act around each other. They regarded each other warmly. "I'm so glad you came," Matt said quietly. "Me too. I've missed you."

Scurrying back, Billy quickly set the table and sat down, his heart thundering. He suddenly felt like he shouldn't be here. Like he was now a part of a horrible secret.

"Billy, this is Dan." Matt introduced as they entered the room. Billy awkwardly rose from his chair, weakly shaking his hand. "H-hey."

"Why don't you two have a seat and I'll fetch the chow, huh?" Matt said happily, a hand on Dan's shoulder.

"Oh, I'll help!" Billy forcibly stated, rushing into the kitchen.

Matt raised an eyebrow, "Ok..."

In the kitchen, Billy was nervously wringing his hands around a hot pad as Matt entered. "Are you a queer?" he blurted out, regretting it in an instant.

Matt set down the crockery he had set to take in. "I am Billy. Does that make you uncomfortable?"

Billy twisted the hot pad back and forth in his hands, "I... – I don't know. It's like..." He was struggling, his nose scrunching and his eyes watering up. "You're... you're not supposed to."

Uncle Matt ripped a paper towel off the rack and handed it to Billy. "It's okay tough guy, you don't gotta figure it all out right now. If you wanna have dinner in your room you can."

Billy shook his head, blowing his nose loudly. "But you made all this, and... you're real nice, and... –"

"... a damned queer." Matt added with a deadpan delivery. "Just don't tell your father, he'd have a heart attack."

Billy laughed.

"Now c'mon. Chow's gettin' cold."

[hecatemoon87]

This story will eventually have smut. Minors DNI.

Chapter 6

Johnny idly smoked a cigarette on his front porch as he looked out on his lawn. He owned a ranch style home on the outskirts of Chicago. It was his own little island of peace, and at the moment, he was decompressing from a long haul job he had just returned from.

It was the onset of autumn, so the green of his yard was turning into the color of wheat. He was tired, but his mind drifted towards how his biker gang was doing.

As if on que, Benny and some other members of his biker club pulled up to the house.

Benny jumped off his bike and made his way towards the porch. The others walked over to a few lawn chairs nearby. They had a six-pack and cracked some beers open. One guy tossed a beer to Benny, who in turned offered it to Johhny.

Johnny took the beer and pulled the tab off. He took a long drink and sighed.

"That was a pretty long haul this time," Benny said.

"Yeah, but I pulled in a couple grand, so not too bad," Johnny said.

"Not bad at all," Benny said.

"How's your girl," Johhny asked, flicking his cigarette.

"She's fine. She's visiting her mom for a few days," Benny said, taking another drink of beer. "What about yours? You still trying to date that Italian girl? She seems a bit stiff if you ask me."

"Well, ain't nobody asking you, are they?" Johnny said, bristling.

Benny held up a hand and shook his head, "Sorry, Johnny. You know, I don't mean any disrespect."

"I know, I'm just tired," Johnny said, finishing off his beer. As he crushed it under his boot, he watched as Amelia's little sedan pulled up in front of his house.

"Hey, is that her?" Benny said, squinting into the setting sun.

"Yeah," Johnny said, surprised. He had left her a message, telling her he had returned home. He hadn’t expected to see her tonight.

She got out of her car and stepped up onto the porch. "Hey, John. I'm sorry, I didn't think you'd have any visitors," she said, brushing a lock of hair behind her ear. She was wearing a long, gray pea coat.

Johnny came over, pulled her into a hug, and kissed her cheek. "I'm glad you came. The boys were just leaving," Johnny said, giving Benny a nod to get the hell out of there.

"I thought you said you were tired?" Benny said, chuckling as he stepped off the porch and waved his hand to the others, signaling them to go.

Johnny ignored Benny and guided Amelia inside. "Do you want a drink?" He asked.

She shook her head as she walked inside. Once the door was closed, she removed her coat, revealing a tasteful green dress, but it was certainly meant to be alluring as well.

Johnny almost groaned aloud. She looked so good, and he wanted badly to walk over and kiss her. Instead, he took her coat and placed it on a hanger in a closet.

"How did the job go? I bet you're really tired," she said.

"It was long but worth it in the end. I'm good, glad you came," he said, a little confused on why she was there.

She nodded and turned to sit on his couch. He followed suit and sat next to her. As he sat down, a muscle in his neck strained causing him to hiss. He brought his hand up to rub it.

"Do you need a massage?" She asked, turning a little toward him.

"Nah, I'm fine," he said, but she surprised him again by moving behind him, making him move forward for her to access his neck. Her dainty hands applied pressure slowly, rubbing his aching muscles in a relieving way.

He grunted and closed his eyes, enjoying both her presence and touch. He then felt her lips connect with his neck, her soft kisses giving him a start. He began to feel the blood rush to his manhood.

"Amelia," he started to say, but her hands reached around, gently gripping his pecks, her little kitten kisses turning into nips upon his neck. Then she whispered, "Is this...is it okay?"

Her voice was small but eager. He managed to say, "Yeah, Princess, more than okay. Do you want to stay here or go to the bedroom?"

She hesitated for a moment but said, "Bedroom."

He stood up and turned to take her by the hand. Her cheeks were slightly pink, and she kept her eyes down, but she took his hand.

They made their way to his bedroom, and he watched as she sat on the end of the bed. He sat next to her, placing his hand on her waist and kissed her.

She brought up her hand to his face, kissing him back, their tongues entangled, Amelia emitting soft moans. She then pulled him back onto the bed, but Johnny laid beside her instead of settling in between her legs.

Her hand drifted from his cheek to his chest, their kissing slow but passionate. Johnny kept his hand on her waist, not wanting to startle her in any way. But, god, he wanted to slip himself inside her little flower.

Amelia gave him one more kiss, then stood up. Johnny watched her silently as she removed her dress, letting it pool around her feet after it fell. She wore lavender colored bra and panties. He already knew she had a voluptuous figure, but now he was able to see her bare curves and a pang of desire filled Johnny's loins.

He noticed her hands covered a spot on her left side. She once again cast her eyes down, almost in shame.

"Hey, what's the matter, Princess?" Johnny said, getting up from the bed and hooking a finger under her chin. He looked into her eyes, which were wet with tears.

"Um, well, it's...it's because of this..." She said, moving her hands away from her side. Johnny could see a light red, though pronounced scar. It was about five inches in length and about 1/8 inch wide.

"That?" Johnny said, pulling her in and gently tracing the scar with his fingertips as he looked her deep in her eyes. "That's nothing, you're gorgeous, baby girl." And he kissed her, but she moved her head away. She stayed in his arms, though.

"It's not that...well, a little. Look, what I'd like to explain is that I've been standoffish because of how it happened. A man, my mother wanted me to date, he demanded sex on our third date, but I said no. He...he got mad and broke a bottle and, um, struck me here," she said.

Johnny's face darkened with anger. He was really fed up with her bitch of a mother. And now he planned to find this man and make him pay.

"Princess, I would never hurt you. Do you understand? If you want to stop right here, let's just talk, hmmm?" He said.

"No, I want you. I'm sure of that. I'm just... okay, I'm nervous because I'm a virgin. That incident happened when I was twenty-five. It scared me away from men, so I focused on my career," she said, blushing again.

Johnny kept his expression calm and understanding, but inside, he almost combusted. He hated to admit it, but her being a sweet young woman, plus being a virgin, made him almost orgasm right there. He swallowed hard and told himself to get a grip.

"Yeah? So, uh...you want me to be your first?" He said, his heart now pounding in his chest, his cock stiffening, but he was trying to keep his erection down so not to intimidate her.

"Yes," she said, sounding confident in her choice. But then said, "just...be gentle? Please?"

"Don't you worry about that. Like I said, I'd never hurt you," he said, kissing her lightly on the lips. She nodded and made her way to the bed, making herself comfortable in the middle. Johnny admired her from the end of the bed.

He proceeded to remove his shirt, revealing his impressive physique. He could tell she liked what she saw, nibbling on her bottom lip, eyes heavy with lust.

