#cause it certainly ain't your jobs i know that
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101maverick · 7 months ago
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Hi! Saw your newest post, so thought I might as well try to help with your writers block :)
How about headcanons of the bat boys dating a broke reader? Alternatively, batboys x bimbo!reader?
Hope this helps you get out of your slump, enjoy the rest of your day and take your time if you ain't up for it :]
A/n: Tysm for the request! Hope you enjoy :)
Dick Grayson
Being resident in Bludhaven, he's financially independent and certainly not rich. He refuses to depend on Bruce.
This means he hasn't got any trust fund money to give you, but he'd definitely help you out any way he can
He'd buy you practical gifts as well as normal ones whenever he's got the chance, and if you're living together the way you divide the living costs would definitely be proportional to your spending power
Dick isn't rich but he's not broke either: the average annual salary for cops in the us is roughly $66.000, but he owns the two-bedroom apartment you live in so the only thing you guys need to pay is taxes and bills, no rent to worry about. You're also not at home for most of the day, seeing as he works as a cop and you have your own job that takes up a good chunk of your day, so the electricity bill isn't very high.
I personally think Reader would not enjoy not having to pay for anything seeing as the money comes out of Dick's own pocket, so she'd at the very least insist on paying for groceries and helping out more in the house with laundry, dishes, cleaning et cetera, to even out the responsibilities as much as possible
He'd support you as much as possible if you're getting a degree, he'd be like your own personal cheerleader, and after you get it he'd organise this huge surprise graduation party for you and then help you get a job in the field of your degree
like if you became a lawyer he'd hook you up with some judges/attorneys he knows aren't corrupt and get you a job in their law firm (paid intern of course, after having worked so hard you want to make it yourself in the world)
I think you two would have tons of fun at the thrift! You wouldn't feel bad about him insisting to spend his money, and you would have the best time just perusing the racks and laughing at all the insane stuff you find plus trying on some genuinely nice clothes
One thing he splurges on though is making sure you have a state-of-the-art home gym, in fact that is why he buys your building's basement and equips it with every work-out machine under the sun plus a trapeze and equipment to practice a ton of other dynamic sports of the sort
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Jason Todd
He's a crime lord so it's safe to say this dude is filthy rich
He obviously doesn't show it though and apart from having a lot of it as an emergency fund for when he needs to defend himself in gang wars I believe he anonymously donates the rest to charities
I go with the canon of Jason being catholic so I believe he gives to the Church, but it could obviously be something else like one of the many Wayne foundations (cause as much as he holds a grudge against his father he knows he's obviously not corrupt and actually helps people)
apart from this he definitely still has a lot of money
He'd refuse to see you struggle financially
He's been through that, he knows how awful it is and does not hear no for an answer when he goes to hand you insane amounts of cash
If you live together then he makes sure to get a nice apartment in the respectable parts of town, blending in with the rest of the neighbourhood to make sure the location is safe and as untraceable as possible
He handles everything and refuses to even let you pay for groceries, insisting that you concentrate on your studies and not worry about having to sustain yourself
To him you guys being a team means that you hold each other up any way you can, and you already support him immensely just by being by his side and loving him, so to him this is just doing his part and supporting you (on top of loving you like crazy of course)
One thing he'd do is make sure your house has enough space to host an insane amount of books though
On this topic I think he'd absolutely spoil you with book hauls, just taking you to every book store you can find and buying piles and piles of books
I'm talking those beautiful gold-leaf covered editions of centuries-old classics, and it doesn't matter if you already have the stories per-se in your library cause it's the edition that matters in this case, ya know?
Like sometimes you want to feel regal and distinguished reading the gold-lined hardcover Commedia, sometimes you want to feel quirky with your penguin edition Jane Eyre, other times you just want to embrace your inner sewer rat and read Macbeth from the shitty mass-produced paperbacks and Jason acknowledges and embraces it
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Tim Drake
Tim, like Jason, is also filthy rich, in virtue of being the owner of Drake Industries and the representative C.E.O. for Bruce at Wayne Enterprises
You'd both live in his Nest, and given the horrendous amount of electricity it consumes it's all already paid for by his company so no need to worry about that
He would only accept "payment" for everything he does for you in the form of you making sure he goes to sleep at decent amounts of time when he's elbow-deep in a case (and tons of love, obviously)
Like Jason, he'd just hands you wads of cash
EXCEPT! He does it for the most mundane stuff. Timothy Jackson Drake is a nepo baby, no way around that. Sure, while he spent his time stalking Batman and Robin through the rougher parts of Gotham he learnt street-safety 101, but he always carried anything he needed for those nightly strolls in his backpack, and he never really learned the real value of money. "$2.70 for a small bottle of water? Sounds reasonable!" is his thought process to this day.
You two would often have these moments of 'culture shock', with Tim slowly discovering how much things should cost every time you two go out to run errands together and you discovering about the insane things the rich buy and do just because Tim decided to recount some childhood stories/told you about some stuff socialites did ad a gala
Since I think Tim's love language is quality time I think he'd take you on these absurd trips whenever possible, that to you are to absurd places but to him it's a very normal trip because "my parents always went there twice a year? It's an extremely normal vacation spot?" Meanwhile it's the Maldives or a private island in Greece or something
This being Tim you also HAVE to have a state-of-the-art phone, with tons of features you will never need to use since you're a civilian but it makes him more at ease, knowing that if the need arises you have the ability to disarm a bomb with the click of a button on your display
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Damian Wayne-Al Ghul
Oh he'd absolutely refuse to have you living anywhere but a castle
It'd take convincing for him to have you living in anything less than a penthouse in the diamond district
He's not against the idea of you working, but he doesn't think that it's necessary for you to slave away at a minimum-wage job while you could be spending all your time in luxury while studying for your degree
After you get your degree he'd help you find a job at one of the most important places for your specialisation, pulling the needed strings just to make sure your resume isn't overlooked (nothing more, he's of the idea that his partner should be strong, plus he believes you to be extremely capable and so thinks that pulling strings to get you the job would be a disservice and an offence to you)
Absolutely spoils you with gifts, and by that I mean: clothes, jewellery, if you like cars he'll buy you a carpark, anything you look at for more than two seconds he'll buy
Damian's way of showing love is through gestures, so you rejecting his gifts would hurt him and he'd take it to mean that you are rejecting him/are unsatisfied with him
Like with Tim, you both would have "Culture shocks" over stuff like the worth of money, lifestyle and stuff like that
Because Damian is basically a royal (or at the very least was raised like one, I don't know what's happened to the LoA in current canon) I think he'd lowkey try to get you an armed guard for when you need to go out as a sign of love lol
"Damian I've been feeling watched while going out as of late" "Don't worry Beloved, that's just the armed guard" "Oh ok-I'm sorry what?!"
Things like anniversaries, birthdays and big events are celebrated in the most lavish settings but in a private way still, like he'll absolutely spoil you and take you to visit this super famous castle for your birthday, matter of fact he'll rent it out for the occasion
For real he does this because when you're alone he can be himself and he loves doing that when you're both experiencing something that makes you happy-- But! Those are head canons for another time hehe >:)
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Bruce Wayne
I believe he's the only one in the bat family who knows the worth of money while having being rich his entire life (ya know, having to use all the disguises he does and going undercover as a normal person a lot of the time)
He definitely offers you a job at Wayne Enterprises, and if you accept he agrees to keeping your relationship under wraps so that no one will start saying that you 'sleep with him for the job'
On that topic if the relationship ever goes public and people start saying that, he will fire them without hesitation
And if it's business partners joking with him about it, he won't stop dealing with them for the sole purpose of covertly crippling their reputation so badly they'll have no choice but to sell their companies to him
You obviously live with him at the Manor, and he insists that everything be paid for by himself only (ya know, richest man in New Jersey and probably the world soooo....)
Bruce is really bad with his emotions, he tends to really repress them whenever he deems them something he's not 'worthy' of feeling or whenever he perceives he has failed at something or failed someone, so the mere fact he confessed his feelings towards you and that he doesn't shun your love is a huge step forward for him. This doesn't mean that he's good at expressing his emotions when he doesn't repress them though, especially not with words.
This is why his main love languages are gift-giving and acts of service, because he shows his love through actions.
Gift-giving as an important love language for him happens because he's very busy both during the day and the night, so sometimes your schedules just don't align or he even has to go off-world with the Justice League and stuff, so he 'makes up' those missed acts of service with lavish gifts
Usually this could be seen as 'throwing money at the problem and hoping it fixes itself' but the thing is that Bruce's gifts are pretty much always spontaneous. He's out and about in his public persona or patrolling as batman, and he sees a storefront with something that reminds him of you or that he thinks you would like. The next logical step is obviously buying it for you as soon as possible and getting it to the manor. Because Bruce is really bad at showing it but the people he loves are always at the forefront of his mind (when he's not being an asshole and repressing his emotions as if the fate of humankind depended on his ability to give his family the cold shoulder and communicating only in grunts and sighs)
———————————— A/n: this was so fun! I love writing head canons because there is no pressure with story flow and how much description and feeling you're putting into it, it's very similar to sharing your thoughts with a friend and that's what endears the format to me so much :) Hope you enjoyed! If you like my work, please consider reblogging and checking out my other works through the master list in my pinned post<3 Love you all🩷
Total word count: 2009
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octuscle · 9 months ago
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My professor gave me a zero on my essay for no reason! I did the work! When I asked him why he said that it was because I was a jock and jocks always fail his class. It’s time for payback!
Seriously, what do you expect from a professor of German studies named Dr. Kurt-Heinrich Schulte Obermeier? He's a Westphalian lateral thinker with Prussian discipline oozing from his every pore. Immaculate hairstyle, perfectly fitting suits, first-class pressed shirts. Handkerchief and tie always coordinated with great taste. A luminary in matters of German post-war literature. And an asshole as a professor.
I am a natural scientist. Sort of. According to my self-image as a support staff member. I'm of the opinion that the world isn't a worse place with one less Germanist in it. If he spends his time on meaningful things instead of Günther Grass.
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When he wakes up the next morning, he feels fresh and rested. Dr. Kurt Obermeier is one of the youngest research assistants to have ever worked at your university. He is cool. He knows he's clever. But he's a good tutor and even if he's always dressed a bit stuffy, you can have fun with him. Rather atypical for a German studies student, you can even meet him in the sports bar in the evening. When the German soccer league is on.