He slowly unbuckled his belt, removing his pants but leaving his underwear on. His bulge was visible now. He could no longer stave off his erection.

Carefully, he joined her in bed, resting at her side. They kissed, and Johnny traced his hand over her curves.

"Wanna lay on your back? I'm gonna get you nice and wet, alright?" Johnny said, in between kisses.

"Huh?" She said naively, but moved to rest on her back.

Johnny frowned a little but chuckled and said, "You know how sex works, right?"

She playfully slapped his shoulder. "Yes, I'm aware of how it works...I just might not know all the, um, particulars."

"Particulars?" Johnny said, laughing a little. He was enjoying her naivety. It was cute. He looked forward to watching her come undone for him.

"You know what I mean," she said.

"Hmm, I do," he said, snaking his fingers over her panty-covered mound, eliciting a gasp of pleasure from her. She gripped the bed sheet tight, looking at him with a furrowed brow. "That was...that was, um, nice," she said.

"Yeah, that was. Let's try this," he said, gently pushing her panties down and tracing the outline of her slit. Amelia moaned, closing her eyes and opening her legs a little wider. Johnny took that to mean she wanted more, his index finger moving between her folds, applying pressure to her clit, then moving in a circular motion over her nub.

"Johnny," she whispered moaned.

"I thought it was John?" He said, grinning. She blinked and giggled a little. "I think I like Johhny better now," she said. He smiled, then glided a thick finger into her opening.

She whimpered, looking into his eyes like a precious little mess. He softly opened her cunny up, thrusting in and out with care. Then gliding his finger up with the use of her honey, spreading it over her sensitive clit.

Amelia arched her back, breathing in shallow breaths. She was close and she didn't even know it. Johnny kissed her neck and slid his finger up her pussy again, then gave her clit full attention.

She was gushing over his fingers. Johnny moved her bra strap off her shoulder with his teeth. Then, she pushed down her again using his teeth, revealing a bare nipple and giving it a wet, tongue suckle.

This broke her, and she moaned, "Oh, Johnny, yes...."

She wasn't a loud moaner. It was all soft and sensual and deep, having Johnny carve her more.

She rotated her hips a little, allowing Johnny's fingers to provide her friction. When she came down, she turned her head and looked at Johnny. "Am I wet enough?"

Johnny felt his cock throb, on the border of uncomfortable. He needed her, but his mind forced his body back under control.

"You are," he said, kissing her nose. "Can I?" He said, moving to get between her legs. She answered by pulling him over on top of her.

He pulled his underwear off, releasing his erection. Amelia looked down at him, a look of anxiety on her face. "Will it hurt?"

"I'm not going to lie, it will a little. But you'll adjust around me," he said, stroking her outer thighs comfortingly.

"Okay, I'm ready," she said, and he aligned himself with her moist hole. Johnny closed his eyes, his eyes practically rolling back as the sensation of her pussy swallowing him.

Amelia inhaled sharply as his girth divided her walls. "Relax, take a breath, Princess, I promise it will feel better in a few minutes. I'll go nice and slow," he said, opening his eyes and assuring her.

Her hands rested on his firm shoulders, and she nodded. "Okay, I trust you," she said, her eyes shining up at him, as if he were her whole world now.

Johnny proceeded in filling her up, then as he promised, he rocked his hips nice and slow, carefully stretching her core around him. She took a deep breath and felt the tension release from her body.

He made love to his virgin Princess tenderly until he came. He made sure to extract himself as he spilled his seed and laid back on the mattress, staring at the ceiling.

"Are you good?" Johnny said, looking over at her. She turned to rest on her side and nodded, "I'm good, John."

"Back to John, hmm? Johnny is only for when you feel naughty?" He said, smiling.

She blushed but nodded. They made love again, this time, she was more interactive because, at one point, she gripped his ass and asked him to go harder. That turned Johnny on badly, and it took every ounce of willpower not to drill her into the mattress.

They fell asleep together, Johhny first as he was already exhausted. As he snored softly, Amelia rested her head on his chest in bliss.

[homosexualisopod]

idk what else to say in here.

Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful

sort, which could only be broken by Love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a

terrible fire breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful

prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower

for her true love and true love's first kiss. Like that's ever going to happen. What a loony. Shrek

Beware Stay out I think he's in here. All right. Lets get it! Hold on. Do you know what that thing can

do to you? Yeah. He'll groan into your bones for his brains. Well actually that would be a giant. Now

Ogres, huh, they are much worse. They'll make a soup from your freshly peeled skin. They'll chew

your livers, squeeze the jelly from your eyes. Actually, it's quite good on toast. Back, back beast,

back! I warned you! Right. This is the part, where you run away. Yeah! And stay out. Wanted.

Fairytale creatures. Right, this one is full. Take it away. Give me that. Your fine days are over. -25

pieces of silver for the witch. Next. -Come on. Sit down there! And be quiet! This cage is so small.

You wouldn't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please, give me another chance.

Oh, shut up! Next. What do we got? This little wooden puppet. I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy. Five

shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. No! Please, don't let them do it! Next. What do you

got? Well, I've got a talking donkey! Right. Well that's good for ten schillings, if you can prove it. Oh,

go ahead fella. Well? He's just a li..., just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. You

boneheaded donkey! That's it. I have heard enough. Guards! No, no, he talks, he does! I can talk. I

love to talk. I've talked to... Get her out of my sight! -No, no, I swear! Hey, I can fly. -He can fly! -He

can fly! He can talk! -That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey! You might have seen house

fly, maybe even a superfly. But I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Seize him! Get him! This way!

Hurry! You there. Ogre. -I. By the order of lord Farquaad. I am authorized to place you both under

arrest. And transport you to designated resettlement facility. Oh really? You and what army? Can I

say something to you? Listen, you were really, really something, back there. Incredible. Are you

talking to... ...me? Yes, I was talking to you. Can I just tell you that you were really great back there

with those guards. They thought that was all over there. And then you showed up and BAM. There

was tripping on over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.

Oh, that's great. Really. Man, it's good to be free. Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom

with your own friends? But I... I don't have any friends. And I'm not going out there by myself. Hey

wait a minute. I have a great idea... I'll stick with you. You and me in green fighting machine.

Together we'll scare the spin if anybody crosses us. Oh, a, that was really scary. Maybe you don't

mine me saying. If that don't work, your breath will certainly do the job done, 'cause... you

definitively need some tic-tac or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man you've ??? my note!

Just like the time... ...and then I ate some rotten berries. Man I had some strong gases leaking out of

my but that day. Why are you following me? I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone, there is no one

here, beside me. My problems have all gone. There's no one to derive me. But you got to have

free ... -Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder, you don't have any friends. Wow! Only a true friend

would be that truly honest. Listen! Little donkey. Take a look at me! What am I? A... ...really tall? No!

I'm an Ogre. You know, grab your torch and pitchforks. Doesn't that bother you? Nope. Really?

-Really really. Oh? Man, I like you. What's your name? A..., Shrek. Shrek?! But do you know, what I

like about you, Shrek? You've got that kind of: "I don't care what nobody thinks of me" thing. I like

that, I respect that, Shrek. You're all right. Uh, look at that. Who would wanna live in a place like

that? That would be my home. Oh, it is lovely. Just beautiful. You know you're quite a decorator. It's

amazing what you did with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess,

you don't entertain much, do you? I like my privacy. You know I do to. That's another thing, we have

in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You try to give them a hint and they

won't leave. And then there's that big occurred silence, you know? Can I stay with you? -What? Can

I stay with you, please. Of course! -Really? No. -Please! I don't want to go back there. You don't

how is like to be concerned like a freak. Well..., maybe you do. But that's why we have to stick

together! You got to let me stay! Please! Please! OK, OK. -But one night only. -Huh, thank you! A,

what are you do... No! This is going to be fun. We can stay up late, swap the manly stories. And in

the morning... I'm making waffles. Where do I sleep? Outside! Oh, a, I guess that's cool. You know, I

don't know you and you don't know me... ... so I guess, outside is best for me. Here I go. Good

night. I do like that half door. I'm a donkey all alone outside. Sit by myself outside, I guess. I'm all

alone, there's no one here beside me. -I thought, I told you to stay outside. -I am outside. Well

James. This is far from the farm, but what choice do we have? It's not... What a lovely bed. -Got

you! I found some cheese. Awful stuff. -Is that you Gordon? -How did you know? Enough! What are

You need to be euthanized I think

[miyuhpapayuh]

Surprise self-rec time! Pick 3 things you’ve written that you are most proud of/were the most challenging to write and share them here, then if you’re so inclined (no pressure) put this in the inbox (anonymously or not) of your fellow writers to spread the positivity and help celebrate everyone’s hard work 😘😘

Omg heyyy!!

I'm proud of everything I've written lmfao but the three that really stand out to me are first and foremost, my baby Honey.

Iykyk, when I first put this story out, it was like my greatest creation ever. It was so in depth, so true to me and my southern ass and how there's sweet men in the world for brown women like you and me!

I ended up having to part with it for a while and I'm glad I listened to my gut telling me to put it back out, and after some reconstruction, ongoing might I add, it's been the best decision ever cause I had placesssss I was taking this story! I can't wait to show y'all what's up my sleeve!

The second thing I'm proud is Soul. That was, if I'm not mistaken, the second story I wrote. Back in 2018, the year I started taking it seriously.

I've explored a lot with that story so far.

Death. Behavioral issues. Mental health. Complexity. Identity. Fear.

They're my temperamental couple. Hotheaded and in love, trying the best in the ways they know how. Cause love isn't always sunshine and rainbows, you gotta find someone you can also weather the storm with.

That's a true testament of love to me. Who's gonna be there when it's rough? No matter what, we still love on each other type shit. No matter what!

Those my babies!

And last but certainly not least, my Mocha babies!!

When I tell y'all that draft sat for like two years??

My best friend and I have writing rule, write it down before you lose it or it'll be gone forever and you'll be mad.

I'm so glad I wrote that shit down. I love this story so much. With my whole heart.

Another sweet southern couple. Starring Yahya's fine, tall ass!!

These stories really are extensions of me. She's a painter moonlighting at a dead end job, just trying to hold herself together. Burying her life in her love for flowers.

Meeting a chocolate Adonis at your favorite place is like destiny, right?? Wedding bells going off type shit!

They're so cute y'all I can't take it! Every chapter is my favorite chapter lmao I can't take them and I write the shit, how that sound??!

I'm so glad I finally answered this ask lmao it took me a minute to really think cause three spots just ain't fair!!

[evolutionsvoid]

When environments go bad, people typically think that the wildlife vanishes completely. If a pond gets polluted, or a bunch of the vegetation in a forest dies, then surely nothing is going to stick around! Indeed, it is true that upsets in ecosystems can cause numerous species to vanish from them. It is certainly a sign, and a bad one at that. Like amphibians disappearing from your local lake or marsh. When the frogs stop singing, something ain't right. However, there are also instances where new life entering the picture can be an equally bad sign. "But Chlora!" some of you may say "Isn't having new species come into an ecosystem a good thing? Isn't more life better?" To that I say: have you been reading these? Because if you are thinking that adding species to a habitat is always a plus, then I am about to launch an entire tome's worth of invasive species issues right into your face. Some creatures are simply not meant to be in places, be it lack of predators, lack of usual food source or other environmental factors. Some may be invasive, while others are simply in an area where they shouldn't be! Like, if you had a pond and suddenly saltwater fish started living in it. You would be like "hey, isn't this a fresh water body?" Well apparently not anymore!  An extreme example, yes, but I am trying to convey something here. Not sure if I am doing a great job at it. Here's another example, using the star of this entry: the Doratabo!

Before we can get into it proper, we need to know what a Doratabo is. The Doratabo is a species of fish, though not exactly in the fish form you expect. They have a long body, a large head and, most noticeably, a pair of limbs. Where one would expect fins, the Doratabo has a rather simple pair of forearms. Though there are digits at the ends of these arms, don't think that this fish is scaling cliffs or picking up swords. These arms are rather thin in comparison to the rest of their body, and even their clawed fingers aren't that sharp or tough. The most these limbs do is dig through the mud or help drag themselves along the ground. This brings me to the next noticeable feature of this species, and its the fact that you often see them out of the water! While they are indeed fish, the Doratabo has a wet hide that allows it to absorb air, like an amphibian would! Even their throats have this lining that lets them swallow air and breath without using their gills! This is good for them, because it means they can spend time outside of a particular water body and not worry about suffocating. It also lets them traverse the shores or move to better pools instead of being trapped in one place! They use this air breathing so much, that they are commonly found on mudflats, river shores and places where the waters have receded. Though they don't need water to breath, they do need moisture for their skin to take in air, so they are still reliant on places that have plenty of water or dampness. Mud is their favorite, so much so that locals would say that they are born from it. Make a mud puddle on your property, and Doratabo will magically pop out of it! But more on that later!

The muddy shores and flats are where they like to hang out, and it is also where they hunt. Their big mouths are used for swallowing up insects, crabs, snails and smaller fish. They typically look for food that is struggling in the thick mud, giving them opportunity to slither towards them and gobble them up! Though they are large, there are plenty of other creatures that would happily dine on them! To avoid predation, Doratabo hide themselves in the mud, using their earthy coloration and wrinkled hide to blend in with the environment. To add to the look, they coat themselves in the wet mud. This has the double bonus of wetting their skin for breathing and building up their camouflage! Once they are covered, they look like they are one with their surroundings, vanishing into the soggy earth whenever predators come around. Even if a beast were to locate them and attack, they will find their claws and teeth slipping off the slick hide, making it difficult to grab hold of the wriggling fish! And if things get really dire, they will lash out with their clawed fingers or try to smother their attacker in the thick mud. The latter tactic has them using their bulk to knock foes over into the muck, then push them further in until they give up or suffocate. 

To the people who live in the regions the Doratabo dwells, it isn't a huge threat to them. These fish prefer to be left alone and if threatened, they usually just burrow into the mud and hide, so attacks are rare. They aren't hunted that much either, because their meat is considered quite gross. Folks claim it is very muddy tasting and gritty, practically marinated in the muck they inhabit. Some people like it, but from the sounds of it it is a very acquired taste. So interactions between people and Doratabo are rather infrequent it would seem, until you hear the stories...

Despite their rather harmless nature and love for mud, it seems this fish has made it into quite a few tales. In fact, the people of the past labeled it as a spirit of vengeance. That seems a bit extreme, right? Well, here is where it gets interesting, and where my ramblings at the beginning finally make sense. The Doratabo was considered to be an entity that haunted forgotten rice fields, where vegetation had overgrown and mud had swallowed the crop. These muddy spirits would arise and torment the living with their howls and vile presence, until the owners of the land changed their ways and tended to their wasted fields. What on odd thing! Where on earth did they get that idea? Well I'll tell you!

I made mention before that Doratabo love mud and usually show up wherever it is in excess, right? Well, when rice fields get neglected and are left to the elements, the fields tend to get overgrown and muddy. Once this starts to happen, local Doratabo take notice, and they think these places would make lovely homes! So a few move in, trampling the vegetation and churning up the earth, making the field even more foul and mucky. As they do this, more Doratabo show up to take advantage of this new place, and eventually the whole field becomes a flat of mud and drowned rice plants. So if one neglects their rice fields, then these "men of mud" show up and start making it worse. This image is made possible through the large head and clawed arms of the Doratabo rising out of the mud, giving folks the impression of a humanoid clawing out of the muck. Their large colorful lump on their faces also makes people think of an eye, turning this angry spirit into an angry cyclops! But what of the howling? Well, when Doratabo gather in large numbers, things get heated during the mating season. Males will stand proud on the mud flats, with their colorful nose ornament on full display. They suck up air and then let it all out in long howl, which kind of sounds like a deep long burp. They make these noises to attract females and let other males know who is on top. If any challengers show up, it is some good old mud wrestling until one of them slinks off in defeat! While this is all about mating to them, folks mistake these calls for groans and moans of restless spirits. 