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Curt Meier is a WASP like no other. Although half of him is not Anglo-Saxon but German. That's why he decided to study business administration and German studies. Out of pure interest. He doesn't need to earn any money anyway, he lives off his parents' money. And he lives off the occasional modeling job. Curt is New England incarnate. Cultured, educated. And in his beauty, he is unfortunately also a little boring. But what do you expect from someone who plays cricket?
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Yo, dude! Check it out, this Curtis Meyers guy, man, he's like, totally not fitting in at the uni, you know? Button-down shirts? Rugby shirts? That ain't his vibe at all. He's all about football jerseys, bro. But honestly, he only throws those on when he has to. In German studies? Forget about it. The professor thinks he's gotta dress fancy? Ridiculous, man! If they kicked him out for that, he'd be damn happy. He only picked this damn major 'cause he thought it was gonna be all about Thor and Wotan and all those badass demigods, you feel me? They're awesome. But Rilke and Heine? Hell no. And their language, man! Who the hell came up with that? Must've had a sunstroke that day, dude. Oh, and what's up with the sun? Time to link up with the boys and toss some balls on the field...
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Mike Curtis hated university, man. Those snobby dudes there were just dumbasses and annoying as hell. Too dumb to take out the trash properly. Too lazy to clean up their own mess. Keeping the campus clean was a crappy job. He especially hated that German Studies building. Full of stuck-up know-it-alls. All a bunch of weaklings. Supposedly Mike had some German great-grandfather or something. What a load of crap! What kind of dumbass has two last names? Anyway, Mike supposedly got his German looks from him. Also bullshit! That was all sweat and hard work in the gym. Mike didn't inherit nothing. He earned everything he got. And he was damn proud of it!
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Mike is not a jock in the strict sense of the word. But certainly more than Professor Dr. Schulte Obermeier. I don't think you have anything more to fear from him, Bro. As long as you separate the garbage properly.
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frostbitemutt · 4 months ago
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some Jack marston hcs? Low honor more specifically 👀
Oh dear. But, Yes. Yes I will. This is low honor. Don't expect anything less than awful 💀.
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Yandere! Low honor! Jack Marston hcs
Warnings: gender neutral darling, yandere trope, forced "relationship", obsession, stalking, harassment, unwanted crude flirting, perverted comments, non-consensual kissing and touching mentioned (nothing explicit), breaking and entering, kidnapping, violence, murder, sadism
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Main traits:
|perverted/possessive/violent/sadistic|
✘ John Jack Marston Jr. Better to just call him Jack. A raunchy 19 year old trying to imitate his less than a saint father. On track to being an outlaw... yeah.. you're pretty fucked. He's an absolute little shithead.
✘ I'm going to assume you're a local townsfolk, maybe a store clerk, farmer, or maybe you're just his neighbor. You'll know when you've caught his eye. He makes it more than clear. Hounding you around town. Cat-calling you.
✘ His comments are perverted "They tell me I'm at my sexual peak sweetheart..", "Come on, just one kiss.", "are you are aroused as I am?".. and other comments. Very much to your dismay. Dosen't matter your gender. The perversion dosen't stop at words. If you don't have your curtains shut.. you may have to deal with a peeping Tom. His hands wander where they shouldn't, attempting to grab at you, pull you in close enough for him to kiss.
✘ He's possessive of you. You're not in a relationship. Hell you're not even friendly with him. You're definitely less than that. He still feels you're his regardless of the fact you hate his ass. No other man or woman needs to be looking or touching up on you. That's his job. Not theirs. He won't stand by and let someone else harrass you either. To him it's only okay when he does it. Hypocrite. Threatening, dueling, and shooting people left and right.
✘ Just like his daddy, he's violent. Wouldn't John be proud? Probably not. I already mentioned him shooting randos down. Your friends? They're found with a ludicrous amount of bullet holes. Lover? Yeah their head got blow clean off with a shotgun, sorry. You ain't off the hook either. He'll tackle you to the ground and manhandle you in a fit of anger. He'll shout real loud too. Sudden and explosive is how his temper runs.
✘ Sadism is something that shines through a bit in Jack. Now he's not going out of his way to harm or hit you most of the time, unless he's feeling petty. Maybe he'll give you a mildly harsh kick to your side. However that dosent mean he isn't at all. Your tears, your screams, your sobs, and your insults...make him feel all funny inside as he'd put it. Yuck. He'll laugh and snort at you most of the time. Mocking you and your fear. Maybe even make some pig noises at you to add some salt to the wound. Calling out "Sooie!".
✘ You swear, you wake up at least once a week to a weird noise in your home. Window or door suddenly cracked open, not even cracked, more like wide open. Yet you can't find no one. Oh, yeah, mutiple items go missing too. Lots of clothes. Toothbrush. Notebooks if you got any. Were there always boot prints in your carpet? Your bed feel oddly warm? Nope. It was Jack. Who else.
✘ Escape is certainly.. difficult when he goes to kidnap you. He abuses the fuck out of his lasso. Running away on foot? Lasso. On horse? Get the fuck over here. Lasso. Move more than 30 feet from him? Lasso. That point he's doing it cause he thinks it's funny. Unfortunate for you. Not to downplay the fear that comes with it. Thinking you're free, only to be yanked off your horse and hogtied to the back of his.
✘ It's all much worse when he has you isolated, in his home. No police you can snitch to, bystanders to chase him off, or neighbors of yours to questioning him snooping about. He's dosen't bother restraining himself, he was barely before. Sloppily kissing you, hands grasping wherever he can, shoving you against the nearest solid surface. It's vile.
✘ You'll have to endure more of his tantrums than ever. Grumbling when you refuse to talk to him, because why would you want to? Pouting and stomping his foot when you push him away from you. Going on rants when you won't stop crying. His mood changes day from day. Luckily after a bit you might be able to read his face and tell when he's about to to blow a fuse. You can brace yourself for his delusional complaining.
✘ Don't loose all hope. Escape is possible. Now I'm not going to say Jack's stupid, he isn't. However we're still talking about a 19 year old. (I'm almost 19 I can throw shade). He doesn't have a plethora experience like his dad or an older outlaw. He's a new adult on a violent power trip. If he leaves the house, check the locks, he might have forgotten one. Try to knock him unconscious in his sleep or.. more permanent if you're absolutely certain you can. That's the more risky option. If you can act well enough, you can possibly convince him to let you outside with him. If he does? Book it.
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jacks347 · 4 months ago
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I MISSED THE NEW BVZ PREMIERE (THANKS JOB)
So now y'all get my live reaction! (I've never done one of these before, this is gonna be fun)
SPOILERS AHEAD IF YOU HAVEN'T WATCHED IT
Intro is great as always, I love this song so much
Here we go~
WHO?? WHAT??
OFF TO A STRONG START
"Lack of cooperation" My guy it's Albus, that's literally his entire thing
On your family?? YOU LEAVE FAITH OUT OF THIS (and Kerano and Devlin)
OH??
HI DEVLIN WHAT
That design is so good, Glowbat you wonder
Plot twist #1, I expect many more
We're not even 5 minutes in, this post is going to be a fucking Bible-
Does Devlin have freckles?? Did he always have freckles?? Beautiful
Oh Devlin got sassy during the break I like :P
Of course he calls for his brother, the strongest person he knows how sweet <3
Miracle of faith, in more ways than one
Oo, that sounds painful
~DINNER BREAK~
ALBUS! LANGUAGE!
Ooo scary protective Albus
"My brothers. My battalion." Oh-
Aaaaand there's the Albus we know and love XD
"Fuck you and your hat!" Pfft you leave Devlin's fedora alone XD
Oh, back to our regularly scheduled program
Waiter I'm afraid you got some capitalism in my cowboy fantasy
GIMME CROSSBOW I WANT A CROSSBOW
I don't even think Albus knows where Albus went, he just heard his brother calling and left
Ewwwww TMI Albus
LIGHTSABER?? WHO LET ALBUS PICK UP A LIGHTSABER
Oo who's at the door? And why do I not trust it-
Oh it's just Devlin-
Uh oh, Albus has to explain his family~
Hi Mahatma! I still don't entirely trust you!
Why am I playing organizing Tetris-
...oops
"Can I ask you something?" I mean you just did so-
"Do you ever feel...powerless?" Well ain't this a pleasant conversation
"Like you can't save the people you care about" WELL AIN'T THIS A PLEASANT CONVERSATION
Look at Hipswitch showing off his detective skills! I'm so proud
Oh? What's on that ship??
Oh god not more new characters-
The mafia's back that's not good-
Why is the mafia fighting the Triad I'M SCARED
THE MAFIA SHOT DOWN THE PALADIN SHIPS?? WHY?? I DON'T LIKE WHERE THIS IS GOING
Another point to the man that can't even fuckin read that he's just a tad bit stupid :P
Boys, boys! You're both pretty stop yelling XD
"Interesting" is certainly a word for it Doc, wait until you hear about the woman they're both in love with-
"Caused any distress" ...do you hear yourself Devlin?
...awkward silence...
Paladins of Cindergorn eh? Looks like we are gonna learn about Faith today
Devlin being a smartypants, Hipswitch giving the most sass I've ever heard in a single sentence, this is great
Ewww I hated everything about that metaphor
"Something doesn't feel quite right" Of course it doesn't because nothing here is ever simple
WHY IS DEVLIN CHANGING COLORS??
"Is there anything else you can actually swallow?" ...Doc that is the wrong person to ask
"Oh...eugh" 10/10 Love that reaction XD
Poor Devlin, he spent enough time single-handedly running a ship-
When did Albus attempt to learn to cook?? And why??
"Don't worry about me" Faith's healer senses are tingling
"I saw you get goosebumps, did I scare you?" Honey considering how this story is going I don't think it was fear-
HIPSWITCH THIS IS NOT THE POSITION YOU WANT TO BE IN WHEN DEVLIN GETS BACK
Oh the secondhand embarrassment is crawling up my spine and it hasn't even happened yet
Please God get off of him before I explode-
And we're safe thank god
"You don't trust him at all, do you?" Would you if you were in my position?
This is really just the backstory episode isn't it
Albus, the hired gun where his last job got him killed, wasn't too keen on being a bounty hunter until he saw the paycheck. Okay that stings a little-
"I'm sure they're fine" *Cut to them being very not fine*
Devlin proudly proclaiming he can't read, 10/10 tension diffused
"We won't tell a soul, right partner?" Sir I couldn't even if I wanted to my mouth is literally just for decoration at this point (don't take that out of context-)
Destroy a sacred scripture surrounded by Paladins of Cindergorn, a certain priestess just felt her eye twitch
Yes Doc, show off that psychology degree you worked so hard for (hi I'm a psych student so it's also the degree *I'm* working so hard for)
"Is Devlin a father?" He's not just a stepdad, he's a dad who stepped up 💪 (that was so bad forgive me-)
Devlin...what did you do...
Okay I do not trust any of what just happened, what are you after Devlin?
Oh god the mafia's back
DOGS?? OH GOD PLEASE NO
NOT DOC!! ALBUS SOUNDS SO WORRIED
Show em what you're made of Albus
Don't talk to Albus like he doesn't know what being trained from birth to be someone's dog is like-
Devlin's going through it again, someone save the poor boy from his flashbacks
Y'know, Redacted being the one getting killed instead of doing the killing is rather cathartic in a bittersweet kind of way
Time to rewrite history! Again!
"What exactly can he do?" Great question, I'll tell you when I find out
Oh great, GB's back on his villain shit what piece of lore are we getting today
I don't trust that music, what's about to happen and is it a sand worm like this is Star Wars (we already had a lightsaber it wouldn't shock me)
I KNEW IT!! ASK ME HOW I KNEW GO ON ASK
WHO IS THE MAN IN THE MASK I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS
"I have someone for this kind of thing" Yes go visit your wife and her special bandage technique :D
"Is it a hooker?" "No! It's not a hooker!" He sounded so offended for her, I love that
:O Let someone else fix you up?? And betray wife?? Wait no Wife is Gienne (hello GB Twitch chat :P)
Where's Faith I saw the cast list where is she
WHAT DO YOU WANT YOU BIRD NOSE FREAK
:D KERANO BABY
Oh that art is adorable
SHE CALLS HIM DAD MY HEART IS GONNA EXPLODE
Oop there's Faith-
And Kerano calls her Mom ughhhhh I'm not gonna make it y'all
"It's been x amount of time" Kerano I love you
"Death is too good for him" Yikes
"That's a relief!" "It is?" Pfft-
Faith went from furious to worried in 2 seconds hearing about Albus, that's our girl
"You didn't tell him about your father's death" HEH?? HONEY YOU DIDN'T TELL *ME* ABOUT HIS FATHER'S DEATH WTF I THOUGHT WE WERE IN THIS TOGETHER FAITH
Oh poor Devlin :(
"I miss him, Faith" Is that the first time we've ever heard Devlin call her by her name? Back in BW he always just called her Sister
Awww hug him for me Faith
Oh yeah, Faith is the only who can actually read-
"Something called Operation Sub Delta" ...what
Oh my god don't read it Faith please god don't read it
And she's reading it-
"You just want an excuse to see him again" Oh look, he's reading the thoughts of the fandom (YES WE WANT ALBUS TO SEE HIS WIFE AGAIN SO SUE US)
"I've actually met someone" EXCUSE ME?? DEVLIN YOU HOE WHO IS IT??
"Look at my choice in men" Ah so she realizes it XD
Come on Faith, connect the dots, I know you're smart enough
And she's done it
Who is Agent and what the hell is happening
Uh oh-
They have the files of the subjects that Devlin doesn't
Which means they can use Albus like their own weapon by probing his training like Kravatas did
Oh I really don't like where this is going
WHAT??
THAT'S THE END??
YOU CAN'T JUST END IT ON THAT WHAT THE HELL
Oh my god this series really loves throwing me for loops doesn't it
OKAY ENDING THOUGHTS
Absolute 100000/10 episode GB you madlad you've done it again
Was completely worth the wait, love seeing the whole cast together again including our new players!
The art is flawless, I expected nothing less of Glowbat
Keep doing what you do you mad genius GB, I'll be holding my breath for the next one (try not to kill me I can't do another 4 months-)
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gracegrove · 1 year ago
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TW 70s era use of the word "queer"
Neil Hargrove doing a very working-class thing by volun-telling Billy that he will be spending his summer as a 14-year-old doing hard manual labor on a job site with some random ass uncle he didn't even know he had until one morning over dry Cheerios.
Neil drops him off at Uncle Matt's in Anaheim with a backpack and a duffel bag. See ya in September. "Don't cause your uncle any trouble," he warned with a thick grip on the shoulder before he took off for the interstate.
Billy stared at the man with hard eyes, his arms crossed in defiance. "You're not my real Uncle..."
The man chortled, ash sprinkling from the thick cigar chomped in his teeth. "Ya think so, tough guy?" He chuckled some more, waving for Billy to come inside.
Uncle Matt was a large man, as wide as he was tall. The furniture groaned when he sat down, casually kicking off his work boots and shrugging out of his suspenders as he picked up the can of beer from the side table.
"So Willy..." "It's Billy." Uncle Matt gave him a toothy grin. "Billy," he corrected, "Ya ever work a day in yer life?"
Billy sat on the corner of the couch, as the man took a long sip from his Coors. "Kinda. I mow lawns n' stuff."
Matt chuckled, "Ya ain't gonna be mowing no fucking lawns here! This is gonna be hardass work kid. Best get some sleep now..."
Billy rolled his eyes and headed off to the bedroom he was given.
After the first month, Billy and Uncle Matt fell into a routine. Matt's wind-up alarm clock was grating and shrill enough to wake Billy before Matt got two extra snores in at sunrise. The pair shared toast, eggs, and Folger's instant before heading out to the job site.
Billy's hands had gotten rough and calloused. Blistered and scabbed over more times than he could count.
"Hey Billy!" Matt called out over the ending shift horn. Billy slung the hammer in his grip onto the loop of his jeans and began climbing down the ladder. "Yah?"
"We're gonna have some company over tonight for dinner. My bookkeeper, Dan. So play nice." Billy smiled wryly. "I always play nice."
Things seemed a bit odd when dinnertime began rolling around. Uncle Matt was combing and carefully parting his hair in the mirror and was that the stench of aftershave on his beard?
Also for the first time in his life, Billy discovered what a tablecloth looked like as Matt carefully smoothed it across the dining room table. Billy crinkled his nose in suspicion, "Dan's a woman."
Matt barked out a laughed. "You're a hoot kid! Wait till Dan hears that!"
The doorbell rang and Matt stood up straight, smoothing his shirt. "Billy, can you set the plates out while I get the door?" Billy squinted at him, as the man hurried out of the room.
Peeking his head around the corner Billy snuck a glance at their guest.
Dan was not what Billy was expecting and he certainly wasn't a woman either. Dan was an average man of average height. He had shaggy brown hair and a thick mustache to boot. His face was set with round thick-rimmed glasses. What was so special about Dan that they had to have dinner with him?
The men hugged at the door, the embrace uncharacteristic of how Billy believed men should act around each other. They regarded each other warmly. "I'm so glad you came," Matt said quietly. "Me too. I've missed you."
Scurrying back, Billy quickly set the table and sat down, his heart thundering. He suddenly felt like he shouldn't be here. Like he was now a part of a horrible secret.
"Billy, this is Dan." Matt introduced as they entered the room. Billy awkwardly rose from his chair, weakly shaking his hand. "H-hey."
"Why don't you two have a seat and I'll fetch the chow, huh?" Matt said happily, a hand on Dan's shoulder.
"Oh, I'll help!" Billy forcibly stated, rushing into the kitchen.
Matt raised an eyebrow, "Ok..."
In the kitchen, Billy was nervously wringing his hands around a hot pad as Matt entered. "Are you a queer?" he blurted out, regretting it in an instant.
Matt set down the crockery he had set to take in. "I am Billy. Does that make you uncomfortable?"
Billy twisted the hot pad back and forth in his hands, "I... – I don't know. It's like..." He was struggling, his nose scrunching and his eyes watering up. "You're... you're not supposed to."
Uncle Matt ripped a paper towel off the rack and handed it to Billy. "It's okay tough guy, you don't gotta figure it all out right now. If you wanna have dinner in your room you can."
Billy shook his head, blowing his nose loudly. "But you made all this, and... you're real nice, and... –"
"... a damned queer." Matt added with a deadpan delivery. "Just don't tell your father, he'd have a heart attack."
Billy laughed.
"Now c'mon. Chow's gettin' cold."
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cotillion-the-rope · 21 days ago
Text
Shade Lord Ghost Drabbles: A Personal Vendetta
Summary: Like...what if a bug wanders into Dirtmouth/Hallownest who had some connection to it (such as a family member who stayed and was lost to the infection), resulting in an axe to grind with a certain pale worm Well basically he rolls into town and drunkenly or perhaps after questioning starts just going OFF about how he's gonna do this and that to "that good for nothing God that runs this place!" So everyone is like "oh crap...." until he reveals he's talking about Pale King (who he doesn't realize is dead). Cue the inevitable awkward "Bub...you ain't been around here in a while have you?" Moment.
~
It had been Great-Grandma Lui who’d been wronged, losing the love of her life. Grandma too technically, losing her other mother, but she’d been so young she reportedly barely recalled it. So it was old news, few in the family cared much. Grandma Lui never forgot though, nor did she forget her vow of vengeance. A vow she’d never gotten to fulfill. Which was why it fell on Lui to carry not only her name but also her vow.
Finding Hallownest had been the hardest part. It had seemingly vanished off the map until recently. Something big had apparently happened. Lui didn’t care what, only that whatever it was had made finally finding the damn place much easier.
After how long he’d been searching, upon finally entering it, the above ground town was… disappointing. Everything about it and its inhabitants just seemed so normal as they went about their day, barely even sparing Lui much of a glance. This didn’t seem like the site of a conflict between powerful gods; it was far too peaceful. Did that mean that one of them, either the Pale Wyrm or the Radiance had fully won? Utterly snuffing out the other for good. … Probably, right? The big thing that had brought attention back to the town had to have been that final battle.
Which one had won though? It didn’t matter much of course. Their conflict had been what caused Great-Grandma Jani’ death and therefore both needed to die. So half of Lui’s job had already been done for him. A bit disappointing he didn’t get to take down both himself but killing one god would surely be easier than killing two anyway. Knowing which one was left would be helpful in finding them.