While in the past, they once believed these fish to be upset spirits angered by the neglected rice fields, people now recognize them as both a simple species and an important environmental cue. When water levels change, and vegetation starts choking out a water body, the Doratabo will show up for the mud and their presence will speed up the process. The waterways will grow murky and stifled, and local vegetation will get trampled until the whole area is just a muddy field. Not the end of the world, but not good for species that used to live in these pristine waters! So now people know to keep an eye out for Doratabo moving into water bodies they aren't usually in, as it is a sign that something is wrong with the environment. So it turns out that they aren't restless spirits, but they do appear to be a modern day omen!

Chlora Myron

Dryad Natural Historian

------------------------------------------------------

"Doratabo"

The season calls for some spirits or yokai! Could always stand to have a couple of those! Now lets shove it into a fish!

[fyodordostoevskeys]

Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by Love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. Like that's ever going to happen. What a loony. Shrek Beware Stay out I think he's in here. All right. Lets get it! Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? Yeah. He'll groan into your bones for his brains. Well actually that would be a giant. Now Ogres, huh, they are much worse. They'll make a soup from your freshly peeled skin. They'll chew your livers, squeeze the jelly from your eyes. Actually, it's quite good on toast. Back, back beast, back! I warned you! Right. This is the part, where you run away. Yeah! And stay out. Wanted. Fairytale creatures. Right, this one is full. Take it away. Give me that. Your fine days are over. -25 pieces of silver for the witch. Next. -Come on. Sit down there! And be quiet! This cage is so small. You wouldn't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please, give me another chance. Oh, shut up! Next. What do we got? This little wooden puppet. I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy. Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. No! Please, don't let them do it! Next. What do you got? Well, I've got a talking donkey! Right. Well that's good for ten schillings, if you can prove it. Oh, go ahead fella. Well? He's just a li..., just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. You boneheaded donkey! That's it. I have heard enough. Guards! No, no, he talks, he does! I can talk. I love to talk. I've talked to... Get her out of my sight! -No, no, I swear! Hey, I can fly. -He can fly! -He can fly! He can talk! -That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey! You might have seen house fly, maybe even a superfly. But I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Seize him! Get him! This way! Hurry! You there. Ogre. -I. By the order of lord Farquaad. I am authorized to place you both under arrest. And transport you to designated resettlement facility. Oh really? You and what army? Can I say something to you? Listen, you were really, really something, back there. Incredible. Are you talking to... ...me? Yes, I was talking to you. Can I just tell you that you were really great back there with those guards. They thought that was all over there. And then you showed up and BAM. There was tripping on over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. Oh, that's great. Really. Man, it's good to be free. Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? But I... I don't have any friends. And I'm not going out there by myself. Hey wait a minute. I have a great idea... I'll stick with you. You and me in green fighting machine. Together we'll scare the spin if anybody crosses us. Oh, a, that was really scary. Maybe you don't mine me saying. If that don't work, your breath will certainly do the job done, 'cause... you definitively need some tic-tac or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man you've ??? my note! Just like the time... ...and then I ate some rotten berries. Man I had some strong gases leaking out of my but that day. Why are you following me? I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone, there is no one here, beside me. My problems have all gone. There's no one to derive me. But you got to have free ... -Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder, you don't have any friends. Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest. Listen! Little donkey. Take a look at me! What am I? A... ...really tall? No! I'm an Ogre. You know, grab your torch and pitchforks. Doesn't that bother you? Nope. Really? -Really really. Oh? Man, I like you. What's your name? A..., Shrek. Shrek?! But do you know, what I like about you, Shrek? You've got that kind of: "I don't care what nobody thinks of me" thing.

—-🐈 (the parasites got to me)

Why did I read this..

[localskoomaaddict]

um yea anyway

Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful

sort, which could only be broken by Love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a

terrible fire breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful

prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower

for her true love and true love's first kiss. Like that's ever going to happen. What a loony. Shrek

Beware Stay out I think he's in here. All right. Lets get it! Hold on. Do you know what that thing can

do to you? Yeah. He'll groan into your bones for his brains. Well actually that would be a giant. Now

Ogres, huh, they are much worse. They'll make a soup from your freshly peeled skin. They'll chew

your livers, squeeze the jelly from your eyes. Actually, it's quite good on toast. Back, back beast,

back! I warned you! Right. This is the part, where you run away. Yeah! And stay out. Wanted.

Fairytale creatures. Right, this one is full. Take it away. Give me that. Your fine days are over. -25

pieces of silver for the witch. Next. -Come on. Sit down there! And be quiet! This cage is so small.

You wouldn't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please, give me another chance.

Oh, shut up! Next. What do we got? This little wooden puppet. I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy. Five

shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. No! Please, don't let them do it! Next. What do you

got? Well, I've got a talking donkey! Right. Well that's good for ten schillings, if you can prove it. Oh,

go ahead fella. Well? He's just a li..., just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. You

boneheaded donkey! That's it. I have heard enough. Guards! No, no, he talks, he does! I can talk. I

love to talk. I've talked to... Get her out of my sight! -No, no, I swear! Hey, I can fly. -He can fly! -He

can fly! He can talk! -That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey! You might have seen house

fly, maybe even a superfly. But I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Seize him! Get him! This way!

Hurry! You there. Ogre. -I. By the order of lord Farquaad. I am authorized to place you both under

arrest. And transport you to designated resettlement facility. Oh really? You and what army? Can I

say something to you? Listen, you were really, really something, back there. Incredible. Are you

talking to... ...me? Yes, I was talking to you. Can I just tell you that you were really great back there

with those guards. They thought that was all over there. And then you showed up and BAM. There

was tripping on over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.

Oh, that's great. Really. Man, it's good to be free. Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom

with your own friends? But I... I don't have any friends. And I'm not going out there by myself. Hey

wait a minute. I have a great idea... I'll stick with you. You and me in green fighting machine.

Together we'll scare the spin if anybody crosses us. Oh, a, that was really scary. Maybe you don't

mine me saying. If that don't work, your breath will certainly do the job done, 'cause... you

definitively need some tic-tac or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man you've ??? my note!

Just like the time... ...and then I ate some rotten berries. Man I had some strong gases leaking out of

my but that day. Why are you following me? I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone, there is no one

here, beside me. My problems have all gone. There's no one to derive me. But you got to have

free ... -Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder, you don't have any friends. Wow! Only a true friend

would be that truly honest. Listen! Little donkey. Take a look at me! What am I? A... ...really tall? No!

I'm an Ogre. You know, grab your torch and pitchforks. Doesn't that bother you? Nope. Really?

-Really really. Oh? Man, I like you. What's your name? A..., Shrek. Shrek?! But do you know, what I

like about you, Shrek? You've got that kind of: "I don't care what nobody thinks of me" thing. I like

that, I respect that, Shrek. You're all right. Uh, look at that. Who would wanna live in a place like

that? That would be my home. Oh, it is lovely. Just beautiful. You know you're quite a decorator. It's

amazing what you did with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess,

you don't entertain much, do you? I like my privacy. You know I do to. That's another thing, we have

in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You try to give them a hint and they

won't leave. And then there's that big occurred silence, you know? Can I stay with you? -What? Can

I stay with you, please. Of course! -Really? No. -Please! I don't want to go back there. You don't

how is like to be concerned like a freak. Well..., maybe you do. But that's why we have to stick

together! You got to let me stay! Please! Please! OK, OK. -But one night only. -Huh, thank you! A,

what are you do... No! This is going to be fun. We can stay up late, swap the manly stories. And in

the morning... I'm making waffles. Where do I sleep? Outside! Oh, a, I guess that's cool. You know, I

don't know you and you don't know me... ... so I guess, outside is best for me. Here I go. Good

night. I do like that half door. I'm a donkey all alone outside. Sit by myself outside, I guess. I'm all

alone, there's no one here beside me. -I thought, I told you to stay outside. -I am outside. Well

James. This is far from the farm, but what choice do we have? It's not... What a lovely bed. -Got

you! I found some cheese. Awful stuff. -Is that you Gordon? -How did you know? Enough! What are

you doing in my house? Oh, no, no, no... Death prods off the table! Where would we supposed to

put her. The bed's taken. What? I live in a swamp. I've put up signs. I'm a terrifying Ogre! What do I

have to do, to get a little privacy? Oh, no! No, no! What are you doing in my swamp? All right, get

out of here. All of you. Move it! Come on, let's go. And hurry up, hurry up. No, no, not there. Not

there! Hey don't look at me. I didn't invite them. Oh gosh, no one invited us. -What? We were forced

to come here. -By who? Lord Farquaad. He ??? All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?