Slowing to a stop, he scanned the town. ‘Dirtmouth’ was what one of the earlier signs had called it. The entrance to Hallownest proper would probably be that well over there – the main entrance to many burrow kingdoms looked similar. Standing not too far from it, next to a currently empty bench, stood an elderly bug. A common beetle, hunched over slightly with age. The exact kind of person who both the Pale Wyrm and Radiance would have no use for and thus he would be one step above being a full blown outcast. Surely he’d appreciate a savior.
Lui marched right up to him. “I’m here to kill the good for nothing god that’s in charge of this place. There’s no need to thank me of course. Though if you would like, feel free to do so once the job is done. Do be aware though that it’s a personal vendetta, saving you and your pals from the tyrant is merely a secondary bonus.”
Instead of thanking Lui or cowardly trying to defend a god that didn’t care about him, the old bug just stared him for a few seconds before finally responding. “A personal vendetta?”
“Yes. My great-grandma died as result of that god’s actions. My other great-grandma vowed vengeance but due to family obligations never got her chance to enact it before old age and then death made doing so impossible. In honor of her memory, I’ve come to finally do so.”
“Well… I suppose that’s certainly possible. In their younger days, they might’ve been less discerning with their violence or perhaps, it was a tragic accident. You didn’t say ‘kill’ after all. However, I’m not sure trying to kill them to fulfill an old grudge is wise.”
Far from the first time Lui had been told that. “I assure you it is. And I intend to kill that wretched Wyrm even if it’s the last thing I do on this mortal coil.” Great-Grandma Lui had said, when asked, if either were to win it would likely be the Pale Wyrm as he’d apparently been working on something big and super secret when she’d fled. But if it was the Radiance, Lui could pretend he’d said ‘worm’ as an insult and thus his ignorance of the exact situation wouldn’t be revealed.
The old bug was silent for another beat or two. Perhaps he wasn’t very smart or was going senile, meaning talking to him might’ve been a mistake. But he did finally speak up. “Oh, I think I understand now. But well, you’re a bit late. The Wyrm’s already dead, the Radiance too. The god currently in charge of Hallownest is known as the Shade Lord.”
“What?” Lui sounded like a fool, confused and idiotic. But how could both be dead? He’d never heard of the Shade Lord before and it certainly wasn’t an alternate name that could be use to describe either god as both were associated with light.
“You’re um, a bit too late on fulfilling your grandma’s vengeance vow. To be fair, the line for those wanting vengeance against those two was probably quite long, based off what I’ve heard about how they ran Hallownest.
“So that means…” Lui trailed off because voicing that his entire life having been spent towards this plan was a waste of a life because he’d arrived ‘too late’ would’ve made it too real.
“Sorry. But, you can meet Ghost if you’d like. They’re a bit frightening at first in their new god form. Trust me, they have me quite the scare when raising out of that well. But once you get used to them, they’re friendly.”
Lui turned and walked away. He’d asked other people because surely that couldn’t be true. The old bug was senile. All the time spent on the journey here and preparing to kill a god or even gods hadn’t been for nothing. Such surely couldn’t be the case… could it?
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homosexualisopod · 6 months ago
Note
idk what else to say in here.
Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful
sort, which could only be broken by Love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a
terrible fire breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful
prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower
for her true love and true love's first kiss. Like that's ever going to happen. What a loony. Shrek
Beware Stay out I think he's in here. All right. Lets get it! Hold on. Do you know what that thing can
do to you? Yeah. He'll groan into your bones for his brains. Well actually that would be a giant. Now
Ogres, huh, they are much worse. They'll make a soup from your freshly peeled skin. They'll chew
your livers, squeeze the jelly from your eyes. Actually, it's quite good on toast. Back, back beast,
back! I warned you! Right. This is the part, where you run away. Yeah! And stay out. Wanted.
Fairytale creatures. Right, this one is full. Take it away. Give me that. Your fine days are over. -25
pieces of silver for the witch. Next. -Come on. Sit down there! And be quiet! This cage is so small.
You wouldn't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please, give me another chance.
Oh, shut up! Next. What do we got? This little wooden puppet. I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy. Five
shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. No! Please, don't let them do it! Next. What do you
got? Well, I've got a talking donkey! Right. Well that's good for ten schillings, if you can prove it. Oh,
go ahead fella. Well? He's just a li..., just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. You
boneheaded donkey! That's it. I have heard enough. Guards! No, no, he talks, he does! I can talk. I
love to talk. I've talked to... Get her out of my sight! -No, no, I swear! Hey, I can fly. -He can fly! -He
can fly! He can talk! -That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey! You might have seen house
fly, maybe even a superfly. But I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Seize him! Get him! This way!
Hurry! You there. Ogre. -I. By the order of lord Farquaad. I am authorized to place you both under
arrest. And transport you to designated resettlement facility. Oh really? You and what army? Can I
say something to you? Listen, you were really, really something, back there. Incredible. Are you
talking to... ...me? Yes, I was talking to you. Can I just tell you that you were really great back there
with those guards. They thought that was all over there. And then you showed up and BAM. There
was tripping on over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.
Oh, that's great. Really. Man, it's good to be free. Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom
with your own friends? But I... I don't have any friends. And I'm not going out there by myself. Hey
wait a minute. I have a great idea... I'll stick with you. You and me in green fighting machine.
Together we'll scare the spin if anybody crosses us. Oh, a, that was really scary. Maybe you don't
mine me saying. If that don't work, your breath will certainly do the job done, 'cause... you
definitively need some tic-tac or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man you've ??? my note!
Just like the time... ...and then I ate some rotten berries. Man I had some strong gases leaking out of
my but that day. Why are you following me? I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone, there is no one
here, beside me. My problems have all gone. There's no one to derive me. But you got to have
free ... -Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder, you don't have any friends. Wow! Only a true friend
would be that truly honest. Listen! Little donkey. Take a look at me! What am I? A... ...really tall? No!
I'm an Ogre. You know, grab your torch and pitchforks. Doesn't that bother you? Nope. Really?
-Really really. Oh? Man, I like you. What's your name? A..., Shrek. Shrek?! But do you know, what I
like about you, Shrek? You've got that kind of: "I don't care what nobody thinks of me" thing. I like
that, I respect that, Shrek. You're all right. Uh, look at that. Who would wanna live in a place like
that? That would be my home. Oh, it is lovely. Just beautiful. You know you're quite a decorator. It's
amazing what you did with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess,
you don't entertain much, do you? I like my privacy. You know I do to. That's another thing, we have
in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You try to give them a hint and they
won't leave. And then there's that big occurred silence, you know? Can I stay with you? -What? Can
I stay with you, please. Of course! -Really? No. -Please! I don't want to go back there. You don't
how is like to be concerned like a freak. Well..., maybe you do. But that's why we have to stick
together! You got to let me stay! Please! Please! OK, OK. -But one night only. -Huh, thank you! A,
what are you do... No! This is going to be fun. We can stay up late, swap the manly stories. And in
the morning... I'm making waffles. Where do I sleep? Outside! Oh, a, I guess that's cool. You know, I
don't know you and you don't know me... ... so I guess, outside is best for me. Here I go. Good
night. I do like that half door. I'm a donkey all alone outside. Sit by myself outside, I guess. I'm all
alone, there's no one here beside me. -I thought, I told you to stay outside. -I am outside. Well
James. This is far from the farm, but what choice do we have? It's not... What a lovely bed. -Got
you! I found some cheese. Awful stuff. -Is that you Gordon? -How did you know? Enough! What are
You need to be euthanized I think
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evolutionsvoid · 1 year ago
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Tumblr media
When environments go bad, people typically think that the wildlife vanishes completely. If a pond gets polluted, or a bunch of the vegetation in a forest dies, then surely nothing is going to stick around! Indeed, it is true that upsets in ecosystems can cause numerous species to vanish from them. It is certainly a sign, and a bad one at that. Like amphibians disappearing from your local lake or marsh. When the frogs stop singing, something ain't right. However, there are also instances where new life entering the picture can be an equally bad sign. "But Chlora!" some of you may say "Isn't having new species come into an ecosystem a good thing? Isn't more life better?" To that I say: have you been reading these? Because if you are thinking that adding species to a habitat is always a plus, then I am about to launch an entire tome's worth of invasive species issues right into your face. Some creatures are simply not meant to be in places, be it lack of predators, lack of usual food source or other environmental factors. Some may be invasive, while others are simply in an area where they shouldn't be! Like, if you had a pond and suddenly saltwater fish started living in it. You would be like "hey, isn't this a fresh water body?" Well apparently not anymore!  An extreme example, yes, but I am trying to convey something here. Not sure if I am doing a great job at it. Here's another example, using the star of this entry: the Doratabo!
Before we can get into it proper, we need to know what a Doratabo is. The Doratabo is a species of fish, though not exactly in the fish form you expect. They have a long body, a large head and, most noticeably, a pair of limbs. Where one would expect fins, the Doratabo has a rather simple pair of forearms. Though there are digits at the ends of these arms, don't think that this fish is scaling cliffs or picking up swords. These arms are rather thin in comparison to the rest of their body, and even their clawed fingers aren't that sharp or tough. The most these limbs do is dig through the mud or help drag themselves along the ground. This brings me to the next noticeable feature of this species, and its the fact that you often see them out of the water! While they are indeed fish, the Doratabo has a wet hide that allows it to absorb air, like an amphibian would! Even their throats have this lining that lets them swallow air and breath without using their gills! This is good for them, because it means they can spend time outside of a particular water body and not worry about suffocating. It also lets them traverse the shores or move to better pools instead of being trapped in one place! They use this air breathing so much, that they are commonly found on mudflats, river shores and places where the waters have receded. Though they don't need water to breath, they do need moisture for their skin to take in air, so they are still reliant on places that have plenty of water or dampness. Mud is their favorite, so much so that locals would say that they are born from it. Make a mud puddle on your property, and Doratabo will magically pop out of it! But more on that later!
The muddy shores and flats are where they like to hang out, and it is also where they hunt. Their big mouths are used for swallowing up insects, crabs, snails and smaller fish. They typically look for food that is struggling in the thick mud, giving them opportunity to slither towards them and gobble them up! Though they are large, there are plenty of other creatures that would happily dine on them! To avoid predation, Doratabo hide themselves in the mud, using their earthy coloration and wrinkled hide to blend in with the environment. To add to the look, they coat themselves in the wet mud. This has the double bonus of wetting their skin for breathing and building up their camouflage! Once they are covered, they look like they are one with their surroundings, vanishing into the soggy earth whenever predators come around. Even if a beast were to locate them and attack, they will find their claws and teeth slipping off the slick hide, making it difficult to grab hold of the wriggling fish! And if things get really dire, they will lash out with their clawed fingers or try to smother their attacker in the thick mud. The latter tactic has them using their bulk to knock foes over into the muck, then push them further in until they give up or suffocate. 
To the people who live in the regions the Doratabo dwells, it isn't a huge threat to them. These fish prefer to be left alone and if threatened, they usually just burrow into the mud and hide, so attacks are rare. They aren't hunted that much either, because their meat is considered quite gross. Folks claim it is very muddy tasting and gritty, practically marinated in the muck they inhabit. Some people like it, but from the sounds of it it is a very acquired taste. So interactions between people and Doratabo are rather infrequent it would seem, until you hear the stories...
Despite their rather harmless nature and love for mud, it seems this fish has made it into quite a few tales. In fact, the people of the past labeled it as a spirit of vengeance. That seems a bit extreme, right? Well, here is where it gets interesting, and where my ramblings at the beginning finally make sense. The Doratabo was considered to be an entity that haunted forgotten rice fields, where vegetation had overgrown and mud had swallowed the crop. These muddy spirits would arise and torment the living with their howls and vile presence, until the owners of the land changed their ways and tended to their wasted fields. What on odd thing! Where on earth did they get that idea? Well I'll tell you!
I made mention before that Doratabo love mud and usually show up wherever it is in excess, right? Well, when rice fields get neglected and are left to the elements, the fields tend to get overgrown and muddy. Once this starts to happen, local Doratabo take notice, and they think these places would make lovely homes! So a few move in, trampling the vegetation and churning up the earth, making the field even more foul and mucky. As they do this, more Doratabo show up to take advantage of this new place, and eventually the whole field becomes a flat of mud and drowned rice plants. So if one neglects their rice fields, then these "men of mud" show up and start making it worse. This image is made possible through the large head and clawed arms of the Doratabo rising out of the mud, giving folks the impression of a humanoid clawing out of the muck. Their large colorful lump on their faces also makes people think of an eye, turning this angry spirit into an angry cyclops! But what of the howling? Well, when Doratabo gather in large numbers, things get heated during the mating season. Males will stand proud on the mud flats, with their colorful nose ornament on full display. They suck up air and then let it all out in long howl, which kind of sounds like a deep long burp. They make these noises to attract females and let other males know who is on top. If any challengers show up, it is some good old mud wrestling until one of them slinks off in defeat! While this is all about mating to them, folks mistake these calls for groans and moans of restless spirits. 
While in the past, they once believed these fish to be upset spirits angered by the neglected rice fields, people now recognize them as both a simple species and an important environmental cue. When water levels change, and vegetation starts choking out a water body, the Doratabo will show up for the mud and their presence will speed up the process. The waterways will grow murky and stifled, and local vegetation will get trampled until the whole area is just a muddy field. Not the end of the world, but not good for species that used to live in these pristine waters! So now people know to keep an eye out for Doratabo moving into water bodies they aren't usually in, as it is a sign that something is wrong with the environment. So it turns out that they aren't restless spirits, but they do appear to be a modern day omen!
Chlora Myron
Dryad Natural Historian
------------------------------------------------------
"Doratabo"
The season calls for some spirits or yokai! Could always stand to have a couple of those! Now lets shove it into a fish!
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fyodordostoevskeys · 8 months ago
Note
Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by Love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. Like that's ever going to happen. What a loony. Shrek Beware Stay out I think he's in here. All right. Lets get it! Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? Yeah. He'll groan into your bones for his brains. Well actually that would be a giant. Now Ogres, huh, they are much worse. They'll make a soup from your freshly peeled skin. They'll chew your livers, squeeze the jelly from your eyes. Actually, it's quite good on toast. Back, back beast, back! I warned you! Right. This is the part, where you run away. Yeah! And stay out. Wanted. Fairytale creatures. Right, this one is full. Take it away. Give me that. Your fine days are over. -25 pieces of silver for the witch. Next. -Come on. Sit down there! And be quiet! This cage is so small. You wouldn't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please, give me another chance. Oh, shut up! Next. What do we got? This little wooden puppet. I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy. Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. No! Please, don't let them do it! Next. What do you got? Well, I've got a talking donkey! Right. Well that's good for ten schillings, if you can prove it. Oh, go ahead fella. Well? He's just a li..., just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. You boneheaded donkey! That's it. I have heard enough. Guards! No, no, he talks, he does! I can talk. I love to talk. I've talked to... Get her out of my sight! -No, no, I swear! Hey, I can fly. -He can fly! -He can fly! He can talk! -That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey! You might have seen house fly, maybe even a superfly. But I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Seize him! Get him! This way! Hurry! You there. Ogre. -I. By the order of lord Farquaad. I am authorized to place you both under arrest. And transport you to designated resettlement facility. Oh really? You and what army? Can I say something to you? Listen, you were really, really something, back there. Incredible. Are you talking to... ...me? Yes, I was talking to you. Can I just tell you that you were really great back there with those guards. They thought that was all over there. And then you showed up and BAM. There was tripping on over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. Oh, that's great. Really. Man, it's good to be free. Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? But I... I don't have any friends. And I'm not going out there by myself. Hey wait a minute. I have a great idea... I'll stick with you. You and me in green fighting machine. Together we'll scare the spin if anybody crosses us. Oh, a, that was really scary. Maybe you don't mine me saying. If that don't work, your breath will certainly do the job done, 'cause... you definitively need some tic-tac or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man you've ??? my note! Just like the time... ...and then I ate some rotten berries. Man I had some strong gases leaking out of my but that day. Why are you following me? I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone, there is no one here, beside me. My problems have all gone. There's no one to derive me. But you got to have free ... -Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder, you don't have any friends. Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest. Listen! Little donkey. Take a look at me! What am I? A... ...really tall? No! I'm an Ogre. You know, grab your torch and pitchforks. Doesn't that bother you? Nope. Really? -Really really. Oh? Man, I like you. What's your name? A..., Shrek. Shrek?! But do you know, what I like about you, Shrek? You've got that kind of: "I don't care what nobody thinks of me" thing.
—-🐈 (the parasites got to me)
Why did I read this..
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localskoomaaddict · 6 months ago
Text
um yea anyway
Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful
sort, which could only be broken by Love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a
terrible fire breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful
prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower
for her true love and true love's first kiss. Like that's ever going to happen. What a loony. Shrek
Beware Stay out I think he's in here. All right. Lets get it! Hold on. Do you know what that thing can
do to you? Yeah. He'll groan into your bones for his brains. Well actually that would be a giant. Now
Ogres, huh, they are much worse. They'll make a soup from your freshly peeled skin. They'll chew
your livers, squeeze the jelly from your eyes. Actually, it's quite good on toast. Back, back beast,
back! I warned you! Right. This is the part, where you run away. Yeah! And stay out. Wanted.
Fairytale creatures. Right, this one is full. Take it away. Give me that. Your fine days are over. -25
pieces of silver for the witch. Next. -Come on. Sit down there! And be quiet! This cage is so small.
You wouldn't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please, give me another chance.
Oh, shut up! Next. What do we got? This little wooden puppet. I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy. Five
shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. No! Please, don't let them do it! Next. What do you
got? Well, I've got a talking donkey! Right. Well that's good for ten schillings, if you can prove it. Oh,
go ahead fella. Well? He's just a li..., just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. You
boneheaded donkey! That's it. I have heard enough. Guards! No, no, he talks, he does! I can talk. I
love to talk. I've talked to... Get her out of my sight! -No, no, I swear! Hey, I can fly. -He can fly! -He
can fly! He can talk! -That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey! You might have seen house
fly, maybe even a superfly. But I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Seize him! Get him! This way!
Hurry! You there. Ogre. -I. By the order of lord Farquaad. I am authorized to place you both under
arrest. And transport you to designated resettlement facility. Oh really? You and what army? Can I
say something to you? Listen, you were really, really something, back there. Incredible. Are you
talking to... ...me? Yes, I was talking to you. Can I just tell you that you were really great back there
with those guards. They thought that was all over there. And then you showed up and BAM. There
was tripping on over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.
Oh, that's great. Really. Man, it's good to be free. Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom
with your own friends? But I... I don't have any friends. And I'm not going out there by myself. Hey
wait a minute. I have a great idea... I'll stick with you. You and me in green fighting machine.
Together we'll scare the spin if anybody crosses us. Oh, a, that was really scary. Maybe you don't
mine me saying. If that don't work, your breath will certainly do the job done, 'cause... you
definitively need some tic-tac or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man you've ??? my note!
Just like the time... ...and then I ate some rotten berries. Man I had some strong gases leaking out of
my but that day. Why are you following me? I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone, there is no one
here, beside me. My problems have all gone. There's no one to derive me. But you got to have
free ... -Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder, you don't have any friends. Wow! Only a true friend
would be that truly honest. Listen! Little donkey. Take a look at me! What am I? A... ...really tall? No!
I'm an Ogre. You know, grab your torch and pitchforks. Doesn't that bother you? Nope. Really?
-Really really. Oh? Man, I like you. What's your name? A..., Shrek. Shrek?! But do you know, what I
like about you, Shrek? You've got that kind of: "I don't care what nobody thinks of me" thing. I like
that, I respect that, Shrek. You're all right. Uh, look at that. Who would wanna live in a place like
that? That would be my home. Oh, it is lovely. Just beautiful. You know you're quite a decorator. It's
amazing what you did with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess,
you don't entertain much, do you? I like my privacy. You know I do to. That's another thing, we have
in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You try to give them a hint and they
won't leave. And then there's that big occurred silence, you know? Can I stay with you? -What? Can
I stay with you, please. Of course! -Really? No. -Please! I don't want to go back there. You don't
how is like to be concerned like a freak. Well..., maybe you do. But that's why we have to stick
together! You got to let me stay! Please! Please! OK, OK. -But one night only. -Huh, thank you! A,
what are you do... No! This is going to be fun. We can stay up late, swap the manly stories. And in
the morning... I'm making waffles. Where do I sleep? Outside! Oh, a, I guess that's cool. You know, I
don't know you and you don't know me... ... so I guess, outside is best for me. Here I go. Good
night. I do like that half door. I'm a donkey all alone outside. Sit by myself outside, I guess. I'm all
alone, there's no one here beside me. -I thought, I told you to stay outside. -I am outside. Well
James. This is far from the farm, but what choice do we have? It's not... What a lovely bed. -Got
you! I found some cheese. Awful stuff. -Is that you Gordon? -How did you know? Enough! What are
you doing in my house? Oh, no, no, no... Death prods off the table! Where would we supposed to
put her. The bed's taken. What? I live in a swamp. I've put up signs. I'm a terrifying Ogre! What do I
have to do, to get a little privacy? Oh, no! No, no! What are you doing in my swamp? All right, get
out of here. All of you. Move it! Come on, let's go. And hurry up, hurry up. No, no, not there. Not
there! Hey don't look at me. I didn't invite them. Oh gosh, no one invited us. -What? We were forced
to come here. -By who? Lord Farquaad. He ??? All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?