Oh I do. I know where he is. Does anyone else know where to find him? -Anyone at all? -Me.

-Anyone? Oh pick me, I know! Me, me. Ok, fine. Attention all fairy tale things! Do not get

comfortable. Your welcome is officially warned up. In fact. I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right

now and get all off my land and back where you came from. You. You're coming with me. All right.

That's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stubborn friends off on a world and big city

adventure. I love it. I'm on road again. Sing with me Shrek! I'm on road again... What did I say about

singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Well, can I hummer? -All right. That's enough. He's ready to talk.

Run, run, run as fast as you can, you can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man. You monster. I'm not

a monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairytale trash, poisoning my perfect world. -Now

tell me! Where are the others? -Eat me. I've tried to be fair to you, creatures. Now my patience has

reached its end! -Tell me! Or I'll... -No, no, not the buttons. Not gumdrop buttons. All right! Who's

hiding them? Ok, I'll tell you. -Do you know the muffin-man? -The muffin-man? -The muffin-man.

-Yes, I know the muffin-man. Who lives on Proully lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin-man.

-The muffin-man! -The muffin-man! -She's married to the muffin-man. My lord! We found it. Well

then, what are you waiting for? Bring it in. Magic mirror. Don't tell him anything! Evening. Mirror,

mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? Well, technically, you're not a

king. A..., felonious. -You were saying. -What I mean is a... ...you're not a king, yet. But you can

become one. All you have to do, is marry a princess. Go on. So, just sit back and relax my lord,

because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are. Bachelorette

number one is a mentally abused shading from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and

hottubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for two evil sisters. Please

welcome... Cinderella. Bachelorette number two is a kemp wearing girl from a land of fantasy.

Although she lives with seven other man, she is not easy. Just kiss hers dead frozen lips and find

out what a live wife she is. Come on. Give it up for... Show-white. And last but certainly not least.

Bachelorette number three is a fire-breathing ????, dragon guarded castle, surrounded by a hot

boiling lava. But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes Pina Coladas and getting

cut in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona. So will it be, bachelorette number one?

Bachelorette number two? Or bachelorette number three? -Two... -Three! -Two! One. No, no, no.

Three. Pick number three my lord. Ok, ok. Number three. Lord Farquaad. You've chosen... princess

Fiona. She's nice. Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone... But I probably should

mention little thing that happens at night... -I'll do it! -Yes, but after sunset... Silence! I will make this

princess Fiona my queen. And Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain! Assemble your finest

man. We're going to have a tournament! That's it, that's, right there, that's Duloc. I've told you I'll

find it. So. That must be lord Farquaad's castle. Aha, that's the place. Do you think maybe he's

compensating for something. Hey, hey wait up Shrek! -Hey, you! -No, no! Wait a second. Look, I'm

not gonna eat you. I just... It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? Hey look at this. Wow! -Let's

do that again. -No. no. All right. You're going the right way for smack bottom. Sorry about that. That

champion should have the honor, no, no... ...the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely princess

Fiona from the fireing keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first

runner up will take his place. And so on, and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I'm

willing to make. Applause. Let the tournament begin. What is that? Ugh, it's hideous. Oh, that's not

very nice. It's just a donkey. Indeed. Knights! New plan. The one, who kills the Ogre, will be named

champion. How about him. Oh, hey. Now, come on. Can't we just settle this over a pint? No? All

right then. Come on. Hey Shrek! Let me, let me! The chair! Give him the chair! Thank you. Thank

you, very much. I'm here until Thursday. Try the wheel! Shall I give the order sir? No. I have a better

idea. People of Duloc. I give you our champion! What? Congratulation, Ogre. You've won the honor

of embarking on a great and noble quest. Quest? I'm already on a quest. A quest to get my swamp

back! -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairytale creatures. Indeed. All

right Ogre, I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me and I'll give you your swamp back. Exactly

the way it was? Down to the last slime covered toast tool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone.

What kind of quest? Ok, let me get this straight! We gonna go find the dragon and rescue a princess

just so Farquaad will give you back the swamp, which you only don't have, 'cause he filled it with

full of freaks on the first place. -Is that about right? -You know what? Maybe there is a good reason,

donkeys shouldn't talk. I don't get it Shrek. Why didn't you just pull some old Ogre stuff on them?

You know, ??? . Grab his bones to make you brave. You know the whole Ogre trick. Oh, you know

what. Maybe I could have decapitated entire village and put their heads on plate. Got a knife, cut

open their spleens and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? A, no, not really, no. For

your information, there is a lot more to Ogres than people think. -Example. -Example? OK, A-a-m,

Ogres are like onions. -They stink? -Yes, no. -O, they make you cry. -No. Oh, you leave them out on

the sun and they get all brown and start ??? little wild hairs? No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres

have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. O, you both have layers. You

know not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes. Cakes have layers. I don't care

what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. You know what else everyone likes? Paffe. Have you

ever met a person and you say: "Hey, let's get some paffe" and they say I don't like paffe. Paffe is

delicious. No! You tensed, irritating, miniature peace of barden. Ogres are like onions. End of story.

Bye, bye. See you lather. Paffe is maybe the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. You

know I think I've preferred your humming. Do you have a tissue or something, 'cause I'm making a

mess. Just the word paffe has made me start slimying Why, Shrek, did you do that? Man you got to

warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was opened and everything. Believe me

donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. It's brimstone. We must be getting close. Yeah, right,

brimstone. Don't be talking ??? brimstone. I know what I smell and ??? no brimstone. And they

don't come of stone neither. Sure it's big enough, but look at the location. Oh, Shrek, remember

when you said that Ogres have layers? Oh, yeah. Well, I have a confession to make. Donkeys don't

have layers. We wear ??? sleeves. Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I

mean. -Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of highs. No, I'm just a little uncomfortable of being on a

rickety bridge over boiling lake of lava! Come on donkey, I'm right here beside you. Ok? For

emotional support. We'll just hackle this thing together one little baby step after time. -Really?

-Really really. Ok. That makes me feel so much better. Just keep moving and don't look down.

Don't look down, don't look down. Shrek! I'm looking down! I can't do this. Just let me off right now,

please. -But you're already half way. -Yeah, but I know that half is safe. Ok, fine. I don't have time

for this. You go back. Shrek, no, wait. Don't do that! Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh. This? -Yes, that!

Yes, yes. Do it. OK. -No, Shrek! -I'm doing it. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die.

That will do Donkey, that will do. Cool. So where is this fire breathing pain in the neck anyway?

Inside. Waiting for us to rescue her. I was talking about the dragon Shrek. -Are you afraid? -No, but

shhhhh. Oh, good. Me neither. Because there's nothing wrong with being afraid. Here's a...,

something responsible of the situation. Not to mention dangerous situation. And there's dragon that

breathes fire. I'm sure he's meaner than a cow or anything, but they're scare. You know what I

mean. I'm sure he's heavier than a cow... Donkey. Two things. Ok? Shut, up. Now go over there and

see if you can find any stairs. Stairs? I thought we were looking for the princess. The princess will be

up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. What makes you think she'll be there? I read it

in a book once. Cool. You handle the dragon, I'll handle the stairs. Oh, I'll find those stairs. I'll ???.