Oh I do. I know where he is. Does anyone else know where to find him? -Anyone at all? -Me.
-Anyone? Oh pick me, I know! Me, me. Ok, fine. Attention all fairy tale things! Do not get
comfortable. Your welcome is officially warned up. In fact. I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right
now and get all off my land and back where you came from. You. You're coming with me. All right.
That's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stubborn friends off on a world and big city
adventure. I love it. I'm on road again. Sing with me Shrek! I'm on road again... What did I say about
singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Well, can I hummer? -All right. That's enough. He's ready to talk.
Run, run, run as fast as you can, you can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man. You monster. I'm not
a monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairytale trash, poisoning my perfect world. -Now
tell me! Where are the others? -Eat me. I've tried to be fair to you, creatures. Now my patience has
reached its end! -Tell me! Or I'll... -No, no, not the buttons. Not gumdrop buttons. All right! Who's
hiding them? Ok, I'll tell you. -Do you know the muffin-man? -The muffin-man? -The muffin-man.
-Yes, I know the muffin-man. Who lives on Proully lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin-man.
-The muffin-man! -The muffin-man! -She's married to the muffin-man. My lord! We found it. Well
then, what are you waiting for? Bring it in. Magic mirror. Don't tell him anything! Evening. Mirror,
mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? Well, technically, you're not a
king. A..., felonious. -You were saying. -What I mean is a... ...you're not a king, yet. But you can
become one. All you have to do, is marry a princess. Go on. So, just sit back and relax my lord,
because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are. Bachelorette
number one is a mentally abused shading from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and
hottubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for two evil sisters. Please
welcome... Cinderella. Bachelorette number two is a kemp wearing girl from a land of fantasy.
Although she lives with seven other man, she is not easy. Just kiss hers dead frozen lips and find
out what a live wife she is. Come on. Give it up for... Show-white. And last but certainly not least.
Bachelorette number three is a fire-breathing ????, dragon guarded castle, surrounded by a hot
boiling lava. But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes Pina Coladas and getting
cut in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona. So will it be, bachelorette number one?
Bachelorette number two? Or bachelorette number three? -Two... -Three! -Two! One. No, no, no.
Three. Pick number three my lord. Ok, ok. Number three. Lord Farquaad. You've chosen... princess
Fiona. She's nice. Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone... But I probably should
mention little thing that happens at night... -I'll do it! -Yes, but after sunset... Silence! I will make this
princess Fiona my queen. And Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain! Assemble your finest
man. We're going to have a tournament! That's it, that's, right there, that's Duloc. I've told you I'll
find it. So. That must be lord Farquaad's castle. Aha, that's the place. Do you think maybe he's
compensating for something. Hey, hey wait up Shrek! -Hey, you! -No, no! Wait a second. Look, I'm
not gonna eat you. I just... It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? Hey look at this. Wow! -Let's
do that again. -No. no. All right. You're going the right way for smack bottom. Sorry about that. That
champion should have the honor, no, no... ...the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely princess
Fiona from the fireing keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first
runner up will take his place. And so on, and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I'm
willing to make. Applause. Let the tournament begin. What is that? Ugh, it's hideous. Oh, that's not
very nice. It's just a donkey. Indeed. Knights! New plan. The one, who kills the Ogre, will be named
champion. How about him. Oh, hey. Now, come on. Can't we just settle this over a pint? No? All
right then. Come on. Hey Shrek! Let me, let me! The chair! Give him the chair! Thank you. Thank
you, very much. I'm here until Thursday. Try the wheel! Shall I give the order sir? No. I have a better
idea. People of Duloc. I give you our champion! What? Congratulation, Ogre. You've won the honor
of embarking on a great and noble quest. Quest? I'm already on a quest. A quest to get my swamp
back! -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairytale creatures. Indeed. All
right Ogre, I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me and I'll give you your swamp back. Exactly
the way it was? Down to the last slime covered toast tool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone.
What kind of quest? Ok, let me get this straight! We gonna go find the dragon and rescue a princess
just so Farquaad will give you back the swamp, which you only don't have, 'cause he filled it with
full of freaks on the first place. -Is that about right? -You know what? Maybe there is a good reason,
donkeys shouldn't talk. I don't get it Shrek. Why didn't you just pull some old Ogre stuff on them?
You know, ??? . Grab his bones to make you brave. You know the whole Ogre trick. Oh, you know
what. Maybe I could have decapitated entire village and put their heads on plate. Got a knife, cut
open their spleens and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? A, no, not really, no. For
your information, there is a lot more to Ogres than people think. -Example. -Example? OK, A-a-m,
Ogres are like onions. -They stink? -Yes, no. -O, they make you cry. -No. Oh, you leave them out on
the sun and they get all brown and start ??? little wild hairs? No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres
have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. O, you both have layers. You
know not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes. Cakes have layers. I don't care
what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. You know what else everyone likes? Paffe. Have you
ever met a person and you say: "Hey, let's get some paffe" and they say I don't like paffe. Paffe is
delicious. No! You tensed, irritating, miniature peace of barden. Ogres are like onions. End of story.
Bye, bye. See you lather. Paffe is maybe the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. You
know I think I've preferred your humming. Do you have a tissue or something, 'cause I'm making a
mess. Just the word paffe has made me start slimying Why, Shrek, did you do that? Man you got to
warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was opened and everything. Believe me
donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. It's brimstone. We must be getting close. Yeah, right,
brimstone. Don't be talking ??? brimstone. I know what I smell and ??? no brimstone. And they
don't come of stone neither. Sure it's big enough, but look at the location. Oh, Shrek, remember
when you said that Ogres have layers? Oh, yeah. Well, I have a confession to make. Donkeys don't
have layers. We wear ??? sleeves. Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I
mean. -Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of highs. No, I'm just a little uncomfortable of being on a
rickety bridge over boiling lake of lava! Come on donkey, I'm right here beside you. Ok? For
emotional support. We'll just hackle this thing together one little baby step after time. -Really?
-Really really. Ok. That makes me feel so much better. Just keep moving and don't look down.
Don't look down, don't look down. Shrek! I'm looking down! I can't do this. Just let me off right now,
please. -But you're already half way. -Yeah, but I know that half is safe. Ok, fine. I don't have time
for this. You go back. Shrek, no, wait. Don't do that! Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh. This? -Yes, that!
Yes, yes. Do it. OK. -No, Shrek! -I'm doing it. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die.
That will do Donkey, that will do. Cool. So where is this fire breathing pain in the neck anyway?
Inside. Waiting for us to rescue her. I was talking about the dragon Shrek. -Are you afraid? -No, but
shhhhh. Oh, good. Me neither. Because there's nothing wrong with being afraid. Here's a...,
something responsible of the situation. Not to mention dangerous situation. And there's dragon that
breathes fire. I'm sure he's meaner than a cow or anything, but they're scare. You know what I
mean. I'm sure he's heavier than a cow... Donkey. Two things. Ok? Shut, up. Now go over there and
see if you can find any stairs. Stairs? I thought we were looking for the princess. The princess will be
up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. What makes you think she'll be there? I read it
in a book once. Cool. You handle the dragon, I'll handle the stairs. Oh, I'll find those stairs. I'll ???.
That's right. Those stairs won't know which way they go. The drafting stairs, ??? Don't mess with
me. I'm the stair master. I'm master of the stairs. I wish I had a stair right here right here now, I'd
step all over it. Well, at least we know where the princess is. -But where is the... -Dragon! Donkey,
look out! Got you. Oh, what large teeth you have. I mean, white sparkling teeth. You probably hear
this all the time from your food, but you must bleach yourself, because that is one dashing smile you
got there. And do I detect the hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're a girl
dragon. Oh, sure. I mean 'course you're a girl dragon, 'cause you're just ricking the feminine beauty
out. What's the matter with you? Do you have something in your eye? Man, I'd really love to stay,
but you know I'm a asthmatic and I don't know if we would worked out. You'd be blowing smoke
and stuff. Shrek! No, Shrek! Shrek! -Wake up! -What? Are you princess Fiona? I am. Awaiting a
knight so bold as to rescue me. Oh, that's nice. Now let's go. But wait, sir knight. This be our first
meeting. Should not be wonderful, romantic moment? Yeah. Sorry lady there's no time. Hey, what
are you doing? You know, you should sweep me out of my feet. Out through the window and down
the rope by to your valued steed. You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? Uh-um. But we
have to sing through this moment. You can residing of a poem to me. A ballad, a sonnet, a libretti.
Or something. I don't think so. Well, can I at least know a name of my champion? Shrek. So, Shrek.
I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. Thanks. -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's
not my job to do this. Now, come on! But this isn't right. ??? That's what all the other knights did.