That's right. Those stairs won't know which way they go. The drafting stairs, ??? Don't mess with

me. I'm the stair master. I'm master of the stairs. I wish I had a stair right here right here now, I'd

step all over it. Well, at least we know where the princess is. -But where is the... -Dragon! Donkey,

look out! Got you. Oh, what large teeth you have. I mean, white sparkling teeth. You probably hear

this all the time from your food, but you must bleach yourself, because that is one dashing smile you

got there. And do I detect the hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're a girl

dragon. Oh, sure. I mean 'course you're a girl dragon, 'cause you're just ricking the feminine beauty

out. What's the matter with you? Do you have something in your eye? Man, I'd really love to stay,

but you know I'm a asthmatic and I don't know if we would worked out. You'd be blowing smoke

and stuff. Shrek! No, Shrek! Shrek! -Wake up! -What? Are you princess Fiona? I am. Awaiting a

knight so bold as to rescue me. Oh, that's nice. Now let's go. But wait, sir knight. This be our first

meeting. Should not be wonderful, romantic moment? Yeah. Sorry lady there's no time. Hey, what

are you doing? You know, you should sweep me out of my feet. Out through the window and down

the rope by to your valued steed. You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? Uh-um. But we

have to sing through this moment. You can residing of a poem to me. A ballad, a sonnet, a libretti.

Or something. I don't think so. Well, can I at least know a name of my champion? Shrek. So, Shrek.

I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. Thanks. -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's

not my job to do this. Now, come on! But this isn't right. ??? That's what all the other knights did.

Yeah. Right before they burst in the flame. That's not the point. Wait. Where are you going? Exit is

over there. Well, I have to save my ass. What kind of knight are you? One of a kind. ...rush into a

physical relationship. I'm not that emotionally ready for commitment of a this magnitude. That was

the word I was looking for. Magnitude. Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you

doing? Ok, ok, let's just back up a little and take this one step at the time. I mean, we really should

get to know each other first, you know what am I saying. As friends, maybe even as ??? Hey don't

do that. That's my tail. That's ma personal tail. And you're going to tear it off.... Oh, no. No! -It

talks?! -Yeah. It's getting to shut up, that's a trick. Ok, you two. Head for the exit. I'll take care of the

dragon. Ruuuuun! You did it. You rescued me. Amizing, you're wonderful. You're a ... ...a little

unorthodox I admit, but by deed is great and by heart is pure. I'm entirely in your debt. And where

would a brave knight be without his noble steed. I hope you heard that. She called me a noble

steed. She thinks I'm a steed. The battle is won. You may remove your helmet good sir knight. -Aah,

no. -Why not? I have helmet hair. Please. I wouldst look upon the face of my rescuer. Oh, no, you

wouldn't, dust. But, how will you kiss me? What? That wasn't in a job description. -Maybe it's a

perk? -No. It's destiny. You must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and besieged by a

dragon is rescued by a brave knight. And then they share true love's first kiss. With Shrek? You

think, wait... ...you think Shrek is your true love? Well, yes. You think that Shrek is your true love.

What is so funny? Let's just say, I'm not your type, ok? Of course you are. You're my rescuer. Now,

now remove your helmet. Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -I'm

not going to. -Take it off! -No! -Now! -Ok, easy. As you command your highness. You're an Ogre.

Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. Well, yes, actually. Oh no. This is all wrong. You're not

supposed to be an Ogre. Princess, I was sent to rescue you by lord Farquaad, ok? He's the one,

who wants to marry you. Well, then why didn't he come to rescue me? Good question. You should

ask him that, when we get there. But I have to be rescued by my true love. Not by some Ogre and

his pet. Well so much for noble steed. Look princess. You're not making my job any easier. Well I'm

sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me

properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. Hey, I'm no ones messenger boy, all right? -I'm a delivery

boy. -You wouldn't dare. -You coming donkey? -Put me down! Yeah, I'm right behind you. Put me

down or you will suffer the consequences. This is not dignified. Put me down. Ok, here's another

question. Let's say that a woman 'digged' you, but you don't really like her, that way. Now, how you

[eating-the-inedible]

Here's something someone put in the "anything else" box

Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by Love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. Like that's ever going to happen. What a loony. Shrek Beware Stay out I think he's in here. All right. Lets get it! Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? Yeah. He'll groan into your bones for his brains. Well actually that would be a giant. Now Ogres, huh, they are much worse. They'll make a soup from your freshly peeled skin. They'll chew your livers, squeeze the jelly from your eyes. Actually, it's quite good on toast. Back, back beast, back! I warned you! Right. This is the part, where you run away. Yeah! And stay out. Wanted. Fairytale creatures. Right, this one is full. Take it away. Give me that. Your fine days are over. -25 pieces of silver for the witch. Next. -Come on. Sit down there! And be quiet! This cage is so small. You wouldn't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please, give me another chance. Oh, shut up! Next. What do we got? This little wooden puppet. I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy. Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. No! Please, don't let them do it! Next. What do you got? Well, I've got a talking donkey! Right. Well that's good for ten schillings, if you can prove it. Oh, go ahead fella. Well? He's just a li..., just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. You boneheaded donkey! That's it. I have heard enough. Guards! No, no, he talks, he does! I can talk. I love to talk. I've talked to... Get her out of my sight! -No, no, I swear! Hey, I can fly. -He can fly! -He can fly! He can talk! -That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey! You might have seen house fly, maybe even a superfly. But I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Seize him! Get him! This way! Hurry! You there. Ogre. -I. By the order of lord Farquaad. I am authorized to place you both under arrest. And transport you to designated resettlement facility. Oh really? You and what army? Can I say something to you? Listen, you were really, really something, back there. Incredible. Are you talking to... ...me? Yes, I was talking to you. Can I just tell you that you were really great back there with those guards. They thought that was all over there. And then you showed up and BAM. There was tripping on over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. Oh, that's great. Really. Man, it's good to be free. Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? But I... I don't have any friends. And I'm not going out there by myself. Hey wait a minute. I have a great idea... I'll stick with you. You and me in green fighting machine. Together we'll scare the spin if anybody crosses us. Oh, a, that was really scary. Maybe you don't mine me saying. If that don't work, your breath will certainly do the job done, 'cause... you definitively need some tic-tac or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man you've ??? my note! Just like the time... ...and then I ate some rotten berries. Man I had some strong gases leaking out of my but that day. Why are you following me? I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone, there is no one here, beside me. My problems have all gone. There's no one to derive me. But you got to have free ... -Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder, you don't have any friends. Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest. Listen! Little donkey. Take a look at me! What am I? A... ...really tall? No! I'm an Ogre. You know, grab your torch and pitchforks. Doesn't that bother you? Nope. Really? -Really really. Oh? Man, I like you. What's your name? A..., Shrek. Shrek?! But do you know, what I like about you, Shrek?

[pjunicornart]

I got bored so I filled out a HuniePop 2 data sheet for my favorite MtR poly ship.

Yes. There are more. But for now, Neil. Below the image, I wrote out what I thought the dialogue would be after you ask him. (Including the baggage + its effects!)

Drink: "Just plain old water is fine for me. Other stuff doesn't really sit right in my stomach." Ice Cream Flavor: "Aw man, you're gonna make me choose? I love ice cream! I guess if I had to pick one I liked the most... Chocolate!" Music Genre: "Pretty much anything with loud guitars and drums. So, I'll just say rock." Movie Genre: "Call me a nerd all you want, but I love learning new things about random subjects from documentaries." Online Activity: "Eh... I don't really do much online. If I am online, I'm usually watching videos before I go to bed." Phone App: "The music player is enough for me. It plays my music to help keep me focused on my work, so it gets the job done." Type of Exercise: "I started going on night jogs a couple of months ago. It's really refreshing running through the cold night air." Outdoor Activity: "I sit on my butt and lounge in garden. I was never an outdoors-y type person..." Theme Park Ride: "I'm too much of a wuss to go on most of the rides... If my family is at a theme park, you'll find me in the lazy river." Friday Night: "I'm usually so pooped out by the end of my work week that I just flop right into bed and proceed to sleep for ten hours..." Sunday Morning: "Weekend mornings are when I get cozy and catch up on my shows." Weather: "I like the rain. It's very calming." Holiday: "Oh, um... I don't really like the holidays. Too many negative memories associated with them..." Pet: "Dogs! We have one right now! He's the only dog in the park without contacts, ha ha!" School Subject: "How the hell are you even asking me that?! Science! Duh!" Place to Shop: "When I was younger, I'd spend my free time in the school library to escape my bullies. I could spend hours in a cozy bookstore now." Trait in Partner: "I'm really happy I found someone who loves me, and accepts me for who I am. Flaws and all..." Own Body Part: "Who thinks about that kinda stuff? Besides... there's nothing special about my body anyway." Sex Position: "...um... Don't judge, but I like doggy style. But, uh... I like to, y'know... be on the bottom..." Porn Category: "Oh. Wow, okay. That is certainly a question... Well, I've never seen anything crazy... so normal? Wait, isn't that just called vanilla? Vanilla. Final answer."

Baggage Neil: "Hey... just wondering. Do you plan on sticking around?" YN: "Maybe. Why do you ask?" Neil: "I don't know... I guess I'm just making sure I don't get hurt. You know, I wasn't adopted until I was twelve. Even after all these years, I still feel like one day, they're gonna leave me. I know that couldn't be farther from the truth, believe me! But sometimes, when I'm away on business trips, I feel... alone. I don't wanna be abandoned again..." Abandonment Issues - Cornelius will drain 5% of the Total Affection goal every time you switch your focus away from him.

Neil: "Sorry if this is a little personal... but how many people have you, uh... well, y'know... How many people did you do it with?" YN: "I don't really keep track of that sort of thing... but believe me, I've been around." Neil: "Wow... I don't think I could EVER do that! Ha ha! Maybe I'm just a sap, but it takes me a while to let somebody see that side of me. Hey! No problem if that's what you wanna do! I just like to take things a little slower." Old Fashioned - For the first 15 moves of the date, Sexuality Token matches directed at Cornelius will cause him to become upset.

Neil: "I just got wind that one of the inventions we've been working on in the lab failed on them... AGAIN. Ugh, that thing has given us nothing but trouble, I swear..." YN: "Why don't you try working on something else?" Neil: "Uh uh! Don't start with me with that talk! I ain't gonna hear it. I didn't get to where I am now by giving up! I WILL make this invention work. I just have to find another solution." Stubborn - Cornelius will refuse to accept any date gifts until he has at least 40% Passion.

HUNIEPOP AND MEET THE ROBINSONS ARE MY COMFORT THINGS, OKAY?! DON'T JUDGE ME.

Franny... Michael... Lizzy...

[fangfuckingtastic]

Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by Love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. Like that's ever going to happen. What a loony. Shrek Beware Stay out I think he's in here. All right. Lets get it! Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? Yeah. He'll groan into your bones for his brains. Well actually that would be a giant. Now Ogres, huh, they are much worse. They'll make a soup from your freshly peeled skin. They'll chew your livers, squeeze the jelly from your eyes. Actually, it's quite good on toast. Back, back beast, back! I warned you! Right. This is the part, where you run away. Yeah! And stay out. Wanted. Fairytale creatures. Right, this one is full. Take it away. Give me that. Your fine days are over. -25 pieces of silver for the witch. Next. -Come on. Sit down there! And be quiet! This cage is so small. You wouldn't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please, give me another chance. Oh, shut up! Next. What do we got? This little wooden puppet. I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy. Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. No! Please, don't let them do it! Next. What do you got? Well, I've got a talking donkey! Right. Well that's good for ten schillings, if you can prove it. Oh, go ahead fella. Well? He's just a li..., just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. You boneheaded donkey! That's it. I have heard enough. Guards! No, no, he talks, he does! I can talk. I love to talk. I've talked to... Get her out of my sight! -No, no, I swear! Hey, I can fly. -He can fly! -He can fly! He can talk! -That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey! You might have seen house fly, maybe even a superfly. But I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Seize him! Get him! This way! Hurry! You there. Ogre. -I. By the order of lord Farquaad. I am authorized to place you both under arrest. And transport you to designated resettlement facility. Oh really? You and what army? Can I say something to you? Listen, you were really, really something, back there. Incredible. Are you talking to... ...me? Yes, I was talking to you. Can I just tell you that you were really great back there with those guards. They thought that was all over there. And then you showed up and BAM. There was tripping on over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. Oh, that's great. Really. Man, it's good to be free. Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? But I... I don't have any friends. And I'm not going out there by myself. Hey wait a minute. I have a great idea... I'll stick with you. You and me in green fighting machine. Together we'll scare the spin if anybody crosses us. Oh, a, that was really scary. Maybe you don't mine me saying. If that don't work, your breath will certainly do the job done, 'cause... you definitively need some tic-tac or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man you've ??? my note! Just like the time... ...and then I ate some rotten berries. Man I had some strong gases leaking out of my but that day. Why are you following me? I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone, there is no one here, beside me. My problems have all gone. There's no one to derive me. But you got to have free ... -Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder, you don't have any friends. Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest. Listen! Little donkey. Take a look at me! What am I? A... ...really tall? No! I'm an Ogre. You know, grab your torch and pitchforks. Doesn't that bother you? Nope. Really? -Really really. Oh? Man, I like you. What's your name? A..., Shrek. Shrek?! But do you know, what I like about you, Shrek? You've got that kind of: "I don't care what nobody thinks of me" thing. I like that

i'm too high for this rn

[ofpineapplesanddawns]

Maybe 23 with Aro and Peter, please?

Prompt 23: "you saved my life." "not a big d-" "no.you saved it."

I'm gonna go with my hunter au for this, the one where Peter is actually really good at being a hunter and Aro hires him for it.

Warning: injuries, venom-blood, blood, me taking that huge ass fight from the last movie and making it a reality cause fuck that 'it was a vision' thing, I want to see carnage!

On with the fic!

--

This was not one of Aro's better ideas, he could admit to that. Well, only to himself, he'd rather die than speak it aloud, and considering the situation he was in, there was a chance that the former would happen rather than the latter.

He was caught in the grip of those two vampires that just had to ruin everything. Really, he should have killed Bella when he had the chance, his fascination with her lack of response to any vampire gift had died the moment he met Peter, there was no real reason for her to even still be around. Damnit, he was really going to die with more regrets now, wasn't he?

He could feel nails in his skin, the burn of venom leaking from the small wounds as one of them tried to remove his head-

"Get off of him!"

Wait, was that-?!

Edward was suddenly shoved away, and that knocked Bella off. Aro dropped to his back, looking up, seeing his hunter standing there, looking a bit roughed up, blood leaking from a few scratches and scraps. Was he even developing a black eye? He was panting, in his hands a stake and a knife, both dripping with venom.

The shocking thing about Peter, more than him being here after his very loud and angry protests of this meeting being dangerous to everyone, was just how furious he looked. Aro had never seen him so angry before.

"If you know what's good for you," Peter snarled, "for your fuckin' families...! You will back the fuck off of him!"

"Did you not see what he-?" Bella started but Peter only flung the knife, just missing her foot but an inch, it went into the ground deep, Aro wondered how painful that would have been if it had hit her. She was still a new vampire, easier to kill, even if she was stronger at this stage.

"Oh yeah, I saw what the idiot had done, but let's be honest, both sides of this stupid fight were just itchin' to start decapitating each other. And if it wasn't him, it certainly was gonna be one of you doin' it!"

The young couple looked offended, conflicted, and just a bit guilty. There is blood on their hands just as there is on Aro's own from this fight. Hell, the smell of death was all around them, bodies slaughtered and burning, cries of pain and anguish everywhere, no one was winning today.