Yeah. Right before they burst in the flame. That's not the point. Wait. Where are you going? Exit is
over there. Well, I have to save my ass. What kind of knight are you? One of a kind. ...rush into a
physical relationship. I'm not that emotionally ready for commitment of a this magnitude. That was
the word I was looking for. Magnitude. Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you
doing? Ok, ok, let's just back up a little and take this one step at the time. I mean, we really should
get to know each other first, you know what am I saying. As friends, maybe even as ??? Hey don't
do that. That's my tail. That's ma personal tail. And you're going to tear it off.... Oh, no. No! -It
talks?! -Yeah. It's getting to shut up, that's a trick. Ok, you two. Head for the exit. I'll take care of the
dragon. Ruuuuun! You did it. You rescued me. Amizing, you're wonderful. You're a ... ...a little
unorthodox I admit, but by deed is great and by heart is pure. I'm entirely in your debt. And where
would a brave knight be without his noble steed. I hope you heard that. She called me a noble
steed. She thinks I'm a steed. The battle is won. You may remove your helmet good sir knight. -Aah,
no. -Why not? I have helmet hair. Please. I wouldst look upon the face of my rescuer. Oh, no, you
wouldn't, dust. But, how will you kiss me? What? That wasn't in a job description. -Maybe it's a
perk? -No. It's destiny. You must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and besieged by a
dragon is rescued by a brave knight. And then they share true love's first kiss. With Shrek? You
think, wait... ...you think Shrek is your true love? Well, yes. You think that Shrek is your true love.
What is so funny? Let's just say, I'm not your type, ok? Of course you are. You're my rescuer. Now,
now remove your helmet. Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -I'm
not going to. -Take it off! -No! -Now! -Ok, easy. As you command your highness. You're an Ogre.
Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. Well, yes, actually. Oh no. This is all wrong. You're not
supposed to be an Ogre. Princess, I was sent to rescue you by lord Farquaad, ok? He's the one,
who wants to marry you. Well, then why didn't he come to rescue me? Good question. You should
ask him that, when we get there. But I have to be rescued by my true love. Not by some Ogre and
his pet. Well so much for noble steed. Look princess. You're not making my job any easier. Well I'm
sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me
properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. Hey, I'm no ones messenger boy, all right? -I'm a delivery
boy. -You wouldn't dare. -You coming donkey? -Put me down! Yeah, I'm right behind you. Put me
down or you will suffer the consequences. This is not dignified. Put me down. Ok, here's another
question. Let's say that a woman 'digged' you, but you don't really like her, that way. Now, how you
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eating-the-inedible · 1 year ago
Text
Here's something someone put in the "anything else" box
Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by Love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. Like that's ever going to happen. What a loony. Shrek Beware Stay out I think he's in here. All right. Lets get it! Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? Yeah. He'll groan into your bones for his brains. Well actually that would be a giant. Now Ogres, huh, they are much worse. They'll make a soup from your freshly peeled skin. They'll chew your livers, squeeze the jelly from your eyes. Actually, it's quite good on toast. Back, back beast, back! I warned you! Right. This is the part, where you run away. Yeah! And stay out. Wanted. Fairytale creatures. Right, this one is full. Take it away. Give me that. Your fine days are over. -25 pieces of silver for the witch. Next. -Come on. Sit down there! And be quiet! This cage is so small. You wouldn't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please, give me another chance. Oh, shut up! Next. What do we got? This little wooden puppet. I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy. Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. No! Please, don't let them do it! Next. What do you got? Well, I've got a talking donkey! Right. Well that's good for ten schillings, if you can prove it. Oh, go ahead fella. Well? He's just a li..., just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. You boneheaded donkey! That's it. I have heard enough. Guards! No, no, he talks, he does! I can talk. I love to talk. I've talked to... Get her out of my sight! -No, no, I swear! Hey, I can fly. -He can fly! -He can fly! He can talk! -That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey! You might have seen house fly, maybe even a superfly. But I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Seize him! Get him! This way! Hurry! You there. Ogre. -I. By the order of lord Farquaad. I am authorized to place you both under arrest. And transport you to designated resettlement facility. Oh really? You and what army? Can I say something to you? Listen, you were really, really something, back there. Incredible. Are you talking to... ...me? Yes, I was talking to you. Can I just tell you that you were really great back there with those guards. They thought that was all over there. And then you showed up and BAM. There was tripping on over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. Oh, that's great. Really. Man, it's good to be free. Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? But I... I don't have any friends. And I'm not going out there by myself. Hey wait a minute. I have a great idea... I'll stick with you. You and me in green fighting machine. Together we'll scare the spin if anybody crosses us. Oh, a, that was really scary. Maybe you don't mine me saying. If that don't work, your breath will certainly do the job done, 'cause... you definitively need some tic-tac or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man you've ??? my note! Just like the time... ...and then I ate some rotten berries. Man I had some strong gases leaking out of my but that day. Why are you following me? I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone, there is no one here, beside me. My problems have all gone. There's no one to derive me. But you got to have free ... -Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder, you don't have any friends. Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest. Listen! Little donkey. Take a look at me! What am I? A... ...really tall? No! I'm an Ogre. You know, grab your torch and pitchforks. Doesn't that bother you? Nope. Really? -Really really. Oh? Man, I like you. What's your name? A..., Shrek. Shrek?! But do you know, what I like about you, Shrek?
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pjunicornart · 1 year ago
Text
I got bored so I filled out a HuniePop 2 data sheet for my favorite MtR poly ship.
Yes. There are more. But for now, Neil. Below the image, I wrote out what I thought the dialogue would be after you ask him. (Including the baggage + its effects!)
Tumblr media
Drink: "Just plain old water is fine for me. Other stuff doesn't really sit right in my stomach." Ice Cream Flavor: "Aw man, you're gonna make me choose? I love ice cream! I guess if I had to pick one I liked the most... Chocolate!" Music Genre: "Pretty much anything with loud guitars and drums. So, I'll just say rock." Movie Genre: "Call me a nerd all you want, but I love learning new things about random subjects from documentaries." Online Activity: "Eh... I don't really do much online. If I am online, I'm usually watching videos before I go to bed." Phone App: "The music player is enough for me. It plays my music to help keep me focused on my work, so it gets the job done." Type of Exercise: "I started going on night jogs a couple of months ago. It's really refreshing running through the cold night air." Outdoor Activity: "I sit on my butt and lounge in garden. I was never an outdoors-y type person..." Theme Park Ride: "I'm too much of a wuss to go on most of the rides... If my family is at a theme park, you'll find me in the lazy river." Friday Night: "I'm usually so pooped out by the end of my work week that I just flop right into bed and proceed to sleep for ten hours..." Sunday Morning: "Weekend mornings are when I get cozy and catch up on my shows." Weather: "I like the rain. It's very calming." Holiday: "Oh, um... I don't really like the holidays. Too many negative memories associated with them..." Pet: "Dogs! We have one right now! He's the only dog in the park without contacts, ha ha!" School Subject: "How the hell are you even asking me that?! Science! Duh!" Place to Shop: "When I was younger, I'd spend my free time in the school library to escape my bullies. I could spend hours in a cozy bookstore now." Trait in Partner: "I'm really happy I found someone who loves me, and accepts me for who I am. Flaws and all..." Own Body Part: "Who thinks about that kinda stuff? Besides... there's nothing special about my body anyway." Sex Position: "...um... Don't judge, but I like doggy style. But, uh... I like to, y'know... be on the bottom..." Porn Category: "Oh. Wow, okay. That is certainly a question... Well, I've never seen anything crazy... so normal? Wait, isn't that just called vanilla? Vanilla. Final answer."
Baggage Neil: "Hey... just wondering. Do you plan on sticking around?" YN: "Maybe. Why do you ask?" Neil: "I don't know... I guess I'm just making sure I don't get hurt. You know, I wasn't adopted until I was twelve. Even after all these years, I still feel like one day, they're gonna leave me. I know that couldn't be farther from the truth, believe me! But sometimes, when I'm away on business trips, I feel... alone. I don't wanna be abandoned again..." Abandonment Issues - Cornelius will drain 5% of the Total Affection goal every time you switch your focus away from him.
Neil: "Sorry if this is a little personal... but how many people have you, uh... well, y'know... How many people did you do it with?" YN: "I don't really keep track of that sort of thing... but believe me, I've been around." Neil: "Wow... I don't think I could EVER do that! Ha ha! Maybe I'm just a sap, but it takes me a while to let somebody see that side of me. Hey! No problem if that's what you wanna do! I just like to take things a little slower." Old Fashioned - For the first 15 moves of the date, Sexuality Token matches directed at Cornelius will cause him to become upset.
Neil: "I just got wind that one of the inventions we've been working on in the lab failed on them... AGAIN. Ugh, that thing has given us nothing but trouble, I swear..." YN: "Why don't you try working on something else?" Neil: "Uh uh! Don't start with me with that talk! I ain't gonna hear it. I didn't get to where I am now by giving up! I WILL make this invention work. I just have to find another solution." Stubborn - Cornelius will refuse to accept any date gifts until he has at least 40% Passion.
HUNIEPOP AND MEET THE ROBINSONS ARE MY COMFORT THINGS, OKAY?! DON'T JUDGE ME.
Franny... Michael... Lizzy...
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fangfuckingtastic · 11 months ago
Note
Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by Love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. Like that's ever going to happen. What a loony. Shrek Beware Stay out I think he's in here. All right. Lets get it! Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? Yeah. He'll groan into your bones for his brains. Well actually that would be a giant. Now Ogres, huh, they are much worse. They'll make a soup from your freshly peeled skin. They'll chew your livers, squeeze the jelly from your eyes. Actually, it's quite good on toast. Back, back beast, back! I warned you! Right. This is the part, where you run away. Yeah! And stay out. Wanted. Fairytale creatures. Right, this one is full. Take it away. Give me that. Your fine days are over. -25 pieces of silver for the witch. Next. -Come on. Sit down there! And be quiet! This cage is so small. You wouldn't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please, give me another chance. Oh, shut up! Next. What do we got? This little wooden puppet. I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy. Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. No! Please, don't let them do it! Next. What do you got? Well, I've got a talking donkey! Right. Well that's good for ten schillings, if you can prove it. Oh, go ahead fella. Well? He's just a li..., just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. You boneheaded donkey! That's it. I have heard enough. Guards! No, no, he talks, he does! I can talk. I love to talk. I've talked to... Get her out of my sight! -No, no, I swear! Hey, I can fly. -He can fly! -He can fly! He can talk! -That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey! You might have seen house fly, maybe even a superfly. But I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Seize him! Get him! This way! Hurry! You there. Ogre. -I. By the order of lord Farquaad. I am authorized to place you both under arrest. And transport you to designated resettlement facility. Oh really? You and what army? Can I say something to you? Listen, you were really, really something, back there. Incredible. Are you talking to... ...me? Yes, I was talking to you. Can I just tell you that you were really great back there with those guards. They thought that was all over there. And then you showed up and BAM. There was tripping on over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. Oh, that's great. Really. Man, it's good to be free. Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? But I... I don't have any friends. And I'm not going out there by myself. Hey wait a minute. I have a great idea... I'll stick with you. You and me in green fighting machine. Together we'll scare the spin if anybody crosses us. Oh, a, that was really scary. Maybe you don't mine me saying. If that don't work, your breath will certainly do the job done, 'cause... you definitively need some tic-tac or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man you've ??? my note! Just like the time... ...and then I ate some rotten berries. Man I had some strong gases leaking out of my but that day. Why are you following me? I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone, there is no one here, beside me. My problems have all gone. There's no one to derive me. But you got to have free ... -Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder, you don't have any friends. Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest. Listen! Little donkey. Take a look at me! What am I? A... ...really tall? No! I'm an Ogre. You know, grab your torch and pitchforks. Doesn't that bother you? Nope. Really? -Really really. Oh? Man, I like you. What's your name? A..., Shrek. Shrek?! But do you know, what I like about you, Shrek? You've got that kind of: "I don't care what nobody thinks of me" thing. I like that
i'm too high for this rn
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ofpineapplesanddawns · 2 years ago
Note
Maybe 23 with Aro and Peter, please?
Prompt 23: "you saved my life." "not a big d-" "no.you saved it."
I'm gonna go with my hunter au for this, the one where Peter is actually really good at being a hunter and Aro hires him for it.
Warning: injuries, venom-blood, blood, me taking that huge ass fight from the last movie and making it a reality cause fuck that 'it was a vision' thing, I want to see carnage!
On with the fic!
--
This was not one of Aro's better ideas, he could admit to that. Well, only to himself, he'd rather die than speak it aloud, and considering the situation he was in, there was a chance that the former would happen rather than the latter.
He was caught in the grip of those two vampires that just had to ruin everything. Really, he should have killed Bella when he had the chance, his fascination with her lack of response to any vampire gift had died the moment he met Peter, there was no real reason for her to even still be around. Damnit, he was really going to die with more regrets now, wasn't he?
He could feel nails in his skin, the burn of venom leaking from the small wounds as one of them tried to remove his head-
"Get off of him!"
Wait, was that-?!
Edward was suddenly shoved away, and that knocked Bella off. Aro dropped to his back, looking up, seeing his hunter standing there, looking a bit roughed up, blood leaking from a few scratches and scraps. Was he even developing a black eye? He was panting, in his hands a stake and a knife, both dripping with venom.
The shocking thing about Peter, more than him being here after his very loud and angry protests of this meeting being dangerous to everyone, was just how furious he looked. Aro had never seen him so angry before.
"If you know what's good for you," Peter snarled, "for your fuckin' families...! You will back the fuck off of him!"
"Did you not see what he-?" Bella started but Peter only flung the knife, just missing her foot but an inch, it went into the ground deep, Aro wondered how painful that would have been if it had hit her. She was still a new vampire, easier to kill, even if she was stronger at this stage.
"Oh yeah, I saw what the idiot had done, but let's be honest, both sides of this stupid fight were just itchin' to start decapitating each other. And if it wasn't him, it certainly was gonna be one of you doin' it!"
The young couple looked offended, conflicted, and just a bit guilty. There is blood on their hands just as there is on Aro's own from this fight. Hell, the smell of death was all around them, bodies slaughtered and burning, cries of pain and anguish everywhere, no one was winning today.
"Great way to introduce your kid to this world, guys, brilliant job." Peter scoffed.
"What does a human like you even know?" Edward asked, glowering.
"I know enough. And this 'human' isn't exactly easy to take down, your wife ain't the only one who can't be affected by powers here, she's not special." The hunter sniffed, pocketing his stake. "Let's go, Aro, before shit gets worse."
Aro frowned, looking at Peter as he rubbed at his neck, the tears were healed, though there might be scars. "You saved my life."
"Not a big d-"
"No. You saved it." Aro said, getting to his feet. "I... right, let's get going, before we lose more people."
Peter stared at him for a moment, was he aware? Had he seen any terror on Aro's face, at the very thought that he life was nearly snuffed out like a candle's flame if he hadn't arrived in that moment?
Aro would have to speak with him about it later, right now, they needed to go, before the young couple decided to continue what they started.
--
In case you're wondering, Peter was putting on a front, he was fucking downright terrified of being the only human in the middle of that huge battle and only just getting to Aro at the last second. It wasn't exactly easy avoiding all the fighting, he'll have a nice shower and a panic attack later when everything calms down.
Not sure if this event is gonna be canon to the au, but it might.
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xamassed · 2 years ago
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⟬ @kismetkiss ⟭
Satan was honestly pretty excited after a new book he recently bought. It took time to save up from part time jobs, but eventually he was finally able to afford it despite the high price. A book from one of his favorite detective series. It was honestly all he could talk about for months now, so much so he was sure everyone was tired of hearing about it.
However, when he arrived back in his room... The book was nowhere to be seen. His room was messy, yes but he remembered leaving it specifically on his bed for when he returned.
How could it vanish....? He looked around for about half an hour before eventually coming to the conclusion that maybe it was stolen.
That book costed him a fortune so there was only one scumbag he knew who'd do something like this.
Little did Mammon know that Satan was someone who went to great lengths to get revenge on someone.
So the next time he spotted Mammon, he'd clear his throat to get his older brother's attention.
Then holding up a familiar good credit card, and a pair of scissors. All while he smiled.
"It'll start with the card, and then your car and all your other most prized possessions. You should know what I want, Mammon. Give it back." Next time he'll certainly work on putting a curse for annoying brothers to not be able to enter his room without asking first.
"Though, if you end up saying you already sold it then you know what'll happen, right?"
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He was frantic, panicked, absolutely desperate. Like his younger brother, he was on a mad search for something he had lost, namely his beloved credit card. Although, he would swear to the deepest layer of the Devildom that she had been sleeping pretty in his wallet that afternoon.
"Where'd ya go, sweetheart?! Is this 'cause I said I'd use ya t'day, and I didn't? I swear, I was gonna! Ya can't stay mad at me forever!" He whined and griped, tossing every room in the House of Lamentation until — there she was, in his brother's hand.
His precious! His most valuable treasure!
And a pair of scissors, sharp edges poised precariously beside the slip of embossed plastic. Whatever excitement Mammon had felt upon seeing her dropped dramatically, glee turning to dread so fast it nearly punched a hole in his gut.
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"Hey, Satan! How the hell did ya get your grubby little hands on Goldie? Give 'er back!" He growled his demand, but the ferocity behind it gradually waned as Satan spoke over him.
His card, his car and other prized possessions. That meant the rings he always wore, the wardrobe he spent years curating, the consoles he had pinched and his familiars.
He wouldn't dare. Surely, he would understand that his crows meant as much to him as cats did for the Avatar of Wrath. No one with a single functioning braincell would dare to hurt his murder.
"I don't know what you're talkin' about! Sold what?! I ain't touched anythin' of anyone's today, but it ain't like you'll believe me! No one ever freakin' does. How 'bout instead's blamin' me right away, ya go an accuse someone else?"
Then he remembered that Goldie was his hostage, and that he needed to cooperate in order to ensure that she made it out of this situation whole. Hands up, empty and meant to prove he was vulnerable. He wasn't, but he had to do what he could to convince his extremely peeved brother that he wasn't to blame.
"Look, okay. You're mad, and I get it. It sounds t'me like someone snagged somethin' of yours, and ya want it back. Cool. Totally cool. How about I help ya out? I find out who took it, and ya give me Goldie back?"
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the-firebird69 · 1 month ago
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So Trump used some stupid stuff in order to shoot his own son and appears that he's doing that and that he is fiercely mentally ill and her son is saying he didn't get to work for one reason or the other and the girl just said it's not working you can't identify why and it's probably Trump masking other people doing stuff but not letting it work because he's some sort of wind and he's Mrs latest so there is a line that's Orange it goes up the front of the concrete Pole and it's not supposed to by the way and you're not supposed to attach things to the power line equipment in the do get upset about it the other stuff is very close to the power line and it's attached the same box and it leads to the fact that the line itself might be fouled somehow and it happens it gets hit by lightning and it kind of ruins the cable it's copper and they have to replace a lot of them in the did it wrong went outside it says the connection works it's not the greatest but it does work and it should work enough about 80% usually at 50% it still works so the computer is the issue and the two don't know how to fix it they've run a few things and they're going to try and get help to fix it and our son says he can't get online and the dumb thing wants him to call for a new password which they supposedly put in and it's really frustrating A lot of people that it doesn't work and his own father is doing the stupid s*** so people are getting mad at them and really to no end it is every day and constant that they do this usually on purpose and in this case Trump is doing it on purpose and he's an a****** and it usually takes our son two or three months to get the stupid Wi-Fi working because these pricks in his way and in his face every damn day it's these lunatics messing around with him and we're getting sick of it and he's sick of it we don't want to listen to it anymore and we certainly don't want to put up with it anymore but it seems that that's the way it's going so we're sitting here watching this unfold and it's a daily occurrence and we are actually very sick of it and yeah it's been 11 minutes on the second try and it probably won't hook it probably won't work but we do understand that they also mess with that kind of thing and give people impatience for waiting for it to hook up sometimes it takes up to 20 minutes no it's usually about 5 minutes and it should be done sometimes they do that so what it looks like is somebody here put that line in and they did it to say that someone before them did it and it's Mickey mouse it doesn't look like it's Mickey mouse yet but it does look like some sort of weird disaster where he apparently appears to be tying in illegally to Florida power and light electricity and Stan said we don't want that stuff here you're going to cause a fire and he said it's not my fault I have to do it and stuff like that you won't let me use the address said the plugs right over there and yes I don't feel like stealing no he feels like stealing power and he doesn't feel like paying for it and people are going to come down on him he's advertising that everybody's doing it so this is what the guy gets as payment for messing around with our son and we are concluding here that it is not going to turn on using the Old wire and the guy apparently the guy did a decent job but his Garth says should have run a new line like he did because otherwise it won't work and it's not working right so he's going to put it back over and probably try again and it probably won't work he says and it probably won't and we're back to square one with a stupid cable which takes months to get going anywhere it goes these assholes are on it
Thor Freya
I don't care what your excuses you're messing with me so I'm messing with you and you ain't going to make it both of you are going to die and you know you're going to die
Zues Hera
Olympus
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