"Great way to introduce your kid to this world, guys, brilliant job." Peter scoffed.

"What does a human like you even know?" Edward asked, glowering.

"I know enough. And this 'human' isn't exactly easy to take down, your wife ain't the only one who can't be affected by powers here, she's not special." The hunter sniffed, pocketing his stake. "Let's go, Aro, before shit gets worse."

Aro frowned, looking at Peter as he rubbed at his neck, the tears were healed, though there might be scars. "You saved my life."

"Not a big d-"

"No. You saved it." Aro said, getting to his feet. "I... right, let's get going, before we lose more people."

Peter stared at him for a moment, was he aware? Had he seen any terror on Aro's face, at the very thought that he life was nearly snuffed out like a candle's flame if he hadn't arrived in that moment?

Aro would have to speak with him about it later, right now, they needed to go, before the young couple decided to continue what they started.

--

In case you're wondering, Peter was putting on a front, he was fucking downright terrified of being the only human in the middle of that huge battle and only just getting to Aro at the last second. It wasn't exactly easy avoiding all the fighting, he'll have a nice shower and a panic attack later when everything calms down.

Not sure if this event is gonna be canon to the au, but it might.

[masterwords]

ain't no memory that ever gets old (3)

Summary: Hotch is arrested for the murder of Foyet

Warnings: Haley's death, grief, mentions of prior abuse, this is a dark one.

Pairing: Hotch/Morgan.

Words: ~2k

Notes: This is kind of a bridge chapter before the real dark shit happens...sorry guys. I know I abandoned this one for a while for some reasons, but I figured out what I want to do with it and so...we go.

Read on AO3: ain't no memory that ever gets old

**

Home for the foreseeable future would be the county jail. The BAU and his lawyers were pushing his sentencing and trial out as far as they could to try and alter his course, but after reviewing his security clearances and connections in high places, Hotch was deemed a flight risk and denied bail. That didn't surprise him in the least, somehow he'd expected it. He'd been on the other side, he was a prosecutor who pushed for these things all the time just to make things simpler. If you kept the suspect under lock and key, you didn't have to work quite so hard to keep them there. Often they'd act out, they'd prove your point for you, and even if they didn't...well they were already right there and you wouldn't have to go searching for them only to find they'd tried to disappear. Besides, if the opportunity presented itself during his illustrious prosecuting career, he would have done just the same. Furthermore, he had no intention of arguing or fighting for it no matter how Derek urged him, begged him. “Your lawyer can...”

“No.” He didn't elaborate. Hotch was about the most self-possessed man Derek had ever known, and there was no end to the frustration it caused over the years as he did his level best to get to know him. He was just as unlikely to show you the good as he was the bad, he was even and laconic. Even now, with his hands in cuffs, he said nothing. Derek thought it was perhaps for Jack's sake that he didn't fight. If he came home, he'd have to explain to Jack what happened and the threat of prison would still hang over his head every day. Better this way, where Jack could seek comfort in Jessica and the Brooks family. He just had to trust that they wouldn't trash him too terribly in the meantime.

He trusted, willingly, that he would not (could not) be convicted. He didn't plan what happened, he knew that everything that transpired would eventually be known and would set him free. Whatever time that took, he would take it. He could use some time to settle with the demons in his head, at least.

Fighting and showing anger, he knew, would do nothing but serve to make him look more and more like the monster they were portraying him as. He'd beaten a man to death with his bare hands, aggression wasn't going to serve him here. So he looked at Derek, and Derek knew he'd get nothing else. “I won't stop fighting for you,” Derek said, finally resigning himself to the same knowledge. Accepting it, even if he hated it. Hotch nodded.

“I know.”

That was the plan, anyway. County lock-up didn't sound so bad. The building was fresh and new, tax payer dollars hard at work, but as luck would have it they were all booked up and couldn't hold him. Derek once again pleaded with him to fight for bail, he'd post it himself that instant, but Hotch insisted it wasn't going to do him any good and it would certainly not do Jack any good. “But in prison you'll...” Derek didn't need to finish that sentence. Hotch knew. But he was being charged with a violent crime, a felony that could carry a life-sentence if the prosecutor was any good at their job. He'd shake it, he was still certain of that, but only just barely. In the meantime, if the county clink was going to kick anyone up the road to the federal penitentiary to await trial, it was him.

“The Bureau is insisting you be put in protective custody,” Dave said, standing before Hotch as he prepared for transport. “Whether they're able to is still unknown. There isn't anything I can say to convince you that this is suicide? That you should fight for bail?”

“Nothing,” was his automatic response. He'd given it plenty of thought by this point, it having already sunk in. The horror had somehow dimmed over the hours, now it only felt like some hand of fate was setting all of the pieces in place, ready to knock down at will. He was following the current. It was faster and stronger than he was, and he'd known somehow since 1998 when he first lay eyes on The Reaper's case that it was part of him. Now, more than ever, he was certain. Or he was just okay with it.

His laconic demeanor had already damned him with the FBI, and again with the judge who denied him bail. He must be guilty if he doesn't show emotion, it all sounds rehearsed or planned. The only time he seemed to show any emotion was one ragged breath when he was speaking to his lawyer about finding Haley's body, finding her eyes wide open, and that smell. God, that smell. He would never forget it.

They said he showed no remorse, and that was true. He felt no remorse for beating Foyet's skull in. Maybe he would have preferred that it be one clean shot between the eyes, something more defensible, but the choice in how he did it was far above his pay grade. He took his shots, Foyet took his, they battled it out and he was eventually the gladiator who walked out of the Colosseum. Stumbled might be a better way to describe it. His head still felt funny over a week later, like someone had opened up his skull, sent his brain through a blender, and poured it back in. But he was thinking clearer and the headaches only really happened when he lay down at night, so whatever concussion he'd sustained was easing up slowly.

“Penelope has already created some sort of a schedule to come and visit you, I thought you might like to know that.”

“Please don't,” he said, and it was the first time he'd said more than one word in so long he almost forgot how it felt. But he had more. “It's going to be difficult enough.” He didn't say for whom, or why, Dave could form his own conclusions there. For him, for them, for everyone. He'd rather turn around and be alone until the day they told him he was free. Cutting all ties to the outside would make it cleaner inside, that was what he'd learned through years of custodial interviews. Sure, knowing people out there loved you, sent you money, cared whether you lived or died had its perks but at night when everything was dark and the men howled and cried out to God to save their souls, it only hurt worse. Lying on your thin mattress, freezing and crying, it made it worse.

When it was Derek's turn to say goodbye, they only stared. Will had pulled some strings to make sure everyone got their chance who wanted it, and it turned out to be only Dave and Derek in the end. Emily accompanied Dave, but she refused to go in and see him, talk to him. He appreciated it.

“Derek,” he began quietly in earnest. There was little time and he had to be fast. “This could take a long time. Don't wait for me. Please.”

“Don't...don't wait for you? What the hell does that mean?”

Hotch only stared at him, his eyes piercing and cold. Derek knew he wouldn't be getting a goodbye kiss but he could be angry about it just the same. The audacity of that man to think he'd just give up on him, on this.

“Don't give me that bullshit.”

It went about as well as Hotch had anticipated, with Derek's staunch refusal to see other people while Hotch was locked up. Hotch didn't have any doubt that Derek meant it, at least for now, but if they couldn't clear him of these charges? If he was sentenced? The offer was still right there on the table. And now that ugly thing settled in the space between them as Derek solemnly stood by Hotch's side while they checked his cuffs and went over his information one more time. They would load him on that transport bus and he'd be gone soon. He would belong to the State of Virginia, no longer brimming with freewill and self. He would be a number on a piece of paper.

“Protective custody,” Derek asked Will while they walked Hotch out the door with three other prisoners on their way. Will sighed.

“I'm workin' with the Warden now. It looks good to start with, but we'll see how long it lasts. We gotta send anymore guys from this lockup down there and might not be any protective to speak of.”